Alright, it's 5:06 am and I have been awake for at least three hours.
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
Showing posts with label self-doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-doubt. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Birth Rights and Birth Rape?
I am officially 17 weeks pregnant and feel so excited and yet so incredibly terrified all at once. I suppose my mind should be focused on the joys of the holiday season, or saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming the new year of 2011. But, it's not. Most of my thoughts are centered around one little person; my unborn 17 week baby.
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Fireworks
I'm not going to lie.
(Decoded: Yes, sometimes I do). I don't mean to lie, but sometimes we all lie, a little, mostly to ourselves, as a way to cope with life and with our own internal conscience. You know, that little voice that keeps us decent...that keeps us from becoming someone we don't want to be...sometimes we just lie.
At any rate, I feel like being truthful with myself today...and the truth is that sometimes life is not so beautiful. Or at least, it's hard to see it for what it is independent of our own interception with it. In fact, there are times when it is difficult to get up and act alive or interact with anyone. It is in these times that I envision myself turning into a rock and just being blown away with the current of a river or something forceful that will take all control and decision making from my reach.
It's so painful to face yourself, who you really are and be content with something less than perfect. But that is what we are afterall, something completely imperfect. So, as I was saying, sometimes life just sucks and things don't feel so wonderful. This is how I felt Sunday. I felt so out of it. I spent most of the day silently complaining to myself about a gazillion things I haven't done or finished, or things that aren't right with my life, and in the midst of my moodiness I ended up getting into an argument with my hubby. I don't know if he was out of it too, but we were both less than willing to meet halfway and move on. We were upset with eachother pretty much all day. All our plans for the day got ruined, and there we were. But by the time the evening came around...things just got a whole lot better.
I've never been a big fourth of july fan. Particularly living in Arizona. A State full of racism and bigotry. With time, one can't help but to become pretty cynical about "patriotism." Anyway, celebrating "The United States of America," isn't exactly one of my priorities.
But as I said, given that we were out of plans, we decided to go for a drive and see if we could find something to eat. We ended up driving up to Warren, where the streets were filled with families, their children, and many lawn chairs. Bright eyes of the young and old were anxiously staring at the skies and excitedly awaiting the fireworks.
It was then, at that moment, that I stepped outside my mind and realized that despite reality, it's still worth it to be like those in the streets of Warren, it's still worth it to keep on waiting for the fireworks...it's part of what makes us human, to hope and to get happy and to celebrate, i don't know how many actually celebrate "America," my theory is that they were celebrating life, and the reason or the meaning was irrelevant...there would be fireworks...and there would be beauty and fun that day...even if for a moment
so we joined the crowds...we got tickets to watch a baseball game that would commence after the fireworks, bought some nachos and a sprite, and we sat in the darkness, on the grass of the baseball field (right field) waiting for the fireworks...
the stars shined above playing in and out with the beatiful colors of fire in the sky, and for an instant-nothing interrupted that moment in time...my heart felt so content...there in the company of my husband, i sat watching and smiling..and not thinking, finally..i felt, once again, at home
i'm not going to lie, sometimes life feels awful...
it most likely is...
but when you least expect it, if you open your eyes, something steps in to remind you, that it will be okay, and that there are always reasons we can make up to celebrate and love life all over again. there will always be a pile of to do's and a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt..but that's perfectly okay too, our struggles are the fireworks of our lives...
i dont know...maybe our problems and their collisions, are just like the ones that shine with magic..and maybe someone or something out there is smiling and laughing and thinking that there is beauty and fun to be found where we don't see it...
(Decoded: Yes, sometimes I do). I don't mean to lie, but sometimes we all lie, a little, mostly to ourselves, as a way to cope with life and with our own internal conscience. You know, that little voice that keeps us decent...that keeps us from becoming someone we don't want to be...sometimes we just lie.
At any rate, I feel like being truthful with myself today...and the truth is that sometimes life is not so beautiful. Or at least, it's hard to see it for what it is independent of our own interception with it. In fact, there are times when it is difficult to get up and act alive or interact with anyone. It is in these times that I envision myself turning into a rock and just being blown away with the current of a river or something forceful that will take all control and decision making from my reach.
It's so painful to face yourself, who you really are and be content with something less than perfect. But that is what we are afterall, something completely imperfect. So, as I was saying, sometimes life just sucks and things don't feel so wonderful. This is how I felt Sunday. I felt so out of it. I spent most of the day silently complaining to myself about a gazillion things I haven't done or finished, or things that aren't right with my life, and in the midst of my moodiness I ended up getting into an argument with my hubby. I don't know if he was out of it too, but we were both less than willing to meet halfway and move on. We were upset with eachother pretty much all day. All our plans for the day got ruined, and there we were. But by the time the evening came around...things just got a whole lot better.
I've never been a big fourth of july fan. Particularly living in Arizona. A State full of racism and bigotry. With time, one can't help but to become pretty cynical about "patriotism." Anyway, celebrating "The United States of America," isn't exactly one of my priorities.
But as I said, given that we were out of plans, we decided to go for a drive and see if we could find something to eat. We ended up driving up to Warren, where the streets were filled with families, their children, and many lawn chairs. Bright eyes of the young and old were anxiously staring at the skies and excitedly awaiting the fireworks.
It was then, at that moment, that I stepped outside my mind and realized that despite reality, it's still worth it to be like those in the streets of Warren, it's still worth it to keep on waiting for the fireworks...it's part of what makes us human, to hope and to get happy and to celebrate, i don't know how many actually celebrate "America," my theory is that they were celebrating life, and the reason or the meaning was irrelevant...there would be fireworks...and there would be beauty and fun that day...even if for a moment
so we joined the crowds...we got tickets to watch a baseball game that would commence after the fireworks, bought some nachos and a sprite, and we sat in the darkness, on the grass of the baseball field (right field) waiting for the fireworks...
the stars shined above playing in and out with the beatiful colors of fire in the sky, and for an instant-nothing interrupted that moment in time...my heart felt so content...there in the company of my husband, i sat watching and smiling..and not thinking, finally..i felt, once again, at home
i'm not going to lie, sometimes life feels awful...
it most likely is...
but when you least expect it, if you open your eyes, something steps in to remind you, that it will be okay, and that there are always reasons we can make up to celebrate and love life all over again. there will always be a pile of to do's and a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt..but that's perfectly okay too, our struggles are the fireworks of our lives...
i dont know...maybe our problems and their collisions, are just like the ones that shine with magic..and maybe someone or something out there is smiling and laughing and thinking that there is beauty and fun to be found where we don't see it...
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