Birth Rights and Birth Rape?

I am officially 17 weeks pregnant and feel so excited and yet so incredibly terrified all at once.  I suppose my mind should be focused on the joys of the holiday season, or saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming the new year of 2011.  But, it's not.  Most of my thoughts are centered around one little person; my unborn 17 week baby. 

It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be.  At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother.  And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility. 

I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief.  So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally.  Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information. 

As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound.  I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells.  So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.

I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor.  Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds.  We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound.  However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler. 

I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits.  The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same.  Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers.  I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was.  Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child."  I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor. 

Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat.  Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life.  And yet, today I am saddened.  Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us.  There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights.  We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty.  It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there.  I am afraid of what awaits.

I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways.  Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them.  Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor.  My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby." 

In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape."  Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused.  But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting.  What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that.  It should be labeled violence, because it is violence.  They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science.  A science some of us never asked for or consented to. 

I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are.  And this sort of birth rape is taking place.

As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters.  My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears.  As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children.  I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy.  But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong.  This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body.  A symbol of her rights being taken from her.  The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible.  But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given.  This is the way surgeries were done then.  this is as good as things got. 

today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part.  Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them. 

The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....

here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!

Last Two Weeks

The last two weeks have been absolutely crazy and exhausting and I just can't wait for December to be over! Seriously! I am just soooooooooooooooo tired. 

It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.

But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success!  Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect.  The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch."  We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne.  The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:)  The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes.  Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it! 

We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City.  But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me.  I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!!  Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...

i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!

And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....

UP - d o w n

So despite all my fears for a depressing and catastrophic thanksgiving..it all turned out to be a surprisingly wonderful holiday weekend.  I had an amazing time cooking with my dad and getting schooled on the proper way to cut an onion...it was amazing! it was so good to be with my husband and thank god for all the ups and downs that life can bring us...in one year had a new job twice, moved twice, and got pregnant twice, not to mention losing Rudy.  Not everyone we love was present at our thanksgiving table..but it was a beautiful table and they were definitely present in our hearts.  We ate a gazillion amount of food...it is almost sinful if you think about it..but it was what it was and we loved it.  By the end of the night everyone crashed tired as can be, there was no dancing as there usually is...but that's okay.  There was enough dancing of flavors in our mouth as it was, any more movement would have ended in a painful and regretful experience....:)

Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about.  Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time.  My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts!  (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!

The next day, my mother in law came down to see us.  This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together.  We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite).  We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall. 

Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate.  I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine.  You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense.  Before you know it you feel so insignificant.  That's life I guess.

So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program.  I hate them! Literally.  They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it.  Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.

So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal.  I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...

so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?

and so...my most recent accomplishment...butternut squash soup....yumm! just waiting for hubby to come in and say husband home! so we can dive in....

That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)