It's 935 pm and I feel this intense desire to write, I don't know about what, but it feels so strange to me to recognize that it has been quite some time since I have written. Sure, there's the occasional facebook posts and status updates, but they are usually superficial and lacking. One of my favorite things about writing is that it makes me feel relieved, as if in emptying out the words that sit in me that I feel just a bit lighter, perhaps vulnerable that I have allowed my thoughts to escape me, but at the same time a deep sense of relief that they are no longer in me to entertain and organize. All in all, writing is something that I love to do. Ever since I was young, I remember journaling what I had for lunch at school, or what had happened in my classroom. Thus, it seems so bizarre to now abandon a practice that always makes me happy. I have not written in a blog or journal for a very long time and am beginning to feel disconnected from my self. There's so much to make sense of. I don't want to say that I'm going to begin to blog again because I'm afraid of not following through and failing...much of my life right now seems unpredictable. I am now the mother of two children. My beautiful Stokely Daniel was born on February 20, 2015. Stokely is now four months old and while we have established some routine and accomplished quite a lot, it is nonetheless a journey of ups and downs colored by unpredictability. Anyway, I guess I enjoy writing because I love the idea of being able to record one's mind, so that my future self can read me and try to understand me. So here we go. First some updates:
Having a second child has made me so very happy and at the same time has challenged me in ways I never expected. Through my children, I am learning the meaning of patience and sacrifice, most importantly what it means to commit.
My children are my life.
They drive me crazy.
crazy.
and yet at the end of the night when they are sleeping, I feel so blessed to have them. I would not change one bit of my chaotic days.
Stokely and I have been successfully breastfeeding for four months now. I am so proud of me. Breastfeeding is such a challenging endeavor, it requires so much of oneself and yet it provides such an intimate connection to your child. I am so grateful that I was able to establish this. My present challenge is language. I am trying my hardest to speak to him only en espanol. I want him to learn spanish so badly. I am also trying to teach Ray Emerson, but it is honestly so difficult. I feel like I am battling the world just to provide my son a bit of his culture. His environment is so vastly predominated with English words that it many times feels like an impossibility to teach him a language that is not valued enough, particularly here in Arizona. I am currently working part time at the law office and at the same time trying to figure out how and whether to go to law school. I have to retake the LSAT but life is so busy for me already that at times I wonder if this is even a good idea to entertain. It's something I have always wanted to do, but at the same time my priority right now are my children. There's so much I want them to learn and most days I feel like I fall short of being a good mother. but I continue to try and I guess in parenting that's the most important thing is our effort to strive to be good parents. I have started to do yoga to help me destress and I absolutely love it. It is a practice sort of like writing, I feel that it challenges me, and it silences my mind and soul and just allows me to feel alive. The focus is always on the breath and the pose and the present....something i really want to strive to appreciate more and more...being in the present. we live so much of our lives in the past or in the planning for tomorrow that we often miss the opportunities to really live today. There's so much to do in this beautiful world, I wish I could do so much, but the days are always so short.
Still I think it is important to have goals. My goals right now are as follows:
1) Teach Stokely and Ray Emerson Espanol
2) Make fitness a priority in my life
3) Be present
4) Continue fighting for things that matter
more later....good night
