Writing about you

words often exist before ever having been written

it's been almost two years now, and I am just beginning to reconcile the whirlwind experience that mothering becomes, like a tornado being a mother engulfs you, swallows you whole and takes over every aspect of you

your thoughts no longer belong to you

they are no longer a part of you

your words, your language it too escapes you,

all you see is this new person 

their tiny feet and little hands 

their ambitious smile and pondering mind

i longed so long to be your mother my ray emerson

and it's been such an unbelievable ride that i never want to fall out of

the rough nights without sleep, countless runny noses and ear infections, you have awakened in me a fear i never knew was possible

a fear of never wanting anything to ever happen to you, to ever hurt you

and then from the torment and labor of it all is a smile, a laugh, that makes the world just right, that makes everything just perfect 

so much has happened that I wish i could record about you

i feel like already i have failed you in not jotting down every little wonderful thing you ever did, of which there were many, and in making notes about every cute thing you ever said, every wonderful sound you ever made

but the thing with time is that it always moves forward

too late

i guess i always figured that these moment were engrained my brain and somehow i could always go back and remember

but the days continue to go by and you become even more increasingly precious

i realize that this list has grown so long that i must, i need to write it down because my heart can no longer contain all you do to make this world a better place just by being you

also i suppose it was my own inexperience, the novelty of it all coupled with the challenges of being a new parent...i always felt like i was juggling so much that enjoying it seemed sufficient

but now that i think i'm getting the hang of this being a mom thing..i think it's only right that i share/record all that you have done to change my life, for the better

it seems fitting to begin writing, about you again...just now...a few days before our birthdays

you are currently looking more and more like a big boy, about to be 2!

you are now wearing pull-ups

you can tell me when you went potty

you love choo choo trains so very much it's insane

you now tell me to take you to the mall to ride the train

you love minnie mouse, mickey too-- you call him miska but esp. minnie 

my favorite thing to hear you say is "Mommy...?" you say it in a way as to seek reassurance, just for the sake of hearing me say..yes, ray or que, papi?  then you turn around and continue on with whatever you were doing

you love fideo, beans, tortillas, and cumbias

you dance, and its so contagious..that every time i watch you i want to dance myself

when you dont want to do something you let the world know..either by screaming it loudly or saying "no, not yet"

you are now able to chant "si se puede" and you love it!

you also chant "asu" and can recognize the university even from many streets away

you love sparky but still afraid to get too close to him

baseball, you watch with admiration and long to play, this makes your daddy so very happy

you are very athletic, you run so very fast and love to climb on top of everything

i sing to you at nights and you love to hold me before you go to sleep

you also love to read books, particularly the thomas books and that's not my train!

you are now counting and even have begun singing the abc's!

you love un elefante se columpiaba...and tonight you laughed hysterically during our reading of the cat in the hat in spanish, when i read the word "pum!" 

i would pay anything to relive that small instant of wonder and joy that emerged from your glossy and bright beautiful eyes

te quiero mucho mi ray

eres mi mundo entero

i can't wait for your birthday, you are going to be two very very soon, and im so excited for you! you sing happy birthday "arman ray" almost everyday and i know its going to be absolutely super special!

so many words existed before you were ever born, and with your birth the words seemed meaningless, nothing seemed good enough to describe you, it has taken me two years to be able to write about you, i know in my heart these lines will always fall short, they will always lack..but nonetheless im happy to begin to try-- because these moments that I'm living with you...i can't afford to ever forget

The Holidays

Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!

and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's.  Yup, the holidays are here!  Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays.  I don't know what it is exactly.  Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family.  Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.

Not this year. 

Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated.  The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.

Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st.  Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried.  Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas.  The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation.  Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch? 

To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house.  That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys.  Dilemma solved right? Wrong.

Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt. 

I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays?  In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself.  I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...

aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....

sooooooooooo much has happened....part 1

Jeez...I feel like its been forever since I last wrote on here..I know that everyone who starts a blog..has one or two of these type of posts...but seriously...it's been absolutely crazy these last couple of months that I have no idea where to begin...my life has literally been turned upside down..but in incredible & wonderful ways...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...

I'M PREGNANT!

ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...

anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...

simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...

we felt so doomed in every which way possible...

but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!

it feels so magical...

i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...

i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..

i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...

i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.

anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...

still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that  I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)

so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!

we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
    ........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...

Fireworks

I'm not going to lie. 
(Decoded: Yes, sometimes I do).  I don't mean to lie, but sometimes we all lie, a little, mostly to ourselves, as a way to cope with life and with our own internal conscience.  You know, that little voice that keeps us decent...that keeps us from becoming someone we don't want to be...sometimes we just lie.

At any rate, I feel like being truthful with myself today...and the truth is that sometimes life is not so beautiful. Or at least, it's hard to see it for what it is independent of our own interception with it. In fact, there are times when it is difficult to get up and act alive or interact with anyone.  It is in these times that I envision myself turning into a rock and just being blown away with the current of a river or something forceful that will take all control and decision making from my reach.

It's so painful to face yourself, who you really are and be content with something less than perfect.  But that is what we are afterall, something completely imperfect.  So, as I was saying, sometimes life just sucks and things don't feel so wonderful. This is how I felt Sunday.  I felt so out of it. I spent most of the day silently complaining to myself about a gazillion things I haven't done or finished, or things that aren't right with my life, and in the midst of my moodiness I ended up getting into an argument with my hubby.  I don't know if he was out of it too, but we were both less than willing to meet halfway and move on.  We were upset with eachother pretty much all day.  All our plans for the day got ruined, and there we were.  But by the time the evening came around...things just got a whole lot better.

I've never been a big fourth of july fan.  Particularly living in Arizona.  A State full of racism and bigotry.  With time, one can't help but to become pretty cynical about "patriotism." Anyway, celebrating "The United States of America," isn't exactly one of my priorities. 

But as I said, given that we were out of plans, we decided to go for a drive and see if we could find something to eat.  We ended up driving up to Warren, where the streets were filled with families, their children, and many lawn chairs.  Bright eyes of the young and old were anxiously staring at the skies and excitedly awaiting the fireworks. 

It was then, at that moment, that I stepped outside my mind and realized that despite reality, it's still worth it to be like those in the streets of Warren, it's still worth it to keep on waiting for the fireworks...it's part of what makes us human, to hope and to get happy and to celebrate, i don't know how many actually celebrate "America," my theory is that they were celebrating life, and the reason or the meaning was irrelevant...there would be fireworks...and there would be beauty and fun that day...even if for a moment

so we joined the crowds...we got tickets to watch a baseball game that would commence after the fireworks, bought some nachos and a sprite, and we sat in the darkness, on the grass of the baseball field (right field) waiting for the fireworks...

the stars shined above playing in and out with the beatiful colors of fire in the sky, and for an instant-nothing interrupted that moment in time...my heart felt so content...there in the company of my husband, i sat watching and smiling..and not thinking, finally..i felt, once again, at home

i'm not going to lie, sometimes life feels awful...
it most likely is...
but when you least expect it, if you open your eyes, something steps in to remind you, that it will be okay, and that there are always reasons we can make up to celebrate and love life all over again.  there will always be a pile of to do's and a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt..but that's perfectly okay too, our struggles are the fireworks of our lives...

i dont know...maybe our problems and their collisions, are just like the ones that shine with magic..and maybe someone or something out there is smiling and laughing and thinking that there is beauty and fun to be found where we don't see it...

Financial Planner

So, we just got back from meeting with a financial planner, Ray and I.  Let me just tell you.  Frustrated is an understatement.

Let me back up. Ray is required as part of his bar license requirements to have his finances in shape.  It makes sense, you wouldn't want your attorney to be someone irresponsible right? So, in order to prevent this from happening, the state requires that attorneys have their finances in good standing.

Needless to say, coming from a background of low economic means, this is a task that is very difficult for students of color.  Anyhow, both him and I have spent a lot of time in school and well using up our government's generous student loans, which are now as he has graduated and me coming close to it, coming back to hunt us. 

At any rate, we had to to go meet with a financial planner/ advisor to go over our finances, budget, debt, etc. and help us out with this endeavor.  So we were blatantly honest with her, because, well frankly, both Ray and I are pretty tired of living check to check and also since we intend to try to have a baby again, well its kind of important for us to get it together. 

So there we were.  It was kind of romantic actually.  Ray and I, talking about our future.  But then out of no where things took a strange turn for us.  I was expecting to get some slack over how much we spend on direct tv, cell phones, etc. but the last thing I imagined was having the benefit of my education to be questioned.

I currently don't have a job.  but like many women, i do work, although it's not socially recognized.  I am pursuing my phd at ASU (I'm in the comps and soon dissertation stage).  So other than my student hat, I pretty much spend the rest of my time either taking care of our home, cleaning, cooking, and or volunteering at the migrant center in Naco.  I feel like I do a lot, but I enjoy it.  Most of my previous "jobs" were in the public sector, working at nonprofits or labor unions.  But when I met Ray, he really encouraged me to start focusing on school and finish my degree.  (I am so grateful for that opportunity)

But anyway, sitting there in that room with her, a room full of beautiful paintings, exposed brick walls, stylish shiny wood floors, I felt so mediocre and alone.  Particularly, when the financial planner turned to me and said, "well if you plan to have a baby, perhaps you need to just quit school now so you can start building a cash reserve."  And me, well I was schocked.  But the agony continued.

She continued to tell us that we had no means for having a baby right now, but she understood that emotional needs were just as important as financial ones, so in that case I should consider quitting school since I intend on being a mother, and if I want to be a stay at home mom, well my degree would have no financial value to us.

Now, I dont know yet what I want to do.  Be a stay at home mom or a career woman with a phd.  Both of these endeavors have proved so difficult already, that I'm still trying to get to the part of being able to visualize my graduation date and/or actually carrying a baby to term.  Arghh! It's difficult! 

The thing is, I never decided to go to school because of money.  I dreamt of going to school because I love to learn.  There is no alternate agenda for my desire to earn a degree.  I'm not trying to climb any latters or have it be a stepping stone to something greater.  An education is something that I find to have value in and of itself, irregardless of any financial benefit to my life.  And yes, on top of that goal/dream, I am dying to be a mother. 

While I was pregnant I got to experience how wonderful it feels to expect a baby.  To long so much for your little angel to arrive.  I'm still waiting for that day to come. 

Until then, I find it almost annoying to even fathom what I want to do after that happens.  (It's like yelling omaha too early).  I know I want to be there for my child, to be at home to help with their homework, tell him/her about the unjust world around them, and well just play with him/her, go to the park, make them a birthday cake...

So I guess if I had to pick right now, I would say I want to be a stay at home mom with a phd.  In the future, I might change my mind.  I know that doesn't fit into a perfect mold or a perfectly packaged box with a label that people can understand, certainly not the financial planner.  But, not everything has to make sense, it can just be what it is. another contradiction. and that's perfectly okay with me.
and with Ray (who loves me).

According to Ray, we will live our lives how we choose. Even if it means we live in a shack.  And that's perfectly okay with me (who loves him).

I never wanted to be married or have children.  but with ray, it's different, I want it all.  And, I think I'm pretty lucky to have a supportive husband, and I of course, support him all the way.  no matter what he wants to do.  I never want us to be people that do things they don't enjoy doing.  we have that agreement between us.

So yeah, it can be romantic to plan the future, responsible even, but sometimes, it's just nicer to live in the now.  afterall, isn't that the only thing we can really ever own? the now?

I think so.