the problem with cancer

it's been a bit over a month that we found out.

Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM

The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.

They found out a couple months earlier.  On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday.  It was confirmed that she would begin treatment.  I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions.  The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other.  I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling.  I'm not well.

It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.

that's the problem

Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know.  Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news.  I have nightmares.  I feel this urge to tell everyone.  I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore.  I'm angry.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life.  Even the sound of laughter bothers me.  All problems pale in comparison.  I don't want to care about anyone but her.  She made me, she's fire.

Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why.  It was all so mysterious.  We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.

5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me.  I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background.  I began to cry as I anticipated the worse.  And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?

8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays.  I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no.  She never says no.  It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.

9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do.  I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything.  She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.

I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do.  'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her.  That's the thing, she's always been there for me.  For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed.  She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart.  She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things.  I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism.  And yet, as a child I never appreciated her.  I took her for granted so many times.  I hated that she felt so overbearing.  That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right.  As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.

She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.

8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"

my heart dropped

through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry.  That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid.  That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry.  As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied.  I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried.  that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad.  That I knew she would be okay.  The last part I meant and still mean.

I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am.  I'm so afraid.  I'm more than sad, I'm broken.  Cancer breaks shit up.

that's my background noise.

AND YET cancer also unites.  it's a wake up call as my mom says.  it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships

there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast

we are all afraid

but,

       all we can do is

                                  Let it Be

and put it on faith,

put it on faith

god willing this nightmare will soon be over

Executive Action and "Being Happy with What we Got"

I came home last night so exhausted and with not much energy to even look at my phone and read up on any facebook updates.  It has been such an emotion filled couple of days that I am still processing what I feel.

Our community has been fighting for so long for some sort of relief and now we have it, that it is still difficult to have a reaction.  This is undeniably such a HUGE victory, but yet so many people have been left out of the celebration.  I’ve read posts this morning saying that we “should be happy with what we get” that we should be grateful to Obama for “giving us something.”  These words alone “what we are getting” remind me that this is not something we are getting from ANYONE. 

This is something our community has achieved, a huge milestone given the context in which our families live on the day to day.  We have exposed the ugliness and complex nature of immigration.  We have exposed the racism that still penetrates, breathes, and lives in the fabric of our society.  We have brought to light the injustices for people of color in Arizona and nationwide.  We have RESISTED and learned to resist from the people who live the reality of living in the label of illegality on a daily basis, despite an entire system designed to oppress them and keep them in a status of illegitimacy and trauma.  We have witnessed our families resist this very system that targets and harasses and hurts and kills through the construction of shifting borders that exclude and divide.   

We have resisted and learned to resist from the leadership of organizations who through various tactics have moved the movement for human rights forward.  We have resisted and learned to resist from our youth, from students and dreamers who questioned the status quo, who risked arrest, and continue to experiment with ways to demand more from this process that continues to deny our families the human rights we continue to exercise and know we have.  This is a HUGE victory for ourselves, we have exposed this problem and forced the United States to recognize its need to address the mess they know they have but a mess that our community has loudly and passionately been screaming is NOT okay and it is something we are TAKING NO MORE OF. 

While the administration thinks this is enough, we all know in our hearts that it’s not.  But should we be happy, YES! We have came this far in pushing for the recognition of our human rights and while this is not the answer nor the cure for this sick society that profits and sustains itself from the exploitation of people of color, it is a step in the right direction, a step to reenergize our movement and continue fighting till brown and illegal cease to be synonymous, to continue fighting till the stigma of criminality is shifted away from the sweat of immigrant workers, till every single mother no longer has to worry about abandoning their children when and if they are kidnapped by our government through detention and deportation, till every student is able to focus on living his or her dreams and their education instead of on trying to protect the status of their families, till we are finished teaching fear to our children by having to have conversations about la migra, till speaking Espanol is something we value rather than denigrate, till ethnic studies is recognized as a necessary component of our history and education, the fight will continue till  these and so many other important issues are resolved in our community, the fight continues. 

We know from Ferguson and various other communities that despite their legality, being a person of color continues to be a problem in the United States, we have scratched the surface of a much deeply rooted historical element of America’s tradition.  But in this tradition, the struggle continues and I know our community is far from done, we will continue moving forward.

sooooooooooo much has happened....part 1

Jeez...I feel like its been forever since I last wrote on here..I know that everyone who starts a blog..has one or two of these type of posts...but seriously...it's been absolutely crazy these last couple of months that I have no idea where to begin...my life has literally been turned upside down..but in incredible & wonderful ways...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...

I'M PREGNANT!

ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...

anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...

simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...

we felt so doomed in every which way possible...

but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!

it feels so magical...

i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...

i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..

i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...

i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.

anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...

still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that  I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)

so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!

we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
    ........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...

Waiting For You

Ever since I lost my baby, my Rudy, It's been rare the days that I don't think of or dream of him/her. I often wonder what he/she would look like.  And then I cry or hurt some more.  I'm convinced it was a boy. 
I don't know why..I just always say he..when i think of him...but maybe that's just my own bias living in such a sexist society.  I guess I'm prone to think of my baby as a male.  In any case, I miss him/her, I really do. 

And with all the excitement over the last couple of months..I'm finally beginning to want to try again.  And so we have.  I keep thinking that this next time things will be different.  That I won't miscarry my little creation.  God how I hate that term...miscarry...it so sounds like it was my fault..damn it..i would do anything to carry the next one the right way..if  i only knew what that way was...i thought I was doing it all the last time..and I failed.

But this time, I know I have an edge...I have my little angel watching over the new baby to come...I know he will help me carry him right...

So yeah, we are trying again.  I'm praying and hoping that we are successful and I actually conceive. And secondly, and most importantly that I don't miscarry.

I'm praying so much for a happy ending to this journey. god help me.

It's so painful for me to write about this, but I think I need to just let it out. With our first baby, I wanted to keep it a secret until I knew he was safe and boy did that blow up in my face, because all I want to do now is honor its existence, to say and yell...that he was here with us...and though i miscarried..it wasn't my fault..and i love my Rudy..and I will love the next baby..with so much love...and i won't hide it or be afraid..because fear is for cowards, and i have courage..and i have Rudy with me..and the next time..if i fail..i'll handle it..and i'll have not one angel watching over me..but two..and there's nothing wrong with that...because i rather be a fool with faith than a coward with fear...and so here are my thoughts...uncensored...and stupid..but mine all the same...

Here's something for my baby to be...

Dear Baby,

I hate this world.

I'm sorry I want so badly to bring you into it...but I promise I will bend over backwards to try to make your world something beautiful..something better than what I ever had

I know you don't exist yet..but the good news is that Rudy will take care of you once you do..

I know it. Rudy is with me each and every day..and his existence has brought me strength and perseverance i did not have before...

I want you to know that I'm waiting for you with so much anticipation and excitement...and love..lots and lots of love...

love that is coming from me, from your dad, and most importantly from your baby brother that though not alive lives more than ever inside my heart and soon yours...

te quiero..

your mom