Waiting For You

Ever since I lost my baby, my Rudy, It's been rare the days that I don't think of or dream of him/her. I often wonder what he/she would look like.  And then I cry or hurt some more.  I'm convinced it was a boy. 
I don't know why..I just always say he..when i think of him...but maybe that's just my own bias living in such a sexist society.  I guess I'm prone to think of my baby as a male.  In any case, I miss him/her, I really do. 

And with all the excitement over the last couple of months..I'm finally beginning to want to try again.  And so we have.  I keep thinking that this next time things will be different.  That I won't miscarry my little creation.  God how I hate that term...miscarry...it so sounds like it was my fault..damn it..i would do anything to carry the next one the right way..if  i only knew what that way was...i thought I was doing it all the last time..and I failed.

But this time, I know I have an edge...I have my little angel watching over the new baby to come...I know he will help me carry him right...

So yeah, we are trying again.  I'm praying and hoping that we are successful and I actually conceive. And secondly, and most importantly that I don't miscarry.

I'm praying so much for a happy ending to this journey. god help me.

It's so painful for me to write about this, but I think I need to just let it out. With our first baby, I wanted to keep it a secret until I knew he was safe and boy did that blow up in my face, because all I want to do now is honor its existence, to say and yell...that he was here with us...and though i miscarried..it wasn't my fault..and i love my Rudy..and I will love the next baby..with so much love...and i won't hide it or be afraid..because fear is for cowards, and i have courage..and i have Rudy with me..and the next time..if i fail..i'll handle it..and i'll have not one angel watching over me..but two..and there's nothing wrong with that...because i rather be a fool with faith than a coward with fear...and so here are my thoughts...uncensored...and stupid..but mine all the same...

Here's something for my baby to be...

Dear Baby,

I hate this world.

I'm sorry I want so badly to bring you into it...but I promise I will bend over backwards to try to make your world something beautiful..something better than what I ever had

I know you don't exist yet..but the good news is that Rudy will take care of you once you do..

I know it. Rudy is with me each and every day..and his existence has brought me strength and perseverance i did not have before...

I want you to know that I'm waiting for you with so much anticipation and excitement...and love..lots and lots of love...

love that is coming from me, from your dad, and most importantly from your baby brother that though not alive lives more than ever inside my heart and soon yours...

te quiero..

your mom

Weeks

Week 7:

Something has changed

I can’t describe it

I just feel different

I know something is wrong

Week 9:

I’m screaming

I’m crying

Why is this happening to me

I’m angry

I’m so not alive

Week 10:

I cannot deny this void

This void of emptyness that has been carved inside my heart

That every morning when I wake,

My chest hurts to know that I will never hold you in my arms

I struggle.

I struggle to face the cold reality

that you are gone.

That I will never hold your little fingers

perhaps you never had any?

I may never be able to touch your skin,

or see those eyes that never formed?

That every night I stayed up worrying

Occurred

And yet in vain

Slowly…

Slowly my stomach has lost its volume

And yet you still lie inside me

But Dead.

Yes perhaps I’m crazy

Life in America is defined upon entering the great big world of oxygen, pain, and injustice

But this wasn’t a mistake

An unplanned occurance

An unexpected miracle

A mishap

I was counting on you living

I intended you to be

And yet life has shown me otherwise

You can’t plan life; It happens

Week 10: the blood from my veins continues to be drawn

HCG, slowly gone

Week 11: New nurse

“How you doing today?” “Looks like someone is having a baby!”

But I can’t hear or maybe I just don’t want to

I shrug my head and begin to explain

“No, I’m having a miscarriage

The baby is still inside me

But there’s no heart beat”

My heart also stops beating at the sound of my own words

Week 12: you are supposed to be an inch an a half long

I want to unsubscribe from the babycenter

You know that site

That site I so excitedly signed up for

Which sent me weekly updates about your growth

Weekly updates

The weeks continue to go by

My breasts have disinflated like day old balloons after a party

The weeks continue to go by

I know I will never forget you

September was your due date

The weeks continue to go by

Week 17: your fragile body finally exits me

The excrutiating pain

And yet no more tears

Blood rushing down my legs

I don’t want to look at him

my husband, the man whose hurting too

I feel ashamed

I don’t want to see him cry

His strong arms hold me and tell me it will be okay

I know he is hurting too

I know he is hurting too

The weeks go by

You are now in my freezer

I can’t flush you away

The only thing I wish to flush away is the weeks that took you from me

It’s over

The weeks are over

And yet continue to go by

I worried about what kind of crib you would have

What colors I would paint the walls of your room

Little did I know that the toughest choice I would make would be what kind of plant you would die in

Good bye my love

Goodbye my baby

The weeks will continue to go by

But my love for you

Will live forever.