the problem with cancer

it's been a bit over a month that we found out.

Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM

The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.

They found out a couple months earlier.  On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday.  It was confirmed that she would begin treatment.  I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions.  The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other.  I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling.  I'm not well.

It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.

that's the problem

Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know.  Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news.  I have nightmares.  I feel this urge to tell everyone.  I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore.  I'm angry.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life.  Even the sound of laughter bothers me.  All problems pale in comparison.  I don't want to care about anyone but her.  She made me, she's fire.

Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why.  It was all so mysterious.  We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.

5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me.  I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background.  I began to cry as I anticipated the worse.  And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?

8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays.  I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no.  She never says no.  It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.

9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do.  I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything.  She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.

I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do.  'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her.  That's the thing, she's always been there for me.  For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed.  She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart.  She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things.  I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism.  And yet, as a child I never appreciated her.  I took her for granted so many times.  I hated that she felt so overbearing.  That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right.  As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.

She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.

8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"

my heart dropped

through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry.  That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid.  That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry.  As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied.  I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried.  that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad.  That I knew she would be okay.  The last part I meant and still mean.

I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am.  I'm so afraid.  I'm more than sad, I'm broken.  Cancer breaks shit up.

that's my background noise.

AND YET cancer also unites.  it's a wake up call as my mom says.  it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships

there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast

we are all afraid

but,

       all we can do is

                                  Let it Be

and put it on faith,

put it on faith

god willing this nightmare will soon be over

Almost Forty

So it's officially almost "the end" of my third trimester...I'm 39 weeks plus 1 day, and awaiting ever so anxiously the arrival of our little baby. 

I feel like I haven't blogged on here in forever...truth is that this last trimester was absolutely crazy.  There was literally so much that I felt I needed to get done before being truly "ready" for the baby...and everyday I would set out to tackle a gazillion to do items written and rewritten on countless yellow notepads.  Each time something else felt like an emergency...from taking child prep courses at the nearby hospital, to researching the safest car seat, to what kind of diaper ointment to buy...there seemed to be a myriad of things to do, discover, and investigate.  Not to mention the wonderful joys of embracing that wonderful nesting instinct that can keep you up at night and drive your sweet husband absolutely nuts, organizing and reorganizing every nook imaginable. 

At the same time I was also in such a hurry to finish my comprehensive exams for my dissertation, which I am happy to report I have finished and passed! Yey! It's been a crazy and yet productive couple of months.  My energy levels have gone up and down like a roller coaster, but finally..i can say that i'm ready! I'm seriously absolutely ready...sure there are loose ends here and there and so many other things I wish I had done or done better...but all in all at this point I'm absolutely ready for baby to arrive.  We've decorated the nursery, took classes, setup all the baby gear, got a new car (!:), been exercising, eating well, became a regular customer at babies r us...oh and i can recite the ewg (skin deep) score for most baby products...yup we're ready! i'm super duper anxious and almost inpatient at this point...afterall i'm almost forty weeks now...our due date is june 3rd! one day before my birthday!

Gosh, I can't believe we've made it this far...it's been a scary ride for sure...from thinking our baby was breech to arguing with midwives over ultrasounds, it's been a struggle all the way...and yet here we are almost forty weeks...i'm still so afraid of what's to come..but just keeping the faith, hoping, praying, and awaiting to hold our little angel in my arms.

Fireworks

I'm not going to lie. 
(Decoded: Yes, sometimes I do).  I don't mean to lie, but sometimes we all lie, a little, mostly to ourselves, as a way to cope with life and with our own internal conscience.  You know, that little voice that keeps us decent...that keeps us from becoming someone we don't want to be...sometimes we just lie.

At any rate, I feel like being truthful with myself today...and the truth is that sometimes life is not so beautiful. Or at least, it's hard to see it for what it is independent of our own interception with it. In fact, there are times when it is difficult to get up and act alive or interact with anyone.  It is in these times that I envision myself turning into a rock and just being blown away with the current of a river or something forceful that will take all control and decision making from my reach.

It's so painful to face yourself, who you really are and be content with something less than perfect.  But that is what we are afterall, something completely imperfect.  So, as I was saying, sometimes life just sucks and things don't feel so wonderful. This is how I felt Sunday.  I felt so out of it. I spent most of the day silently complaining to myself about a gazillion things I haven't done or finished, or things that aren't right with my life, and in the midst of my moodiness I ended up getting into an argument with my hubby.  I don't know if he was out of it too, but we were both less than willing to meet halfway and move on.  We were upset with eachother pretty much all day.  All our plans for the day got ruined, and there we were.  But by the time the evening came around...things just got a whole lot better.

I've never been a big fourth of july fan.  Particularly living in Arizona.  A State full of racism and bigotry.  With time, one can't help but to become pretty cynical about "patriotism." Anyway, celebrating "The United States of America," isn't exactly one of my priorities. 

But as I said, given that we were out of plans, we decided to go for a drive and see if we could find something to eat.  We ended up driving up to Warren, where the streets were filled with families, their children, and many lawn chairs.  Bright eyes of the young and old were anxiously staring at the skies and excitedly awaiting the fireworks. 

It was then, at that moment, that I stepped outside my mind and realized that despite reality, it's still worth it to be like those in the streets of Warren, it's still worth it to keep on waiting for the fireworks...it's part of what makes us human, to hope and to get happy and to celebrate, i don't know how many actually celebrate "America," my theory is that they were celebrating life, and the reason or the meaning was irrelevant...there would be fireworks...and there would be beauty and fun that day...even if for a moment

so we joined the crowds...we got tickets to watch a baseball game that would commence after the fireworks, bought some nachos and a sprite, and we sat in the darkness, on the grass of the baseball field (right field) waiting for the fireworks...

the stars shined above playing in and out with the beatiful colors of fire in the sky, and for an instant-nothing interrupted that moment in time...my heart felt so content...there in the company of my husband, i sat watching and smiling..and not thinking, finally..i felt, once again, at home

i'm not going to lie, sometimes life feels awful...
it most likely is...
but when you least expect it, if you open your eyes, something steps in to remind you, that it will be okay, and that there are always reasons we can make up to celebrate and love life all over again.  there will always be a pile of to do's and a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt..but that's perfectly okay too, our struggles are the fireworks of our lives...

i dont know...maybe our problems and their collisions, are just like the ones that shine with magic..and maybe someone or something out there is smiling and laughing and thinking that there is beauty and fun to be found where we don't see it...