midnight rant

days like today
loud noises live in silence amidst the exterior busyness of the day
people's desires and expectations
they suffocate me
like a snake they wrap themselves around my neck
as i gasp to breathe i'm reminded yet again how I'm not enough
how we are not eternal
i can't help it
i have come to realize that i am but this person
inappropriate and untimely
i fall short
and yet again

I'm tired god, please
please save me from this skin and its expiration
help me navigate this darkness que me atormenta
rescue me from the past I'm now creating
i may not know how tomorrow ends but i know these are my most beautiful memories
the routine of the ordinary happenings
these are the things you long and miss one day
i wish so badly to return to those instances of simplicity
where nothing mattered more than togetherness, and family
                 
                          -----------------

i lived in a house full of arguments and disputes
we had nothing better to do with our time i guess
we enjoyed the challenging nature of the next debate
i remember fondly sitting around the house, the couch or the dinner table
debating whatever came to mind
       race, politics, technology, music, gender
we had no place to go
no one to visit
we didn't follow sports or anything popular
at most jerry springer and montel williams played in the background
cristina while my mom was cooking rice
        claudia and us
we just sat around yelling, disputing, making sense of the world
what from afar may have seemed like a loud fight
for us it was much more intimate and innocent..the way young boys wrestle or compete
we found pleasure in our arguments
in discovering language and its power to convince, to frame, to stylize and empower a position
i enjoyed it, perhaps too much at that
but it was what we did

mexican people are many at times perceived as submissive and timid
the image of the probervial brown man under a cactus comes to mind
but they're wrong about us
our family was loud
is loud
our voices stood strong and as a kid you learned quickly to be opinionated or enable others opinions to shape and define you

i miss those days

the problem i've faced throughout my life, is that these lessons, these linguistic exercises would later on get me into trouble
most do not like confrontation or dispute
people find it uncomfortable
and so i've made a few people uncomfortable throughout my life
and while i have my regrets i realize now that its something in me
something that perhaps cannot be changed
i say what i think
the truth offends e incomoda

but what's my alternative?
to rest comfortably in politeness?
i don't make love to arbitrary words, its just not in me
i rather die
i don't want to live symbolically
i aint no fucken placeholder
i exist in this every edge of me which is rough and uneven and imperfect
and I'm ok with that

I'm sorry god for seeming insensitive
I'm sorry momma
i do care
i do long to be a good person
i owe that to you momma

i know biting my tongue would make you proud of me
and god knows i'll do anything for my momma

but

you also taught me to be proud

and i can't help it if i am, and very
   esp of you
of being your daughter
of being your enojona
peleonera
fea
  me siento podrida y agridulce
               pero soy fuerte mamita
fuerte like you

life ain't easy
it's shitty right now

i can always tell you anything and everything and today i can't
i can't run to you like i always do
i can't cry to you
i don't want you to know how much it hurts me to know you are going through this
i wish i could take your place

but i have kids too and I'm happy they are safe and that I'm here to care for them the way you cared for me and still today, you are teaching me this

 you are teaching me how to live and how to love without conditions, how to care

i learned as a young child how to fight and to swim in whatever current we encountered, i learned that from watching you and my dad struggle and fight con las unas for our future

and here we are again, life has never been perfect, but you always made it worthwhile
it's still worthwhile and while i may have my moments
i want nothing more than to live and to see you live many more years yelling at me and telling me how i've got it all wrong
i want your voice in my head screaming loudly and telling me to think with my head and not my heart


make no mistake, I'm swimming


i hope and pray planning life for tomorrow could be easier
but my heart is in a coma

it sits still

i can't breathe thinking about tomorrow

what came before today was lovely and I'm enjoying the now just as much,
you exist in these spaces of time and that's good enough for me
tomorrow i don't know
what may come will come
and i just can't envision more than that

I'm broken

fuck you cancer

Executive Action and "Being Happy with What we Got"

I came home last night so exhausted and with not much energy to even look at my phone and read up on any facebook updates.  It has been such an emotion filled couple of days that I am still processing what I feel.

Our community has been fighting for so long for some sort of relief and now we have it, that it is still difficult to have a reaction.  This is undeniably such a HUGE victory, but yet so many people have been left out of the celebration.  I’ve read posts this morning saying that we “should be happy with what we get” that we should be grateful to Obama for “giving us something.”  These words alone “what we are getting” remind me that this is not something we are getting from ANYONE. 

This is something our community has achieved, a huge milestone given the context in which our families live on the day to day.  We have exposed the ugliness and complex nature of immigration.  We have exposed the racism that still penetrates, breathes, and lives in the fabric of our society.  We have brought to light the injustices for people of color in Arizona and nationwide.  We have RESISTED and learned to resist from the people who live the reality of living in the label of illegality on a daily basis, despite an entire system designed to oppress them and keep them in a status of illegitimacy and trauma.  We have witnessed our families resist this very system that targets and harasses and hurts and kills through the construction of shifting borders that exclude and divide.   

We have resisted and learned to resist from the leadership of organizations who through various tactics have moved the movement for human rights forward.  We have resisted and learned to resist from our youth, from students and dreamers who questioned the status quo, who risked arrest, and continue to experiment with ways to demand more from this process that continues to deny our families the human rights we continue to exercise and know we have.  This is a HUGE victory for ourselves, we have exposed this problem and forced the United States to recognize its need to address the mess they know they have but a mess that our community has loudly and passionately been screaming is NOT okay and it is something we are TAKING NO MORE OF. 

While the administration thinks this is enough, we all know in our hearts that it’s not.  But should we be happy, YES! We have came this far in pushing for the recognition of our human rights and while this is not the answer nor the cure for this sick society that profits and sustains itself from the exploitation of people of color, it is a step in the right direction, a step to reenergize our movement and continue fighting till brown and illegal cease to be synonymous, to continue fighting till the stigma of criminality is shifted away from the sweat of immigrant workers, till every single mother no longer has to worry about abandoning their children when and if they are kidnapped by our government through detention and deportation, till every student is able to focus on living his or her dreams and their education instead of on trying to protect the status of their families, till we are finished teaching fear to our children by having to have conversations about la migra, till speaking Espanol is something we value rather than denigrate, till ethnic studies is recognized as a necessary component of our history and education, the fight will continue till  these and so many other important issues are resolved in our community, the fight continues. 

We know from Ferguson and various other communities that despite their legality, being a person of color continues to be a problem in the United States, we have scratched the surface of a much deeply rooted historical element of America’s tradition.  But in this tradition, the struggle continues and I know our community is far from done, we will continue moving forward.

Sin Gente

Summer days at the Naco Migrant Center have been pretty lonely.  While in the spring the center was crowded and full of commotion..the recent days are filled with reflection and most of all, silence.

I always bring a book, but tend to spend most of my days talking with the other volunteers about the center and or exchanging our own theories about whether or not people are still crossing.  We've concluded that they are, but that due to the repatriation efforts and new funding/programs, people are either not crossing through Naco or they are crossing but simply being repatriated through Nogales or flown back to Mexico City after being processed in Tucson.  According to the volunteers who've been there longer, this summer silence is normal...


The heat is so unbearable that I'd like to convince myself that people stopped crossing but then one or two people come in and you realize this is not the case...people continue to cross...

Unfortunately, their stories are also harsher...one guy today expressed that he had been robbed and no longer had any money to return home or keep trying...he looked defeated...as if he had tried to conquer this huge beast and in his case, he had lost...

He asked me how long this repatriation was going to happen, whether enforcement was this hard all the time or just in the summer...he told me he just wanted to go home..but maybe in the fall, he would return and try again...

It's quite amazing to me..their strength...

I know I may sound like I'm objectifying or romanticizing but I'm not..I really see something truly special about people who migrate...they are not like everyone else...

most all the people i've met, their hearts are filled with hope and strength, lots of strength and perseverance...

amidst the many obstacles they face...they continue to try again...and again.

like a passionate love that doesn't die...their courage motivates me to love too...to love humanity...and our ability to fight so hard for a dream, to maintain hope when it's so hard to keep on
most everyone does it for their family or for the dream of "making it" or whatever that should mean...

And yet like love, hate also co-exists...in the background beautiful mountains and desert landscapes observe with indifference

millions of dollars, nativist hate groups, politicians, media, and innocent folk who buy into the rethoric...work together to ensure that the border, the coveted border will keep out the brown folks who are trying to come in...

Just this last weeked the so called Tea Party held a rally in Hereford, AZ, about 15 minutes away from Bisbee and Sierra Vista.  We organized a counter protest in opposition of their rally.  It was awesome...Just to make the statement that they weren't welcomed.

Supporters, in their red white and blue gear drove in with their out of town license plates...to claim ownership of a land they hardly know or recognize...to urge enforcement of the "illegals" who are "invading" their country...

It's quite funny, actually.

Land. 

People feel so entitled to claim it...and yet..they hardly take the time to really get to know it..to explore it..to imprint their existance upon it...Land. yup. Land.

Migrants spend hours getting familiar with the desert, they walk and walk for days on their journey up north...they risk their lives in that land...their spirit resonates in the air...in the gravel, and the many paths that thousands have walked upon...

and like nothing...strangers to this particular land..arrive in their trucks, and suv's with their clever bumper stickers and american flags...to gather..to talk about how they can make the lives' of migrants so difficult, so unbearable, that they'll want to leave...

little do they realize that if the desert didn't defeat them..their ridiculous laws won't either..

sb1070 has brought so much attention to the immigration issue...and yet the border and militirization continues to be a non-issue for advocates...no instead it's all about racial profiling and getting out the vote...we encourage and lie to ourselves that the next candidate won't be a shmuck, but who are we kidding? i hate politicians..i really do...morons without a conscience...all they care about is winning...and then there's the dream act people...message being..let's give the students a chance...and screw everyone else...truly selfish and individualistic messaging...but oh well...i guess i too would be happy to get something rather than nothing...and i do like the dream act..just dont like the whole "stand alone" bill deal...

in any case im glad sb 1070 happened..its truly about time that these injustices came to the forefront, even if through something as awful as sb1070, perhaps that's my privilege talking, but even friends who are undocumented are truly sick of marching without results...at least this blatant attack can stir some action....i just hope its for the benefit of our people...

And then there's the border patrol...can you believe they are now checking people before going into Mexico? Yes...they are..the US is checking people for papers before they leave the states to go into mexico! is it not our right to effen leave when we freaking want to? damn it...just another sign or illustration of their power...and how much its effen growing...(i have a lot more to say..but i'll come back to this) clearly i'm angry...but how can we avoid it..when people are dying over a childish game of this is mine and that is yours...couldn't we all get the point back in kinder garden? it's okay to s h a r e!

pero bueno...enough of my ranting...my only point is that it's been quite an experience volunteering at the migrant center, even when there's no people to help...there's always so much to reflect upon...the irony of it all...con o sin gente