the problem with cancer

it's been a bit over a month that we found out.

Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM

The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.

They found out a couple months earlier.  On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday.  It was confirmed that she would begin treatment.  I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions.  The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other.  I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling.  I'm not well.

It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.

that's the problem

Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know.  Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news.  I have nightmares.  I feel this urge to tell everyone.  I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore.  I'm angry.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life.  Even the sound of laughter bothers me.  All problems pale in comparison.  I don't want to care about anyone but her.  She made me, she's fire.

Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why.  It was all so mysterious.  We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.

5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me.  I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background.  I began to cry as I anticipated the worse.  And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?

8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays.  I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no.  She never says no.  It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.

9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do.  I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything.  She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.

I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do.  'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her.  That's the thing, she's always been there for me.  For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed.  She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart.  She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things.  I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism.  And yet, as a child I never appreciated her.  I took her for granted so many times.  I hated that she felt so overbearing.  That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right.  As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.

She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.

8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"

my heart dropped

through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry.  That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid.  That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry.  As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied.  I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried.  that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad.  That I knew she would be okay.  The last part I meant and still mean.

I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am.  I'm so afraid.  I'm more than sad, I'm broken.  Cancer breaks shit up.

that's my background noise.

AND YET cancer also unites.  it's a wake up call as my mom says.  it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships

there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast

we are all afraid

but,

       all we can do is

                                  Let it Be

and put it on faith,

put it on faith

god willing this nightmare will soon be over

On Race and Gender in this Election

On Gender and Race in this Election

By Angeles J. Maldonado, PhD in Education, Leadership, and Policy Studies from Arizona State University

If Bernie wins, great news.  It will signify a win for progressives.  However, if Hillary wins I will be particularly happy and genuinely optimistic.  As a mother and a woman, it's clearly time to see a woman be president.  Yet voicing this very thought around the sea of self-proclaimed progressives can mean exposing ourselves to shame and even ridicule.  On social media, it would be nice to see more posts indicating why Bernie is the best candidate as opposed to post after post about why Hillary is not.  There is so much unspoken and loud sexism around this election.  So much so, that it has became increasingly difficult to bear witness to the vast amount of abuse that Hillary continues to face, especially from Bernie supporters.

I have seen more posts from Bernie fans bashing Hillary than I have seen posts bashing Trump, and even less bashing Cruz or any other Republican candidate.  Recently, I have become particularly annoyed at the posts praising Bernie's wife, brings me back to women studies 101.  It seems to me that we are more comfortable embracing a woman as First Lady than the threat of a woman President.  But gender doesn't matter here, it's all about the issues we tell ourselves. I don't buy it.  

Gender like Race DO matter.  It's appalling how we can't even recognize what a huge deal it is to see a woman fight her way to the top, Hillary has managed to do that, but we don't care to contextualize her actions, we don't see her as courageous or strong or fierce we see her as a bitch because she did this and that and this.  I think if we want to find a reason not to like her we will find plenty, but what's sad is that an unconscious reason why she's not good enough, for many, has to do with her gender.  

Politics is a dirty game and to me everyone out there is dirty in some way, they are all performing trying to say the right thing to get elected, none of these people really care about us.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't care but I think we need to keep in mind that whoever wins will not resolve our lives, it's up to our community to pressure all candidates to care enough to bring our issues to the forefront.  

I believe the trump enthusiasm is but a reaction and revenge to Obama's historic win as the first Black President.  White supremacy is fighting back.  In the same way dismantling patriarchy continues to remain secondary, because we have more important issues to confront and gender equality alone is unimportant and laughable, it's a past issue.  

As a mother, gender equality matters to me. Hillary winning is a symbolic and necessary win for women, for moms, working moms, stay at home moms, women who spread themselves thin to accomplish their goals despite the many challenges setup expecting them to fail. I want my sons to grow up respecting and seeing women as equals not as secondary beings whose sole job is to serve and attend to the needs of men. 

As a college student I most likely would have voted for Bernie, he says all the right things.  But at this point in my life I want someone who embodies change not just proclaims it.  It's never been easy to be a woman and this election continues to prove exactly why.   The attacks out there against women are not just embarrassing but shameful.  

So while Obama has a horrible track record of deportations and other issues, I'm nonetheless glad he became President because he brought change even if only symbolic, which is many times more important than we care to recognize.  Leadership is always symbolic.  Which is why I long to see more people of color and women and LGBTQ people in positions of power, because we need people that look like us as role models, as symbols and placeholders that illustrate hope that things are changing.  

Given all of this, I continue to be amazed at how crazy people are getting to support yet another white man to power.  I understand the fact that he appears to be the most progressive of candidates, and therefore am sincerely glad his support is increasing, but what I fail to understand is why it’s necessary to be so nasty towards Hillary.  If you are so progressive, then shouldn't for that very reason “self-proclaimed” liberals ought to restrain yourselves from such sexist and aggressive attacks? Focus on why your candidate is the best "man" for the job, and that is precisely where the issue lies.

Dr. Maldonado is a mother and activist scholar whose research focuses on Immigration, Border Crit Theory, and Discourse within the immigrant rights movement in her home state of Arizona.

Writing

It's 935 pm and I feel this intense desire to write, I don't know about what, but it feels so strange to me to recognize that it has been quite some time since I have written.  Sure, there's the occasional facebook posts and status updates, but they are usually superficial and lacking.  One of my favorite things about writing is that it makes me feel relieved, as if in emptying out the words that sit in me that I feel just a bit lighter, perhaps vulnerable that I have allowed my thoughts to escape me, but at the same time a deep sense of relief that they are no longer in me to entertain and organize.  All in all, writing is something that I love to do.  Ever since I was young, I remember journaling what I had for lunch at school, or what had happened in my classroom.  Thus, it seems so bizarre to now abandon a practice that always makes me happy. I have not written in a blog or journal for a very long time and am beginning to feel disconnected from my self.  There's so much to make sense of.  I don't want to say that I'm going to begin to blog again because I'm afraid of not following through and failing...much of my life right now seems unpredictable.  I am now the mother of two children.  My beautiful Stokely Daniel was born on February 20, 2015. Stokely is now four months old and while we have established some routine and accomplished quite a lot, it is nonetheless a journey of ups and downs colored by unpredictability.  Anyway, I guess I enjoy writing because I love the idea of being able to record one's mind, so that my future self can read me and try to understand me.  So here we go.  First some updates:

Having a second child has made me so very happy and at the same time has challenged me in ways I never expected.  Through my children, I am learning the meaning of patience and sacrifice, most importantly what it means to commit.

My children are my life.

They drive me crazy.

crazy.

and yet at the end of the night when they are sleeping, I feel so blessed to have them.  I would not change one bit of my chaotic days.

Stokely and I have been successfully breastfeeding for four months now.  I am so proud of me.  Breastfeeding is such a challenging endeavor, it requires so much of oneself and yet it provides such an intimate connection to your child.  I am so grateful that I was able to establish this.  My present challenge is language.  I am trying my hardest to speak to him only en espanol.  I want him to learn spanish so badly.  I am also trying to teach Ray Emerson, but it is honestly so difficult.  I feel like I am battling the world just to provide my son a bit of his culture.  His environment is so vastly predominated with English words that it many times feels like an impossibility to teach him a language that is not valued enough, particularly here in Arizona. I am currently working part time at the law office and at the same time trying to figure out how and whether to go to law school.  I have to retake the LSAT but life is so busy for me already that at times I wonder if this is even a good idea to entertain.  It's something I have always wanted to do, but at the same time my priority right now are my children.  There's so much I want them to learn and most days I feel like I fall short of being a good mother.  but I continue to try and I guess in parenting that's the most important thing is our effort to strive to be good parents.  I have started to do yoga to help me destress and I absolutely love it.  It is a practice sort of like writing, I feel that it challenges me, and it silences my mind and soul and just allows me to feel alive.  The focus is always on the breath and the pose and the present....something i really want to strive to appreciate more and more...being in the present.  we live so much of our lives in the past or in the planning for tomorrow that we often miss the opportunities to really live today.  There's so much to do in this beautiful world, I wish I could do so much, but the days are always so short.  

Still I think it is important to have goals.  My goals right now are as follows:

1) Teach Stokely and Ray Emerson Espanol
2) Make fitness a priority in my life
3) Be present
4) Continue fighting for things that matter

more later....good night

Executive Action and "Being Happy with What we Got"

I came home last night so exhausted and with not much energy to even look at my phone and read up on any facebook updates.  It has been such an emotion filled couple of days that I am still processing what I feel.

Our community has been fighting for so long for some sort of relief and now we have it, that it is still difficult to have a reaction.  This is undeniably such a HUGE victory, but yet so many people have been left out of the celebration.  I’ve read posts this morning saying that we “should be happy with what we get” that we should be grateful to Obama for “giving us something.”  These words alone “what we are getting” remind me that this is not something we are getting from ANYONE. 

This is something our community has achieved, a huge milestone given the context in which our families live on the day to day.  We have exposed the ugliness and complex nature of immigration.  We have exposed the racism that still penetrates, breathes, and lives in the fabric of our society.  We have brought to light the injustices for people of color in Arizona and nationwide.  We have RESISTED and learned to resist from the people who live the reality of living in the label of illegality on a daily basis, despite an entire system designed to oppress them and keep them in a status of illegitimacy and trauma.  We have witnessed our families resist this very system that targets and harasses and hurts and kills through the construction of shifting borders that exclude and divide.   

We have resisted and learned to resist from the leadership of organizations who through various tactics have moved the movement for human rights forward.  We have resisted and learned to resist from our youth, from students and dreamers who questioned the status quo, who risked arrest, and continue to experiment with ways to demand more from this process that continues to deny our families the human rights we continue to exercise and know we have.  This is a HUGE victory for ourselves, we have exposed this problem and forced the United States to recognize its need to address the mess they know they have but a mess that our community has loudly and passionately been screaming is NOT okay and it is something we are TAKING NO MORE OF. 

While the administration thinks this is enough, we all know in our hearts that it’s not.  But should we be happy, YES! We have came this far in pushing for the recognition of our human rights and while this is not the answer nor the cure for this sick society that profits and sustains itself from the exploitation of people of color, it is a step in the right direction, a step to reenergize our movement and continue fighting till brown and illegal cease to be synonymous, to continue fighting till the stigma of criminality is shifted away from the sweat of immigrant workers, till every single mother no longer has to worry about abandoning their children when and if they are kidnapped by our government through detention and deportation, till every student is able to focus on living his or her dreams and their education instead of on trying to protect the status of their families, till we are finished teaching fear to our children by having to have conversations about la migra, till speaking Espanol is something we value rather than denigrate, till ethnic studies is recognized as a necessary component of our history and education, the fight will continue till  these and so many other important issues are resolved in our community, the fight continues. 

We know from Ferguson and various other communities that despite their legality, being a person of color continues to be a problem in the United States, we have scratched the surface of a much deeply rooted historical element of America’s tradition.  But in this tradition, the struggle continues and I know our community is far from done, we will continue moving forward.

Miguel Maldonado Vallejo

This year has been filled with so many highs and lows, one of the lowest was flying to Mexico to see my grandfather die.  I never did see him pass, I was there and while family gathered around him, and filled the room with love for him, he fed off our energy and in many ways, came back to life

it was

indescribable.

and yet i want to try to recall it because i know this moment changed me.  i never witnessed such strength, such love for family, as when i stood nearby watching his beautiful eyes hold me

the days, so many of them, have passed
and in moments I have forgotten about him,
and then I have days like these,
days in which I feel weak and scared or hurt and his image comes to my mind
he holds me once again,
and i feel loved
I feel lucky
I feel blessed that I had a chance to tell him, that I love him, and that I treasure him.
We spent the time that we had, loving him, listening, laughing at his jokes, trying to give to him what we couldn't give so many days that we did have
so many missed opportunities
that's what life is
we embrace one thing and lose another
I had to travel back "home," before he finally said his goodbyes
I had a job
a family of my own
a son
a life away from Mexico
away from the place that I most love, perhaps because it exist so far away from me now
because I can't live in it anymore
or so I tell myself

anyway these are just words
but i want to record it in my memory that i miss this old man
my grandpa
my papa miguel
my vallejo
the reason i proudly call myself maldonado

te extrano, hoy, y siempre

muchas veces no te entendi,
pero ahora eso es lo de menos

we learn that when it is too late

Professor?

So much has happened since I last checked in here.  For one, my goal of graduating finally came to fruition! I have officially finished my phd program in Educational Leadership & Policy Studies and can now put the letters "D" and "r" next to my name.  I still can't believe it.  I remember how far away this goal always seemed.  How unrealistic and impossible it appeared to be at one point, and now here I am, 'finished!'

Surprisingly, I feel a bit melancholic about the whole thing.  Knowing that I won't be attending campus anymore as a student.  Knowing that when I introduce myself I can no longer say I'm a student.  I suppose that I've existed in this identity for so long that it seems so incredibly strange to now instantly separate myself from it and know that there is nothing else left to do, I finished my journey, I thought.

For a long time, I just prayed for the strength and perseverance to make it to the finish line, I never once spent too much energy on what would happen post graduation, I never made any plans about what would be next or about employment.  I suppose this is a privilege I've had.  But also, I have felt that I just wanted to graduate for the sake of getting my diploma, of making my parents and my husband proud, with the aspiration of somehow continuing my life as it had existed before.  I didn't want to do what everyone else was doing, searching for jobs, having to move out of Arizona, etc.  Subsequently, I never worried too much about not having any teaching experience.  I figured life would work itself out.  I've always been strange that way, not much of a plan ahead type of person, mostly I enjoy doing the things I'm passionate about and not much else.

Luckily, things have gone exactly the way most of my life has gone.  They've just happened.  I've been blessed with the opportunity to teach as an associate faculty at ASU.  I was so excited about it and then suddenly felt the same weird empty feeling in my belly, nerves, and anxiety when I realized I was going to do this.  I was going to teach.  

Rrrrrrrrrewind............Suddenly, I wanted to hit the rewind button and return to the days when I would grab a coffee at the nearest shop and slowly make my way into a classroom, as a student.  I started missing the idea of having to read and write papers, having a notepad and pen in hand ready, and be the listener, the observer, the learner, the one that was going to 'gain' something from the experience of taking a class.  But now, it was different.  I now have to be the talker, the one there to offer something of value to what in my mind appeared to be a sea of students.  and though in reality there were only 20, my brain reacted as if there were 200.  i was so frightened.  and then my husband interjected--u just have to get thru it, it's going to be okay.  And it was.  It has been.

Still it has been such an adventure and challenge, I realize now that I'm the one that is getting so much out of this experience.  I realize now that my journey is far from over.  I guess in the end, I'm still a student.  I still get to observe, to listen, to learn.  I guess not much has changed, only difference is that I have to work harder it seems.  I can't afford to be late, or to skip reading, It's so weird, but somehow beginning to realize that the moment when I was little that I once imagined, that one portrait of a woman wearing knee high boots and a black coat (the image of what a grown up version of me would look like) is finally here.  I've grown up.  I'm a mom, I work, and now I'm even older, I see the light and energy of my students, and in strange way I get to relive my days in college, I get to experience vicariously the experience of learning and in the midst of this realization...i feel blessed.   I have grown up into what I wanted to be--minus the knee high boots.

Toddlers and the Terrible World of Ear Infections

Toddlers and Ear Infections

So after rounds and rounds of antibiotics for ear infections for my two year old, I received great advice from my professor Dr. Beth Blue Swadener to go see a naturopathic doctor... and they are so amazing! they gave me some wonderful herbal formulas, probiotics, diet suggestions (no more dairy and gluten for a couple of months), and suggested the following two remedies (links attached)...plus a wet sock treatment for colds...AND i highly recommend the onion earmuffs and the socks! it seriously is working! ALETRIS is the center i went to! (there are many great naturopathic pediatricians in AZ, I selected them based on soonest appt available (as i was desperate and dealing with a crying and in pain fussy two year old) but also because they had wonderful reviews! I also read great things about AZ Natural Health Center, Dr. Ham is supposed to be wonderful and Dr. Matthew Baral www.drmatthewbaral.com has a great website and reviews.  Dr. Baral is a bit more pricey and harder to get an appointment with as he also teaches in the center and does a lot of public speaking it appears, but my experience thus far was so refreshing.  Having been so used to going into Doctors offices and having them not even look at you, prescribe you medication, expect you to have absolutely no questions, and then brush you off as if you were an imbecile if you are worried about the effects of excessive medications...it was so nice to talk to a person for almost 45 minutes about everything that is going on in my child's life and then having them design a treatment plan, give you guidance on what to do next...it's called integrative medicine.  When I was super obsessed with labor I recall looking up naturopathic doctors and thinking that that is exactly the kind of doctors I needed to have my child see, but soon let go of the idea when our insurance didn't cover them.  Now that we are self-employed with no insurance, we have the one small bonus of choosing where to go.  The great thing is that they still provide you with insurance codes so you can get reimbursed for seeing an out of network provider.  They are reasonably priced given that they give you remedies, formulas and recommendations you can apply immediately and it feels great to know you are treating the source of the problem rather than masking it through medication.

#happymom


Onion Ear Muffs

1. Cut 1 inch to 2 inch strip of onion.
2. Heat up in oven until warm
3. use oven mitts/glove to pick up onion
4. insert in a sock 
5. hold near ears (about 1-2 inches from ear to avoid burning)
6. Keep here for about 10-15 minutes (i.e. as long as child will allow)

Wet Sock Treatment

What is it? It's an immune system stimulant.  It causes the body to increase the circulation to the lower body in order to warm and dry the socks.  It acts reflexively to decrease congestion in the upper respiratory passages, head, and throat.  May also aid sleep and increase the healing response to acute infections.  Good for chest colds, earaches, migraines, nasal congestion, and many other conditions.

1. gather 1 pair of thin socks and a pair of warm pajamas
2. 1 pair of wool or thick socks (i used two athletic socks)
3. place thin socks in cold/ice water and ring out excess water
4. just before bed, put on wet socks on warm and dry feet
5. immediately place the warm socks on top of the wet socks
6. go to bed with the socks over night remove socks in the morning when completely dry
7. complete for at least 3 nights in a row

Note: do it with your child and tell them its a science experiment or distract while you do it..ray emerson was very hesitant but i distracted him with a video...most likely child will cry with the cold sock..but the warm socks immediately placed after will take the cold away...:)

Garlic Oil

1. Place a couple of cloves of garlic in some olive oil
2. warm the oil
3. place 1-3 drops in each affected ear 
4. OR buy garlic oil drops at a local health food store most stores have them :)
5. Repeat every 2-3 hours

My Birth Story

Well it's been a little over 11 months since I last posted on here..the truth is that I've been dying to write but every time I got started something kept me from writing

I suppose I dreaded the idea of talking about labor...it was so much to deal with that I just wanted to move on and focus on the outcome, which was my beautiful son; Ray Emerson

...I suppose that it took me a while to process the revolution that occurs when you have your first baby, and even more so to process what occurred during labor...

but my mind works in a certain way, and I know that I will never write in this blog again if I don't first address, i.e. record my birth/ labor story...

so here it is....

The great news is that I delivered a healthy baby boy a day before my birthday, exactly on my due date, on June 3rd! it was the happiest moment of my life!

the strange news is that my birthing experience was beautiful, crazy, horrible, traumatic, and extremely painful! but it was all worth it!! and I wouldn't have changed a thing. not one.

It all began very nicely, I went into labor on June 2nd around 10 am, my water broke and I began having contractions, I called Ray and he immediately rushed home...he was truly wonderful the entire time ;)...when Ray got home, we called the birth center and were told to come in to verify that my water had broke, we were told everything was fine and that we could go home, we stopped at trader joes and ray got off and got us some food, when he got in the car i told him that i didnt feel well and so he drove us back home where we could be comfortable, things began to speed up fairly quickly...and i was unable to eat a bite because the pain became intolerable...we labored at home till contractions were fairly close together and lasting about a minute each...we freaked out and decided to go back to the birth center to set up, we arrived there a few minutes before 5 pm, when we got there one of the nurses was kind of rude and told us that we should go home and labor there until we were in active labor, when we explained that we were in active labor..she gave us a strange grin as if she didn't believe us....but allowed us to stay once she realized the proximity and length of my contractions...till this point I had not had a single ultrasound or used the doppler, so some of the midwives were very nervous asking me to reconsider getting one, I continued to refuse but was told they needed to monitor the heartbeat at the very least every now and then to make sure the baby was okay...which we agreed to do...at that point I was so very scared with all the things they tell you.  We chose a birthing room with a big bathtub and we labored in multiple positions, we used the bouncing ball, the bed, on my knees, and eventually the water, it was truly a beautiful experience, we had our music, and the nurse and midwife that attended me were incredible...they were like angels comforting me and supporting us in the process, the warm water felt so wonderful and eased the pain and pressure I felt on my back, by 11 pm I was fully dialated to 10 cm without medications, neither Ray nor I could believe it! we almost could see the finish line, I then began to push, and push, and push...the midwife asked us if we wanted a photo, and we were so unbelievably excited, the pain was unbearable but the joy and anticipation of holding our little one kept us going.  But then, we hit a roadblock, after pushing and pushing into 1 or 2 in the morning, the midwife advised that I needed to rest and take a break that I had been pushing for way too long and that my body was drained...so she asked if she could inject me with some medication to get me to sleep...I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I happily complied.  Ray and I finally got some rest and we were able to sleep till the early morning, maybe four in the morning, the pain was super awful by that point..I labored again, went in the shower, and pushed in the birthing stool as hard as I could push, the midwife was amazing tried in all possible ways to help me push that baby, and even tried to maneuver him out with her hands, but we realized soon enough that he was stuck..every time I pushed he would come down and then go back up if that makes any sense, my midwife concluded that baby's head was sideways and would not be pushed out naturally given the length of our laboring.she told me that he had turned his head sideways, and that they were going to have to transfer me to the hospital, at that point it was almost 10 am, I was in the most pain I have ever been in my entire life, prior to hearing the word hospital, I felt like I could handle it because there appeared to be an end to the journey, the end being the birth of my child, I was running on all the adrenaline and excitement of labor, but once I learned that the baby was stuck, I suddenly felt weak and vulnerable and so afraid.  So we got in our car and Ray drove us as fast as he could to the emergency room.  I was then transferred to tmc, at which point my pain intensified and my tolerance was null, it was so mentally difficult, that after laboring to completion  naturally i then experienced the full length of a hospital stay, all the technology, epidural, etc., the etc was the toughest to accept, doctor said pushing longer than two hours was not recommended, my midwife asked the doctor if it would help to give me pitocin, but the doctor said it would not help and he would not prescribe to me because he said it would be malpractice, that the only way at this point baby would come out safely would be with a caesarean...im not sure if this is true, but to be honest at that point, I was done, I was exhausted, I just wanted to see my baby and the fear of jeopardizing his safety was frightening.  they told me that his head was hitting against my pelvis, that every time I pushed that I was essentially experiencing back labor and that just the way head was faced it would not be pushed out and worried about baby becoming stressed w such a long labor, midwife said she agreed.  Ray and I talked for a while, I cried and cried and Ray comforted me telling me he was so very proud of me, that he loved me and that everything was going to be okay.  I cannot emphasize enough what a wonderful labor coach Ray was, what an amazing person he is, how much he held me and made me feel strong and special, how much strength I drew from him,\\\\\\\[=-\-\  We then called our family, who had no idea at that point that we had gone into labor and we told them what was going on.  Before I knew it I was in surgery and by 3:15 pm, my little one was born...I heard his wonderful cry and then screamed and screamed for Ray to tell them to let me see my baby...the damn doctors took their sweet time and wouldnt show him to me, Ray came over and kissed me on the head and told me "my love, he is perfect" I cried and smiled and cried some more...then they showed him to me and wheeled me away to my room...hospitals are so evil..why the hell do they not let you hold him right away...i know they do with natural labor, but with caesareans they take the baby and it feels awful! he's yours damnit! thankfully, ray stayed with him, they did respect my birth plan and didnt do any stupid tests and brought him straight to the bedroom with me, when I arrived to my room, my parents were there waiting for me, i saw my moms face and i felt this natural bond and need to hold her, she told me everything was okay, i was then allowed to breastfeed and hold my ray emerson, it was such a beautiful experience, he absolutely knew exactly what to do, I was so happy despite feeling so damn numb from the freaking epidural, and then the family began pouring in, everyone came out to see us, it was a crazy experience and indeed i guess i'm really proud of us...ray and i are a team, and i love him (i absolutely love him) and even more so i'm in love with our son, we are a family :')

Writing about you

words often exist before ever having been written

it's been almost two years now, and I am just beginning to reconcile the whirlwind experience that mothering becomes, like a tornado being a mother engulfs you, swallows you whole and takes over every aspect of you

your thoughts no longer belong to you

they are no longer a part of you

your words, your language it too escapes you,

all you see is this new person 

their tiny feet and little hands 

their ambitious smile and pondering mind

i longed so long to be your mother my ray emerson

and it's been such an unbelievable ride that i never want to fall out of

the rough nights without sleep, countless runny noses and ear infections, you have awakened in me a fear i never knew was possible

a fear of never wanting anything to ever happen to you, to ever hurt you

and then from the torment and labor of it all is a smile, a laugh, that makes the world just right, that makes everything just perfect 

so much has happened that I wish i could record about you

i feel like already i have failed you in not jotting down every little wonderful thing you ever did, of which there were many, and in making notes about every cute thing you ever said, every wonderful sound you ever made

but the thing with time is that it always moves forward

too late

i guess i always figured that these moment were engrained my brain and somehow i could always go back and remember

but the days continue to go by and you become even more increasingly precious

i realize that this list has grown so long that i must, i need to write it down because my heart can no longer contain all you do to make this world a better place just by being you

also i suppose it was my own inexperience, the novelty of it all coupled with the challenges of being a new parent...i always felt like i was juggling so much that enjoying it seemed sufficient

but now that i think i'm getting the hang of this being a mom thing..i think it's only right that i share/record all that you have done to change my life, for the better

it seems fitting to begin writing, about you again...just now...a few days before our birthdays

you are currently looking more and more like a big boy, about to be 2!

you are now wearing pull-ups

you can tell me when you went potty

you love choo choo trains so very much it's insane

you now tell me to take you to the mall to ride the train

you love minnie mouse, mickey too-- you call him miska but esp. minnie 

my favorite thing to hear you say is "Mommy...?" you say it in a way as to seek reassurance, just for the sake of hearing me say..yes, ray or que, papi?  then you turn around and continue on with whatever you were doing

you love fideo, beans, tortillas, and cumbias

you dance, and its so contagious..that every time i watch you i want to dance myself

when you dont want to do something you let the world know..either by screaming it loudly or saying "no, not yet"

you are now able to chant "si se puede" and you love it!

you also chant "asu" and can recognize the university even from many streets away

you love sparky but still afraid to get too close to him

baseball, you watch with admiration and long to play, this makes your daddy so very happy

you are very athletic, you run so very fast and love to climb on top of everything

i sing to you at nights and you love to hold me before you go to sleep

you also love to read books, particularly the thomas books and that's not my train!

you are now counting and even have begun singing the abc's!

you love un elefante se columpiaba...and tonight you laughed hysterically during our reading of the cat in the hat in spanish, when i read the word "pum!" 

i would pay anything to relive that small instant of wonder and joy that emerged from your glossy and bright beautiful eyes

te quiero mucho mi ray

eres mi mundo entero

i can't wait for your birthday, you are going to be two very very soon, and im so excited for you! you sing happy birthday "arman ray" almost everyday and i know its going to be absolutely super special!

so many words existed before you were ever born, and with your birth the words seemed meaningless, nothing seemed good enough to describe you, it has taken me two years to be able to write about you, i know in my heart these lines will always fall short, they will always lack..but nonetheless im happy to begin to try-- because these moments that I'm living with you...i can't afford to ever forget

Waiting

My days have somehow became extremely long.  I suppose this is what happens when you are waiting for something big to happen, it seems that time decides to go ever so slowly right at that precise moment.  This is what has happened to me.  Everyday I get a call from some family member asking me, how are you feeling? code for: is baby here yet?! My "due date" is technically friday, i.e. in two days, and yet it seems like the whole world is waiting for me to have this baby.  There is so much pressure building up and I'm actually starting to get a little nervous.  Why?! I tell myself..who cares..baby will come when its ready...but still I continue to obsess and stress and worry. 

Today was no different. 

I woke up as I usually do, way to early, and went for my morning walk with Ray.  It was such a beautiful day...so full of life.  We even saw two bunnies along the way.  One dead birdie, which was rather sad, but overall..it was a beautiful morning.  So as I was saying..today was yet another day of worrying.  I went to my weekly 'doctor's appt' at the birth center and they said that everything was going well..that I should not worry about anything..but then the midwife proceeded to tell me that she thought that I might have a fibroid outside my uterus. 

This whole time I had been thinking that the bump on my right side of my belly was a knee or some baby body part..and it may actually just be a stupid fibroid.  Now what the heck does this mean? Essentially, well at this point, nothing.  Yet, I suppose its human nature to worry about things that we simply don't understand.  Somehow it bothers me to know that I have some creepy tumor inside my body! It doesn't matter that it's harmless..somehow it seems to still bother me, a lot.  I guess this is what happens when one has nothing better to do, we utilize our time and energy in the most unproductive of ways. I really should focus on being calm and collect right now..but it seems like the hardest thing in the world to do sometimes..to simply shut our minds up and make ourselves "relax."

Anyhow, I just wanted to vent a little about my day.  I really wish I could have documented better this whole pregnancy journey, because it truly has been a crazy roller coaster ride that I will never ever forget.  It has changed me in so many unprecedented ways and I just wish I had taken the time to write down every little detail...overall it has been an amazing transformational experience..and yet it's not even over yet.