the problem with cancer

it's been a bit over a month that we found out.

Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM

The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.

They found out a couple months earlier.  On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday.  It was confirmed that she would begin treatment.  I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions.  The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other.  I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling.  I'm not well.

It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.

that's the problem

Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know.  Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news.  I have nightmares.  I feel this urge to tell everyone.  I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore.  I'm angry.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life.  Even the sound of laughter bothers me.  All problems pale in comparison.  I don't want to care about anyone but her.  She made me, she's fire.

Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why.  It was all so mysterious.  We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.

5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me.  I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background.  I began to cry as I anticipated the worse.  And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?

8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays.  I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no.  She never says no.  It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.

9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do.  I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything.  She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.

I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do.  'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her.  That's the thing, she's always been there for me.  For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed.  She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart.  She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things.  I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism.  And yet, as a child I never appreciated her.  I took her for granted so many times.  I hated that she felt so overbearing.  That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right.  As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.

She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.

8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"

my heart dropped

through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry.  That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid.  That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry.  As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied.  I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried.  that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad.  That I knew she would be okay.  The last part I meant and still mean.

I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am.  I'm so afraid.  I'm more than sad, I'm broken.  Cancer breaks shit up.

that's my background noise.

AND YET cancer also unites.  it's a wake up call as my mom says.  it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships

there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast

we are all afraid

but,

       all we can do is

                                  Let it Be

and put it on faith,

put it on faith

god willing this nightmare will soon be over

Miguel Maldonado Vallejo

This year has been filled with so many highs and lows, one of the lowest was flying to Mexico to see my grandfather die.  I never did see him pass, I was there and while family gathered around him, and filled the room with love for him, he fed off our energy and in many ways, came back to life

it was

indescribable.

and yet i want to try to recall it because i know this moment changed me.  i never witnessed such strength, such love for family, as when i stood nearby watching his beautiful eyes hold me

the days, so many of them, have passed
and in moments I have forgotten about him,
and then I have days like these,
days in which I feel weak and scared or hurt and his image comes to my mind
he holds me once again,
and i feel loved
I feel lucky
I feel blessed that I had a chance to tell him, that I love him, and that I treasure him.
We spent the time that we had, loving him, listening, laughing at his jokes, trying to give to him what we couldn't give so many days that we did have
so many missed opportunities
that's what life is
we embrace one thing and lose another
I had to travel back "home," before he finally said his goodbyes
I had a job
a family of my own
a son
a life away from Mexico
away from the place that I most love, perhaps because it exist so far away from me now
because I can't live in it anymore
or so I tell myself

anyway these are just words
but i want to record it in my memory that i miss this old man
my grandpa
my papa miguel
my vallejo
the reason i proudly call myself maldonado

te extrano, hoy, y siempre

muchas veces no te entendi,
pero ahora eso es lo de menos

we learn that when it is too late

soooooooooooooo much has happened part 2

Tucson here we come!

so part of the reason(s) i've been so out of it..is because one i'm pregnant..and 2, as of sept 21st we had to begin a desperate search for a house in Tucson, asap, help get our house in bisbee rented, and after that spend pretty much everyday packing and getting ready for our big move!

but we did it! we left the beautiful and gorgeous city of Bisbee on october 16th, 2010!

the pregnancy fatigue had began to kick in and my usual energetic 'can handle it all' self was pretty much a gonner...but to the rescue came my awesome sister yesica.  She came down to Bisbee for about a week..and really helped us get it done..and we did...we packed everything up just in time for our move...

it was a crazy ride...but we are now happily moved in to our new home...

it was actually really sad..because i do do love love love bisbee..it is a beautiful place full of charm and natural beauty...not to mention the people that you meet...the volunteers at the migrant center were some of the nicest people i've ever know...people con corazon..and i am going to miss them...but still...i wont deny that it was equally exciting to begin yet another journey with my husband....

my new house does not have the exagerado..gorgeous view of the mountains staring at me from the window...but there are certainly some wonderful perks...

for one...i now have a huge walk in closet :) and since i love to cook...my kitchen is so freaking beautiful! it even has an island! and finally...the best part is that i have a bathtub!! i am literally obsessed with water...i think i was a fish in another life..because i can spend hours in the shower...and so a bathtub...its like a xmas present, everytime you use it...for reals!

anyhow this pretty much wraps up all the recent news...

oh yeah..one more thing...we have a snake behind our house...not on purpose..it just showed up..but some people say its good luck so im not about to mess with it...let the good luck pour in...:)

Going Home

The month of july was crazy hectic and yet so amazingly beautiful...so much has happened that this post will probably be all over the place, but that's ok...

rambling is good from time to time..(so i tell myself)

Anyway...

Bisbee weather was absolutely amazing for most of July, flowers started blooming once again, and then of course the smell of rain against the dirt is so absolutely unforgetable...my favorite part, however, is the deep greys and blues that dress the sunsets and skyscapes in the afternoons...i wish i could cherish each and every one of those moments and or put them in some sort of scrapbook to take with me no matter where I go...I suppose there's always the camara...but though I'm fond of photos I don't believe that even a photo can capture the gracious beauty of experiencing it all...for one i think our senses simply don't function as well in isolation...i.e. you can view a beautiful image..but to couple that vision with sound and smell..and even taste..it's something different...perhaps only the mind can store it away in a place where maybe memory alone can find it...but with time memories fade...and then they're gone

oh i don't know..i've been feeling kind of melancholic and lethargic...so i guess the weather is a good place to begin...and then of course there was mexico

with that alone i should be super happy...but everytime something good happens, there's always it's counter opposite, and then there's you...in the middle of it all...

i had the most amazing trip...i took a one week vacation to my hometown (Salvatierra, Guanajuato, Mex) with my family.  It was super fun...but most of all it felt like a relief...a sort of going home feeling for me...

though i now live in the states...i'm not sure I will ever feel like this is my home...my home is salvatierra...

no doubt about it...

yet i don't know why..i mean..i've lived in arizona for most of my life...i only lived in guanajuato till I was eight...i'm now 30...so you do the math...

yet still..i just feel more alive when i'm there...it's the food, the people, the colors, the streets, the smells, and the green, oh man the richness of the green pastures down there are just unreal...i guess that's why i love bisbee...it reminds me in subtle ways to being somewhere different...and yet it's not enough...

anyhow...we drove for about 24 hours until we arrived at our destination...this is a picture of the road there...

 

strangely enough..i believe this is the one and only picture I took...i kept relying on others in my family to take picutres...i so regret this...but anyway...the minute we got there I instantly felt like crying...i was so emotional..i just love the streets of salvatierra...life seems so simple there...

anywho..i tried to make the best of the time i had there...we arrived on a friday..and spent the afternoon with my aunt alta and my cousins, then of course, we made our way to the portal to eat some largas....hmmm...largas!

Largas are these large and particularly thick handmade tortillas (kind of like a huarache...if you are familiar with the term)...you fill them with a variety of foods..from beans de la olla to zuchini to cactus to pico de gallo and/or rajas (strips from a chile poblano with sour cream and onion) and for meat eaters..there's of course lots of choices such as steak and other items...at the portal near the town park or jardin.  The jardin's are very popular in central and southern mexico..it's like a plaza or piazza in italy, they usually sit at the center of the town and typically near a church, there people tend to gather and eat ice cream from one of the many vendors, they also sell cake and other yummies...well in Salvatierra..right across the jardin, is a portal where food vendors gather..and there's anything you can imagine..from largas to enchiladas to tamales to pozole to atole and bunuelos (a sweet desert that will kick your socks off) to hamburgers and also jello with eggnog...yup jello..lol..

So as you can imagine the smells that radiate from the portal captivate and lure you in..pretty much every night...:) and we of course..took full advantage....strangely enough, however, though we ate soooooo much..we actually lost weight...mainly because the food in mexico is just so much fresher and beyond that I think its because you walk everywhere down there...

So as I was saying...we got there on a friday and then spent all of saturday preparing for my cousins wedding.  The ceremony was beautiful with the exception of a bit of drama in the middle of it all..but oh well..the important thing is that the drama did not involve the groom and the bride...so i think that's all that matters...on the contrary their love held on strong throughout the night...it was beautiful...and fun...

We also were lucky enought to make it to the beach...we went to Ixtapa for a couple days and it was so perfect.  My favorite thing to do at a beach is to eat french fries with lots of ketchup while under the influence of a rum and coke...it was a todo incluido deal..i.e. all inclusive hotel..so you could eat and drink as much as you wanted.  In the evenings..they had some amazing shows...with wonderful dancers and singers..and lots of laughing..my dad actually got on stage our last night there and entered some crazy contest where he pretty much made  fool of himself...we cheered him on as much as we could!

And then, as our week vacation came to an end...my husband got sick...it totally sucked because we spent the next day or two indoors..but in a way..it was good to sneak in some rest...after a hectic and exciting few days.  I think it was the cheese in a chile relleno. Unfortunately, some of the cheeses that are unpasteurized can make you sick because they carry bacteria we arent used to unless we lived there...it's the well known travelers diar..ewww! i will not type that word..but you know what i mean...;)

Our last day was pretty magical...Ray surprized me by booking an amazing amazing hotel in the middle of mexico city, with the most amazing panaromic views you can imagine...it was literally a condo...with two rooms, two bathrooms, modern furniture, 42 in LG TV, the works! They even had a brownie waiting for us...in the room...it was so amazing..did i mention the word amazing?

and then just like that...our vacation ended.  So yeah.  That was my vacation. 

We flew back in lieu of driving because my family stayed back an extra week and we needed to get back to Bisbee.  We flew into Hermosillo, the plane ride was a breeze but it was once we arrived at Hermosillo that the problems began.  A crazy cabdriver completely drove us to the wrong bus station..so we missed our bus back to Naco.  Fonally at around 4pm, after putting up with hunger and the unbearable heat...we took a seven hour bus ride back to Agua Prieta, and then Ray's mom generously picked us up and took us back to Bisbee...whew! we were t i r e d! and so relieved to be back....but amidst it all..in the silence...i began to miss salvatierra, my home sweet home.