Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Monday, April 25, 2016
midnight rant
days like today
loud noises live in silence amidst the exterior busyness of the day
people's desires and expectations
they suffocate me
like a snake they wrap themselves around my neck
as i gasp to breathe i'm reminded yet again how I'm not enough
how we are not eternal
i can't help it
i have come to realize that i am but this person
inappropriate and untimely
i fall short
and yet again
I'm tired god, please
please save me from this skin and its expiration
help me navigate this darkness que me atormenta
rescue me from the past I'm now creating
i may not know how tomorrow ends but i know these are my most beautiful memories
the routine of the ordinary happenings
these are the things you long and miss one day
i wish so badly to return to those instances of simplicity
where nothing mattered more than togetherness, and family
-----------------
i lived in a house full of arguments and disputes
we had nothing better to do with our time i guess
we enjoyed the challenging nature of the next debate
i remember fondly sitting around the house, the couch or the dinner table
debating whatever came to mind
race, politics, technology, music, gender
we had no place to go
no one to visit
we didn't follow sports or anything popular
at most jerry springer and montel williams played in the background
cristina while my mom was cooking rice
claudia and us
we just sat around yelling, disputing, making sense of the world
what from afar may have seemed like a loud fight
for us it was much more intimate and innocent..the way young boys wrestle or compete
we found pleasure in our arguments
in discovering language and its power to convince, to frame, to stylize and empower a position
i enjoyed it, perhaps too much at that
but it was what we did
mexican people are many at times perceived as submissive and timid
the image of the probervial brown man under a cactus comes to mind
but they're wrong about us
our family was loud
is loud
our voices stood strong and as a kid you learned quickly to be opinionated or enable others opinions to shape and define you
i miss those days
the problem i've faced throughout my life, is that these lessons, these linguistic exercises would later on get me into trouble
most do not like confrontation or dispute
people find it uncomfortable
and so i've made a few people uncomfortable throughout my life
and while i have my regrets i realize now that its something in me
something that perhaps cannot be changed
i say what i think
the truth offends e incomoda
but what's my alternative?
to rest comfortably in politeness?
i don't make love to arbitrary words, its just not in me
i rather die
i don't want to live symbolically
i aint no fucken placeholder
i exist in this every edge of me which is rough and uneven and imperfect
and I'm ok with that
I'm sorry god for seeming insensitive
I'm sorry momma
i do care
i do long to be a good person
i owe that to you momma
i know biting my tongue would make you proud of me
and god knows i'll do anything for my momma
but
you also taught me to be proud
and i can't help it if i am, and very
esp of you
of being your daughter
of being your enojona
peleonera
fea
me siento podrida y agridulce
pero soy fuerte mamita
fuerte like you
life ain't easy
it's shitty right now
i can always tell you anything and everything and today i can't
i can't run to you like i always do
i can't cry to you
i don't want you to know how much it hurts me to know you are going through this
i wish i could take your place
but i have kids too and I'm happy they are safe and that I'm here to care for them the way you cared for me and still today, you are teaching me this
you are teaching me how to live and how to love without conditions, how to care
i learned as a young child how to fight and to swim in whatever current we encountered, i learned that from watching you and my dad struggle and fight con las unas for our future
and here we are again, life has never been perfect, but you always made it worthwhile
it's still worthwhile and while i may have my moments
i want nothing more than to live and to see you live many more years yelling at me and telling me how i've got it all wrong
i want your voice in my head screaming loudly and telling me to think with my head and not my heart
make no mistake, I'm swimming
i hope and pray planning life for tomorrow could be easier
but my heart is in a coma
it sits still
i can't breathe thinking about tomorrow
what came before today was lovely and I'm enjoying the now just as much,
you exist in these spaces of time and that's good enough for me
tomorrow i don't know
what may come will come
and i just can't envision more than that
I'm broken
fuck you cancer
Thursday, April 21, 2016
the problem with cancer
it's been a bit over a month that we found out.
Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM
The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.
They found out a couple months earlier. On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday. It was confirmed that she would begin treatment. I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions. The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other. I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered. It hurts. It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling. I'm not well.
It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.
that's the problem
Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know. Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news. I have nightmares. I feel this urge to tell everyone. I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore. I'm angry. I hate everyone and everything. I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life. Even the sound of laughter bothers me. All problems pale in comparison. I don't want to care about anyone but her. She made me, she's fire.
Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why. It was all so mysterious. We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.
5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me. I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background. I began to cry as I anticipated the worse. And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?
8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays. I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no. She never says no. It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.
9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do. I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything. She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.
I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do. 'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her. That's the thing, she's always been there for me. For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed. She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart. She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things. I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism. And yet, as a child I never appreciated her. I took her for granted so many times. I hated that she felt so overbearing. That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right. As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.
She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.
8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"
my heart dropped
through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry. That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid. That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry. As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied. I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried. that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad. That I knew she would be okay. The last part I meant and still mean.
I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am. I'm so afraid. I'm more than sad, I'm broken. Cancer breaks shit up.
that's my background noise.
AND YET cancer also unites. it's a wake up call as my mom says. it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships
there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast
we are all afraid
but,
all we can do is
Let it Be
and put it on faith,
put it on faith
god willing this nightmare will soon be over
Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM
The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.
They found out a couple months earlier. On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday. It was confirmed that she would begin treatment. I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions. The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other. I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered. It hurts. It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling. I'm not well.
It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.
that's the problem
Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know. Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news. I have nightmares. I feel this urge to tell everyone. I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore. I'm angry. I hate everyone and everything. I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life. Even the sound of laughter bothers me. All problems pale in comparison. I don't want to care about anyone but her. She made me, she's fire.
Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why. It was all so mysterious. We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.
5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me. I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background. I began to cry as I anticipated the worse. And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?
8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays. I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no. She never says no. It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.
9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do. I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything. She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.
I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do. 'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her. That's the thing, she's always been there for me. For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed. She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart. She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things. I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism. And yet, as a child I never appreciated her. I took her for granted so many times. I hated that she felt so overbearing. That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right. As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.
She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.
8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"
my heart dropped
through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry. That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid. That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry. As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied. I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried. that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad. That I knew she would be okay. The last part I meant and still mean.
I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am. I'm so afraid. I'm more than sad, I'm broken. Cancer breaks shit up.
that's my background noise.
AND YET cancer also unites. it's a wake up call as my mom says. it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships
there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast
we are all afraid
but,
all we can do is
Let it Be
and put it on faith,
put it on faith
god willing this nightmare will soon be over
Monday, February 28, 2011
insomnia
Alright, it's 5:06 am and I have been awake for at least three hours.
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
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