My days have somehow became extremely long. I suppose this is what happens when you are waiting for something big to happen, it seems that time decides to go ever so slowly right at that precise moment. This is what has happened to me. Everyday I get a call from some family member asking me, how are you feeling? code for: is baby here yet?! My "due date" is technically friday, i.e. in two days, and yet it seems like the whole world is waiting for me to have this baby. There is so much pressure building up and I'm actually starting to get a little nervous. Why?! I tell myself..who cares..baby will come when its ready...but still I continue to obsess and stress and worry.
Today was no different.
I woke up as I usually do, way to early, and went for my morning walk with Ray. It was such a beautiful day...so full of life. We even saw two bunnies along the way. One dead birdie, which was rather sad, but overall..it was a beautiful morning. So as I was saying..today was yet another day of worrying. I went to my weekly 'doctor's appt' at the birth center and they said that everything was going well..that I should not worry about anything..but then the midwife proceeded to tell me that she thought that I might have a fibroid outside my uterus.
This whole time I had been thinking that the bump on my right side of my belly was a knee or some baby body part..and it may actually just be a stupid fibroid. Now what the heck does this mean? Essentially, well at this point, nothing. Yet, I suppose its human nature to worry about things that we simply don't understand. Somehow it bothers me to know that I have some creepy tumor inside my body! It doesn't matter that it's harmless..somehow it seems to still bother me, a lot. I guess this is what happens when one has nothing better to do, we utilize our time and energy in the most unproductive of ways. I really should focus on being calm and collect right now..but it seems like the hardest thing in the world to do sometimes..to simply shut our minds up and make ourselves "relax."
Anyhow, I just wanted to vent a little about my day. I really wish I could have documented better this whole pregnancy journey, because it truly has been a crazy roller coaster ride that I will never ever forget. It has changed me in so many unprecedented ways and I just wish I had taken the time to write down every little detail...overall it has been an amazing transformational experience..and yet it's not even over yet.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Almost Forty
So it's officially almost "the end" of my third trimester...I'm 39 weeks plus 1 day, and awaiting ever so anxiously the arrival of our little baby.
I feel like I haven't blogged on here in forever...truth is that this last trimester was absolutely crazy. There was literally so much that I felt I needed to get done before being truly "ready" for the baby...and everyday I would set out to tackle a gazillion to do items written and rewritten on countless yellow notepads. Each time something else felt like an emergency...from taking child prep courses at the nearby hospital, to researching the safest car seat, to what kind of diaper ointment to buy...there seemed to be a myriad of things to do, discover, and investigate. Not to mention the wonderful joys of embracing that wonderful nesting instinct that can keep you up at night and drive your sweet husband absolutely nuts, organizing and reorganizing every nook imaginable.
At the same time I was also in such a hurry to finish my comprehensive exams for my dissertation, which I am happy to report I have finished and passed! Yey! It's been a crazy and yet productive couple of months. My energy levels have gone up and down like a roller coaster, but finally..i can say that i'm ready! I'm seriously absolutely ready...sure there are loose ends here and there and so many other things I wish I had done or done better...but all in all at this point I'm absolutely ready for baby to arrive. We've decorated the nursery, took classes, setup all the baby gear, got a new car (!:), been exercising, eating well, became a regular customer at babies r us...oh and i can recite the ewg (skin deep) score for most baby products...yup we're ready! i'm super duper anxious and almost inpatient at this point...afterall i'm almost forty weeks now...our due date is june 3rd! one day before my birthday!
Gosh, I can't believe we've made it this far...it's been a scary ride for sure...from thinking our baby was breech to arguing with midwives over ultrasounds, it's been a struggle all the way...and yet here we are almost forty weeks...i'm still so afraid of what's to come..but just keeping the faith, hoping, praying, and awaiting to hold our little angel in my arms.
I feel like I haven't blogged on here in forever...truth is that this last trimester was absolutely crazy. There was literally so much that I felt I needed to get done before being truly "ready" for the baby...and everyday I would set out to tackle a gazillion to do items written and rewritten on countless yellow notepads. Each time something else felt like an emergency...from taking child prep courses at the nearby hospital, to researching the safest car seat, to what kind of diaper ointment to buy...there seemed to be a myriad of things to do, discover, and investigate. Not to mention the wonderful joys of embracing that wonderful nesting instinct that can keep you up at night and drive your sweet husband absolutely nuts, organizing and reorganizing every nook imaginable.
At the same time I was also in such a hurry to finish my comprehensive exams for my dissertation, which I am happy to report I have finished and passed! Yey! It's been a crazy and yet productive couple of months. My energy levels have gone up and down like a roller coaster, but finally..i can say that i'm ready! I'm seriously absolutely ready...sure there are loose ends here and there and so many other things I wish I had done or done better...but all in all at this point I'm absolutely ready for baby to arrive. We've decorated the nursery, took classes, setup all the baby gear, got a new car (!:), been exercising, eating well, became a regular customer at babies r us...oh and i can recite the ewg (skin deep) score for most baby products...yup we're ready! i'm super duper anxious and almost inpatient at this point...afterall i'm almost forty weeks now...our due date is june 3rd! one day before my birthday!
Gosh, I can't believe we've made it this far...it's been a scary ride for sure...from thinking our baby was breech to arguing with midwives over ultrasounds, it's been a struggle all the way...and yet here we are almost forty weeks...i'm still so afraid of what's to come..but just keeping the faith, hoping, praying, and awaiting to hold our little angel in my arms.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Birthday Mornings
Today is a special day.
For the last thirty years my sisters and I have developed a sort of refined tradition where we wake up early morning, rush to the grocery store, and buy whatever flowers, balloons, and birthday cards we can gather. We search the bakery section for a cake that might have the already imprinted letters of "happy birthday," pickup starbucks or make some coffee and blast into the journey of waking up our beloved family member to "surprize" them with our bday wishes and gifts :)
I put surprize under quotations because frankly, after doing this year after year, most of us 'know' to lie and bed, waiting patiently for everyone to arrive, we keep our eyes closed pretending to be asleep and then try with our best acting faces to look unaware and unexpecting...
Well today, March 4th, 2011, is officially my father's 50th birthday!!
But, sadly, it is also the first year that i was unable to make it to wake him up :'(
I don't know how others feel about birthdays, but in our family...they are HUGE deals! and living in Tucson, last year in Bisbee, it has been extremely tough to keep our family tradition alive. Needless to say..i'm a bit bummed about it...i love my dad sooo much!
I still remember being 9 years old and trying to orchestrate with my sisters the order in which we were going to enter my parents bedroom. I would carry the cake, yesica might have carried our gift and jazmin the balloons and flowers, little Emmy would follow behind us with his own handmade bday card...
It didnt matter how tired we were, or how much sleep we had, we had to wake up every year on that birthday morning, and do this...
sometimes we would play a special song in the background, other times we would make WAY too much noise, most of the time one of us would argue with each other "shut up stupid, go get the cake idiot..." etc. but you know these are our memories. Our family, like most, or like all is far from perfect, but we love each other like crazy, and no matter how many years go by, no matter how different our lives have become, no matter how much we all have changed, no matter where we live, I KNOW that every birthday morning, our hearts are not with us, our hearts wake up next to that person, that one person that we love so deeply, that person in our FAMILIA.
TE AMO PAPA.
sucede que tu amor es como el viento,
For the last thirty years my sisters and I have developed a sort of refined tradition where we wake up early morning, rush to the grocery store, and buy whatever flowers, balloons, and birthday cards we can gather. We search the bakery section for a cake that might have the already imprinted letters of "happy birthday," pickup starbucks or make some coffee and blast into the journey of waking up our beloved family member to "surprize" them with our bday wishes and gifts :)
I put surprize under quotations because frankly, after doing this year after year, most of us 'know' to lie and bed, waiting patiently for everyone to arrive, we keep our eyes closed pretending to be asleep and then try with our best acting faces to look unaware and unexpecting...
Well today, March 4th, 2011, is officially my father's 50th birthday!!
But, sadly, it is also the first year that i was unable to make it to wake him up :'(
I don't know how others feel about birthdays, but in our family...they are HUGE deals! and living in Tucson, last year in Bisbee, it has been extremely tough to keep our family tradition alive. Needless to say..i'm a bit bummed about it...i love my dad sooo much!
I still remember being 9 years old and trying to orchestrate with my sisters the order in which we were going to enter my parents bedroom. I would carry the cake, yesica might have carried our gift and jazmin the balloons and flowers, little Emmy would follow behind us with his own handmade bday card...
It didnt matter how tired we were, or how much sleep we had, we had to wake up every year on that birthday morning, and do this...
sometimes we would play a special song in the background, other times we would make WAY too much noise, most of the time one of us would argue with each other "shut up stupid, go get the cake idiot..." etc. but you know these are our memories. Our family, like most, or like all is far from perfect, but we love each other like crazy, and no matter how many years go by, no matter how different our lives have become, no matter how much we all have changed, no matter where we live, I KNOW that every birthday morning, our hearts are not with us, our hearts wake up next to that person, that one person that we love so deeply, that person in our FAMILIA.
TE AMO PAPA.
sucede que tu amor es como el viento, como el aire que respiro
nunca nos damos cuanta de lo que siempre hemos tenido
como un pajaro
que acaba de nacer
sus alas se estrechan
y aprende pronto a volar
bajo del siempre el ha estado
en silencio y en fortaleza
sosteniendole sus suenos
apoyandole sus alas
bajo sombra del ayer
sin reprochos
tu me amas
y me ensenaste a levantarme
cuando torpe yo cai
tu promesa
la has mantenido
siempre a mi lado,
ha estado un viento,
un aire,
un amigo,
un hombre,
mi papa.
ahora yo...
te dedico una promesa
que no importa el tiempo, ni la distancia
aunque mi cuerpo estubiera ausente
mi corazon siempre estara
junto de ti.levantandote cada manana
como los pajaros
que tanto cantancon su ruido,
yo estare.y que recuerdes siempre,
nuestros viajes a celaya,nuestros recuerdos
las alegrias y peleas
nuestros triunfos y dolores
que sigamos siempre, asi
queriendonos
cada
dia
mas...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
bills & tea
Once again, I'm up at 3 am.
I'm sooooooooo tired, but my mind just refuses to sleep. So my task for this early morning is to finish our house bills, and maybe, just maybe, actually get started on our taxes (eeeek!). I finally finished my dissertation proposal! yey! well a first draft that is..but hey, its a huuuuge accomplishment given how much I'd been avoiding to write lately. So now, that that's done and over with..I get to wait in anticipation and anxiety for my professor's revisions and edits...hopefully, everything goes well! (fingers crossed). So given the fact that I'm on this productivity route, I figure that it's time to stop avoiding our house bills and get them taken care of.
I'm also so behind on cleaning, which is really frustrating because I can't stand messy spaces :(, the house is a wreck and it pretty much reflects the chaotic nature of the last couple of days. My hubby is still sick, and it's really taken a toll on us. I hate to see him this way, poor guy, he looks so tired and in pain. I hate illness, it's like an uninvited guest who just show up and doesn't even bother to ask if you are busy. I just hope he gets well soon, I miss his dumb jokes and vibrant energy, he always makes me feel so alive. But for now, it's up to me to be the strong one and take care of us. I love him so much and I know this is just one of those dumb sick periods that will go away soon, but god, I can't wait till it does!
Alright, here I go again...off to my bills, tea making, and putting our house back together...
I'm sooooooooo tired, but my mind just refuses to sleep. So my task for this early morning is to finish our house bills, and maybe, just maybe, actually get started on our taxes (eeeek!). I finally finished my dissertation proposal! yey! well a first draft that is..but hey, its a huuuuge accomplishment given how much I'd been avoiding to write lately. So now, that that's done and over with..I get to wait in anticipation and anxiety for my professor's revisions and edits...hopefully, everything goes well! (fingers crossed). So given the fact that I'm on this productivity route, I figure that it's time to stop avoiding our house bills and get them taken care of.
I'm also so behind on cleaning, which is really frustrating because I can't stand messy spaces :(, the house is a wreck and it pretty much reflects the chaotic nature of the last couple of days. My hubby is still sick, and it's really taken a toll on us. I hate to see him this way, poor guy, he looks so tired and in pain. I hate illness, it's like an uninvited guest who just show up and doesn't even bother to ask if you are busy. I just hope he gets well soon, I miss his dumb jokes and vibrant energy, he always makes me feel so alive. But for now, it's up to me to be the strong one and take care of us. I love him so much and I know this is just one of those dumb sick periods that will go away soon, but god, I can't wait till it does!
Alright, here I go again...off to my bills, tea making, and putting our house back together...
Monday, February 28, 2011
insomnia
Alright, it's 5:06 am and I have been awake for at least three hours.
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
February Fatigue
Being pregnant has made me so very happy and yet at the same time filled me with an inmmense amount of frustrations, worries, and um, lazyness.
okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself. I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am. just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...
i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason.
The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics. And, I'm officially married to one. My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops. My mother, just the same, she is always up to something. Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!
So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...
my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!
problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(
okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself. I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am. just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...
so as i was saying...i clearly remember the days where i would do do do and no matter what time of day it was, it seemed i always had the energy for more...
perhaps it's just my age?
i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason.
The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics. And, I'm officially married to one. My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops. My mother, just the same, she is always up to something. Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!
So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...
my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!
problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(
so...im screwed. or at the very least...fatigued.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Birth Rights and Birth Rape?
I am officially 17 weeks pregnant and feel so excited and yet so incredibly terrified all at once. I suppose my mind should be focused on the joys of the holiday season, or saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming the new year of 2011. But, it's not. Most of my thoughts are centered around one little person; my unborn 17 week baby.
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Last Two Weeks
The last two weeks have been absolutely crazy and exhausting and I just can't wait for December to be over! Seriously! I am just soooooooooooooooo tired.
It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.
But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success! Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect. The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch." We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne. The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:) The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes. Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it!
We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City. But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me. I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!! Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...
i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!
And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....
It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.
But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success! Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect. The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch." We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne. The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:) The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes. Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it!
We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City. But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me. I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!! Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...
i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!
And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
UP - d o w n
So despite all my fears for a depressing and catastrophic thanksgiving..it all turned out to be a surprisingly wonderful holiday weekend. I had an amazing time cooking with my dad and getting schooled on the proper way to cut an onion...it was amazing! it was so good to be with my husband and thank god for all the ups and downs that life can bring us...in one year had a new job twice, moved twice, and got pregnant twice, not to mention losing Rudy. Not everyone we love was present at our thanksgiving table..but it was a beautiful table and they were definitely present in our hearts. We ate a gazillion amount of food...it is almost sinful if you think about it..but it was what it was and we loved it. By the end of the night everyone crashed tired as can be, there was no dancing as there usually is...but that's okay. There was enough dancing of flavors in our mouth as it was, any more movement would have ended in a painful and regretful experience....:)
Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about. Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time. My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts! (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!
The next day, my mother in law came down to see us. This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together. We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite). We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall.
Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate. I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine. You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense. Before you know it you feel so insignificant. That's life I guess.
So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program. I hate them! Literally. They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it. Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.
So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal. I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...
so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?
That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)
Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about. Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time. My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts! (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!
The next day, my mother in law came down to see us. This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together. We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite). We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall.
Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate. I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine. You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense. Before you know it you feel so insignificant. That's life I guess.
So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program. I hate them! Literally. They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it. Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.
So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal. I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...
so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?
and so...my most recent accomplishment...butternut squash soup....yumm! just waiting for hubby to come in and say husband home! so we can dive in....
That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Holidays
Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!
and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's. Yup, the holidays are here! Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays. I don't know what it is exactly. Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family. Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.
Not this year.
Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated. The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.
Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st. Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas. The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation. Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch?
To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house. That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys. Dilemma solved right? Wrong.
Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt.
I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays? In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself. I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...
aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....
and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's. Yup, the holidays are here! Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays. I don't know what it is exactly. Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family. Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.
Not this year.
Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated. The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.
Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st. Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas. The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation. Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch?
To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house. That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys. Dilemma solved right? Wrong.
Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt.
I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays? In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself. I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...
aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....
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