Anger

today ray and the kids and i took a road trip to yuma, i was so afraid to leave for what seemed like an eternity away from Phoenix.  the thought of something happening to my mom and me not being near enough to come to her in time is something that had me worrying extensively.  the thing is though, that life is so short that it makes sense to live it.  i saw a sign on the drive there, it said "feed your body well, it is where you live" it was an advertisement for organic food.  i didn't eat well today though, i ate crappy, and that's not like me as of the last year or so.  I just feel so very angry about my mom.  it just doesn't make sense to me why she had to get sick.  out of all the people out there that this could have happened to, why her? at times the pain i feel gets translated into an urge to fix things, to do right, to eat well and to take care of myself and my children, and then there's days like today where I just want to quit...i just want to say "fuck you cancer, I'm not afraid of you, i'll do what I want!!" and yet that's exactly what I don't want to do...I want to have this experience be motivation for myself and family to do something positive, to live a healthy lifestyle not just for a year, but permanently.  I realize there will be days where I fail, but I'm committed to keep trying

t r y i n g

to just put in the work and try to live a healthy and productive life, i owe that to my momma.  we had breakfast at cracker barrel.  She loves that place.  I was thinking how nice it would be to be there with her.  ray emerson loves it so much too.  he loves looking at things and playing with the gadgets they have in the store while he contemplates a way to get us to buy him something.  he was so grumpy today, parenting is definitely not easy.  he screams and rages at times in ways that seriously makes me want to lose my cool, but i know its just not what i want for him.  i don't want to compete with his anger and be tough on him.  i want to have a relationship with him, where I'm his safe spot, not a person who controls and makes him afraid.  i'm working on it.  one thing that worked today is just letting him be angry, giving him permission and the space to hate me and everything around him and then allowing him to jump into being happy as soon as he was ready.  i assured him that we loved him and to let us know when he was done being angry.  we didn't lecture him as to why he was mad or why he shouldn't rage, we just worked on rewarding that he was ready to be happy.  i think cancer taught me that, i feel like we all need space to be mad sometimes, even if it's not pretty.  life is not always what we expect or want, and realizing that sooner than later is important

when i was little it always took me forever to find a way to be okay again.  i knew how to get good and angry but i had no idea how to come back from it.  sometimes things my parents said, the way they reasoned with me, or just in having space to think about things, made me realize i was wrong  and though i wanted to be okay again, i just did not know how to do that, how to go from having been at one end of the spectrum to the other.  sometimes my mom would just hug me and that would be just what i needed, but as i grew up, it did not get easier, others didn't know to hug me and help me cross over to being okay.  i had to learn eventually that happiness is just a choice.  you just have to decide when its time to let anger go...

i'm trying

Executive Action and "Being Happy with What we Got"

I came home last night so exhausted and with not much energy to even look at my phone and read up on any facebook updates.  It has been such an emotion filled couple of days that I am still processing what I feel.

Our community has been fighting for so long for some sort of relief and now we have it, that it is still difficult to have a reaction.  This is undeniably such a HUGE victory, but yet so many people have been left out of the celebration.  I’ve read posts this morning saying that we “should be happy with what we get” that we should be grateful to Obama for “giving us something.”  These words alone “what we are getting” remind me that this is not something we are getting from ANYONE. 

This is something our community has achieved, a huge milestone given the context in which our families live on the day to day.  We have exposed the ugliness and complex nature of immigration.  We have exposed the racism that still penetrates, breathes, and lives in the fabric of our society.  We have brought to light the injustices for people of color in Arizona and nationwide.  We have RESISTED and learned to resist from the people who live the reality of living in the label of illegality on a daily basis, despite an entire system designed to oppress them and keep them in a status of illegitimacy and trauma.  We have witnessed our families resist this very system that targets and harasses and hurts and kills through the construction of shifting borders that exclude and divide.   

We have resisted and learned to resist from the leadership of organizations who through various tactics have moved the movement for human rights forward.  We have resisted and learned to resist from our youth, from students and dreamers who questioned the status quo, who risked arrest, and continue to experiment with ways to demand more from this process that continues to deny our families the human rights we continue to exercise and know we have.  This is a HUGE victory for ourselves, we have exposed this problem and forced the United States to recognize its need to address the mess they know they have but a mess that our community has loudly and passionately been screaming is NOT okay and it is something we are TAKING NO MORE OF. 

While the administration thinks this is enough, we all know in our hearts that it’s not.  But should we be happy, YES! We have came this far in pushing for the recognition of our human rights and while this is not the answer nor the cure for this sick society that profits and sustains itself from the exploitation of people of color, it is a step in the right direction, a step to reenergize our movement and continue fighting till brown and illegal cease to be synonymous, to continue fighting till the stigma of criminality is shifted away from the sweat of immigrant workers, till every single mother no longer has to worry about abandoning their children when and if they are kidnapped by our government through detention and deportation, till every student is able to focus on living his or her dreams and their education instead of on trying to protect the status of their families, till we are finished teaching fear to our children by having to have conversations about la migra, till speaking Espanol is something we value rather than denigrate, till ethnic studies is recognized as a necessary component of our history and education, the fight will continue till  these and so many other important issues are resolved in our community, the fight continues. 

We know from Ferguson and various other communities that despite their legality, being a person of color continues to be a problem in the United States, we have scratched the surface of a much deeply rooted historical element of America’s tradition.  But in this tradition, the struggle continues and I know our community is far from done, we will continue moving forward.

Professor?

So much has happened since I last checked in here.  For one, my goal of graduating finally came to fruition! I have officially finished my phd program in Educational Leadership & Policy Studies and can now put the letters "D" and "r" next to my name.  I still can't believe it.  I remember how far away this goal always seemed.  How unrealistic and impossible it appeared to be at one point, and now here I am, 'finished!'

Surprisingly, I feel a bit melancholic about the whole thing.  Knowing that I won't be attending campus anymore as a student.  Knowing that when I introduce myself I can no longer say I'm a student.  I suppose that I've existed in this identity for so long that it seems so incredibly strange to now instantly separate myself from it and know that there is nothing else left to do, I finished my journey, I thought.

For a long time, I just prayed for the strength and perseverance to make it to the finish line, I never once spent too much energy on what would happen post graduation, I never made any plans about what would be next or about employment.  I suppose this is a privilege I've had.  But also, I have felt that I just wanted to graduate for the sake of getting my diploma, of making my parents and my husband proud, with the aspiration of somehow continuing my life as it had existed before.  I didn't want to do what everyone else was doing, searching for jobs, having to move out of Arizona, etc.  Subsequently, I never worried too much about not having any teaching experience.  I figured life would work itself out.  I've always been strange that way, not much of a plan ahead type of person, mostly I enjoy doing the things I'm passionate about and not much else.

Luckily, things have gone exactly the way most of my life has gone.  They've just happened.  I've been blessed with the opportunity to teach as an associate faculty at ASU.  I was so excited about it and then suddenly felt the same weird empty feeling in my belly, nerves, and anxiety when I realized I was going to do this.  I was going to teach.  

Rrrrrrrrrewind............Suddenly, I wanted to hit the rewind button and return to the days when I would grab a coffee at the nearest shop and slowly make my way into a classroom, as a student.  I started missing the idea of having to read and write papers, having a notepad and pen in hand ready, and be the listener, the observer, the learner, the one that was going to 'gain' something from the experience of taking a class.  But now, it was different.  I now have to be the talker, the one there to offer something of value to what in my mind appeared to be a sea of students.  and though in reality there were only 20, my brain reacted as if there were 200.  i was so frightened.  and then my husband interjected--u just have to get thru it, it's going to be okay.  And it was.  It has been.

Still it has been such an adventure and challenge, I realize now that I'm the one that is getting so much out of this experience.  I realize now that my journey is far from over.  I guess in the end, I'm still a student.  I still get to observe, to listen, to learn.  I guess not much has changed, only difference is that I have to work harder it seems.  I can't afford to be late, or to skip reading, It's so weird, but somehow beginning to realize that the moment when I was little that I once imagined, that one portrait of a woman wearing knee high boots and a black coat (the image of what a grown up version of me would look like) is finally here.  I've grown up.  I'm a mom, I work, and now I'm even older, I see the light and energy of my students, and in strange way I get to relive my days in college, I get to experience vicariously the experience of learning and in the midst of this realization...i feel blessed.   I have grown up into what I wanted to be--minus the knee high boots.

Writing about you

words often exist before ever having been written

it's been almost two years now, and I am just beginning to reconcile the whirlwind experience that mothering becomes, like a tornado being a mother engulfs you, swallows you whole and takes over every aspect of you

your thoughts no longer belong to you

they are no longer a part of you

your words, your language it too escapes you,

all you see is this new person 

their tiny feet and little hands 

their ambitious smile and pondering mind

i longed so long to be your mother my ray emerson

and it's been such an unbelievable ride that i never want to fall out of

the rough nights without sleep, countless runny noses and ear infections, you have awakened in me a fear i never knew was possible

a fear of never wanting anything to ever happen to you, to ever hurt you

and then from the torment and labor of it all is a smile, a laugh, that makes the world just right, that makes everything just perfect 

so much has happened that I wish i could record about you

i feel like already i have failed you in not jotting down every little wonderful thing you ever did, of which there were many, and in making notes about every cute thing you ever said, every wonderful sound you ever made

but the thing with time is that it always moves forward

too late

i guess i always figured that these moment were engrained my brain and somehow i could always go back and remember

but the days continue to go by and you become even more increasingly precious

i realize that this list has grown so long that i must, i need to write it down because my heart can no longer contain all you do to make this world a better place just by being you

also i suppose it was my own inexperience, the novelty of it all coupled with the challenges of being a new parent...i always felt like i was juggling so much that enjoying it seemed sufficient

but now that i think i'm getting the hang of this being a mom thing..i think it's only right that i share/record all that you have done to change my life, for the better

it seems fitting to begin writing, about you again...just now...a few days before our birthdays

you are currently looking more and more like a big boy, about to be 2!

you are now wearing pull-ups

you can tell me when you went potty

you love choo choo trains so very much it's insane

you now tell me to take you to the mall to ride the train

you love minnie mouse, mickey too-- you call him miska but esp. minnie 

my favorite thing to hear you say is "Mommy...?" you say it in a way as to seek reassurance, just for the sake of hearing me say..yes, ray or que, papi?  then you turn around and continue on with whatever you were doing

you love fideo, beans, tortillas, and cumbias

you dance, and its so contagious..that every time i watch you i want to dance myself

when you dont want to do something you let the world know..either by screaming it loudly or saying "no, not yet"

you are now able to chant "si se puede" and you love it!

you also chant "asu" and can recognize the university even from many streets away

you love sparky but still afraid to get too close to him

baseball, you watch with admiration and long to play, this makes your daddy so very happy

you are very athletic, you run so very fast and love to climb on top of everything

i sing to you at nights and you love to hold me before you go to sleep

you also love to read books, particularly the thomas books and that's not my train!

you are now counting and even have begun singing the abc's!

you love un elefante se columpiaba...and tonight you laughed hysterically during our reading of the cat in the hat in spanish, when i read the word "pum!" 

i would pay anything to relive that small instant of wonder and joy that emerged from your glossy and bright beautiful eyes

te quiero mucho mi ray

eres mi mundo entero

i can't wait for your birthday, you are going to be two very very soon, and im so excited for you! you sing happy birthday "arman ray" almost everyday and i know its going to be absolutely super special!

so many words existed before you were ever born, and with your birth the words seemed meaningless, nothing seemed good enough to describe you, it has taken me two years to be able to write about you, i know in my heart these lines will always fall short, they will always lack..but nonetheless im happy to begin to try-- because these moments that I'm living with you...i can't afford to ever forget

Almost Forty

So it's officially almost "the end" of my third trimester...I'm 39 weeks plus 1 day, and awaiting ever so anxiously the arrival of our little baby. 

I feel like I haven't blogged on here in forever...truth is that this last trimester was absolutely crazy.  There was literally so much that I felt I needed to get done before being truly "ready" for the baby...and everyday I would set out to tackle a gazillion to do items written and rewritten on countless yellow notepads.  Each time something else felt like an emergency...from taking child prep courses at the nearby hospital, to researching the safest car seat, to what kind of diaper ointment to buy...there seemed to be a myriad of things to do, discover, and investigate.  Not to mention the wonderful joys of embracing that wonderful nesting instinct that can keep you up at night and drive your sweet husband absolutely nuts, organizing and reorganizing every nook imaginable. 

At the same time I was also in such a hurry to finish my comprehensive exams for my dissertation, which I am happy to report I have finished and passed! Yey! It's been a crazy and yet productive couple of months.  My energy levels have gone up and down like a roller coaster, but finally..i can say that i'm ready! I'm seriously absolutely ready...sure there are loose ends here and there and so many other things I wish I had done or done better...but all in all at this point I'm absolutely ready for baby to arrive.  We've decorated the nursery, took classes, setup all the baby gear, got a new car (!:), been exercising, eating well, became a regular customer at babies r us...oh and i can recite the ewg (skin deep) score for most baby products...yup we're ready! i'm super duper anxious and almost inpatient at this point...afterall i'm almost forty weeks now...our due date is june 3rd! one day before my birthday!

Gosh, I can't believe we've made it this far...it's been a scary ride for sure...from thinking our baby was breech to arguing with midwives over ultrasounds, it's been a struggle all the way...and yet here we are almost forty weeks...i'm still so afraid of what's to come..but just keeping the faith, hoping, praying, and awaiting to hold our little angel in my arms.

UP - d o w n

So despite all my fears for a depressing and catastrophic thanksgiving..it all turned out to be a surprisingly wonderful holiday weekend.  I had an amazing time cooking with my dad and getting schooled on the proper way to cut an onion...it was amazing! it was so good to be with my husband and thank god for all the ups and downs that life can bring us...in one year had a new job twice, moved twice, and got pregnant twice, not to mention losing Rudy.  Not everyone we love was present at our thanksgiving table..but it was a beautiful table and they were definitely present in our hearts.  We ate a gazillion amount of food...it is almost sinful if you think about it..but it was what it was and we loved it.  By the end of the night everyone crashed tired as can be, there was no dancing as there usually is...but that's okay.  There was enough dancing of flavors in our mouth as it was, any more movement would have ended in a painful and regretful experience....:)

Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about.  Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time.  My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts!  (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!

The next day, my mother in law came down to see us.  This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together.  We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite).  We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall. 

Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate.  I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine.  You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense.  Before you know it you feel so insignificant.  That's life I guess.

So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program.  I hate them! Literally.  They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it.  Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.

So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal.  I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...

so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?

and so...my most recent accomplishment...butternut squash soup....yumm! just waiting for hubby to come in and say husband home! so we can dive in....

That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)

The Holidays

Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!

and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's.  Yup, the holidays are here!  Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays.  I don't know what it is exactly.  Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family.  Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.

Not this year. 

Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated.  The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.

Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st.  Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried.  Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas.  The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation.  Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch? 

To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house.  That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys.  Dilemma solved right? Wrong.

Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt. 

I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays?  In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself.  I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...

aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....

Santa Fe

Despite how sad life can seem sometimes, the truth is that I feel so lucky to wake up everyday and live.
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe.  My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job.  So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe. 
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.

I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months.  I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up.  Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel.  After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!

This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra.  In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle.  I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food.  They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.

And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here.  I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way.  I even feel like drawing or watercoloring.  It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again.  I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.

Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe.  We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday.  It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it.  The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
 
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.

So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long.  Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower.  After that its baby names and baby registry.  So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).

a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:

..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....

Shared Environments

The weekend has ended. 
As I sat here getting ready to doze off into a restful sleep, I felt the sudden urge to reflect for a moment, and well, write. It's just that this weekend was particularly special.  I didn't do anything of great significance or anything but rather I guess I am just loving the way I felt these last couple of days.  It's almost like if I felt myself growing...or at least beginning to chip away at the edges of uncertainty that many of us know way too very well.

I had picked up the Bisbee Observer, a local newspaper that detailed upcoming community events, and was suddenly inspired to go hiking.  The paper detailed a guided walk to a ranch (I can't quite recall the name) and the other was a guided walk in the San Pedro River.  One was at 7 am on Saturday and the other was at 8 am, also on Saturday.  Though I love mornings, we ended up going to the 8 am one because we were way too tired to wake up on time for the 7 am.

So as I was saying, the walk was a guided tour of the San Pedro River and it was free! Though we had both been there before and absolutely loved it, we thought it might be a good idea to learn a little about this beautiful place, I call it the place with the trees and Ray knows I'm talking about the river.  So there we were.  Lucky for us no one else showed up so we had the guides all to ourselves, they gave us so much information, and encouraged us to ask as many questions as possible and even asked what our interests where so they could taylor what they shared with us to meet our interests. 

They shared that there are many people this time of year who come out to see the birds, and so they focus on all the information about birds, and then there's others who come for the plants, or whose interests are focused on the cultural history of the place, or who are archeologists, or people interested in the water, or in the insects, and that depending on what we were interested in there was wealth of information to share.  At first, I had no idea what to say...I mean first I would have to ask myself...why am I interested? and second, what am I interested in?  I had no answer for myself so I was silent.  My instinct was that I just found the place beautiful but I was unsure if that was a good enough answer.  Lucky for me Ray jumped in and said..well we are interested in the history.  and I was.

So the walk began.  The guides are all volunteers and they call themselves "Friends of the San Pedro River."  They are extremely knowledgeable, and super kind.  Slowly they began to point out a series of details, about the kind of grasses that grow there and which ones are native to the area and which ones are not.  Then they began to point out particular insects, and then they pointed out these checkered butterflies that I had not even noticed.  They pointed out the mequite trees and how they grow in bosques, or woodlands, and the cottonwood trees and how they rely on the water of the river.  Then they showed us these birds and the seeds of certain plants. With each step we took a new detail about our surroundings was unveiled, sounds that were previously dormant began to dance around in my ears, images and details I had glanced over became crystal clear and even my nose began to notice a myriad of smells and scents that slowly triggered my curiousity and mind to wander.  This layer of sensory experiences was then followed by a series of details about the cultural history of the people and the animals that had existed and lived in this area before. 

And then out of all of it...reflection kicked in.  The guides were showing us the many ways in which all of those individual elements of nature were so very alive and interconnected, how each insect, each grass piece, each bird, how they all share a relationship with each other, and the ways in which they rely on one another to accomplish their own existence.  One example they mentioned, was regarding the birds, the birds use the San Pedro to migrate from north to south and from south to north (yes! despite the stupid border, birds migrate to and from Mexico too :)!).  That without the water and the monsoons and the rain that maintains the river, the trees would not grow, so the birds would not have the shade, shelter, and food they need to migrate and survive.  

I learned so much in just that moment.  I know that I should know this but I guess knowing can have many layers and levels of comprehension.  And I guess I had not realized it in the way that I realized it in that moment in time.  I realized just then, after 30 years of existence, that our lives are shared.  Our existence is a series of shared environments with so many different creatures, plants, and nature.  We all depend on one another and we all have our own internal knowledge of fixing and defending and displaying and existing and problematizing what is needed and what nature requires of us.  I've always believed that there's a shared energy in the world, but after saturday, I'm convinced that it goes beyond energy, its a shared existence, a shared environment with the world.  And with that we share a responsibility with all these ecosystems.  I learned that whenever a change occurs with one thing it affects intentionally and unintentionally a series of other things.  So of course, given my passion for immigration, I can't help but wonder what great damage, environmentally, the border does to our shared environments.  I wonder what animals can no longer migrate during harsh weather conditions, what they must think when they confront that steel wall.  I wonder how confused they must feel upon that barrier, or if they simply find ways around it.

I could write pages and pages about all the neat factoids and realizations that came about that lovely morning, but my words would pale in comparison to actually experiencing, understanding, and most of all feeling what I felt in that moment.  I was absolutely and positively present.  I was with the trees and the birds and the butterflies, and the noises of the wind against the cottonwood trees, the sounds of the our guides voices, the steps of my husband's footsteps, I was so very present and felt so very alive.

So before I put myself to sleep, I guess I just wanted to write about this experience, it's definitely one I do not want to forget. 

Oh..and it's worth noting that after that walk, (aside from the beauty of the place) I guess I have a series of things I know I'm interested in and I also know why...so much so that I had to pick up a book from the San Pedro House Bookstore...I was so fascinated and intrigued and excited, I wanted to learn more and more.  I'll have to write an update about what I discover...but I'm so excited about the title: Conservation of Shared Environments: Learning from the United States and Mexico.  One reviewer wrote "a comprehensive look at the challenges of conserving the interconnected ecosystems and migratory linkages shared by Mexico and the United States" (I can't wait to read it!)

but for now...in the words of my hubby...sleeeeeepy time...:)