The Holidays

Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!

and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's.  Yup, the holidays are here!  Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays.  I don't know what it is exactly.  Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family.  Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.

Not this year. 

Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated.  The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.

Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st.  Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried.  Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas.  The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation.  Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch? 

To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house.  That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys.  Dilemma solved right? Wrong.

Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt. 

I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays?  In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself.  I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...

aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....

Santa Fe

Despite how sad life can seem sometimes, the truth is that I feel so lucky to wake up everyday and live.
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe.  My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job.  So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe. 
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.

I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months.  I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up.  Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel.  After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!

This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra.  In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle.  I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food.  They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.

And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here.  I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way.  I even feel like drawing or watercoloring.  It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again.  I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.

Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe.  We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday.  It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it.  The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
 
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.

So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long.  Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower.  After that its baby names and baby registry.  So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).

a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:

..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....

11 weeks

I'm officially 11 weeks pregnant and all I can say is; thank God.  The nausea and crazy fatigue is slowly wearing off and I am anxiously envisioning the finish line to this first trimester.  God how scared I am each time I think about it.  I keep hoping that if I survive the first trimester that somehow I will feel better and things will feel a little less scary.  but the truth is that i think this crazy feeling of uncertainty is not going away anytime soon. 

Last night I fell into tears out of literally no where.  I was watching tv with my husband, just loving life, feeling so good and secure as i rested in his arms.  we were watching some dumb commercials and I began to say how excited I was for xmas time, particularly the xmas carols on the radio.  And that was it...that simple thought spurred a series of memories from exactly 13 months ago.  I remember hearing and singing along to Maria Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" and the song made me cry.  The thing is that when I first heard it I told ray that this was my song for our baby Rudy. that all i wanted for xmas was to see our little baby rudy be born...

its almost been a year since i was pregnant with Rudy, it was December of 2009.  and now almost xmas time again and i swear i can sing the same song, but i'm scared.

i want so badly for this wish to come true this time. i dont want to miscarry again....dear god, please help me.....the most painful part is that i wanted so badly for rudy to be born, and i miss my little angel..no matter how happy i am to be expecting again, to be 11 weeks, i can't help but to still feel sad for the loss of my first baby. i will always think of him/her this time of year...and so i guess i will sing this song again...because it's beautiful and so true for me today and always...all i want for xmas is YOU...baby...

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is...

You



I don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

You baby



I won't ask for much this Christmas

I don't even wish for snow

I'm just gonna keep on waiting

Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it

To the North Pole for Saint Nick

I won't even stay awake to

Hear those magic reindeers click

'Cause I just want you here tonight

Holding on to me so tight

What more can I do

Baby all I want for Christmas is you

Ooh baby

All the lights are shining

So brightly everywhere

And the sound of children's

Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing

I hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa won't you bring me the one I really need

Won't you please bring my baby to me...



Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas

This is all I'm asking for

I just want to see my baby

Standing right outside my door

Oh I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

Baby all I want for Christmas is...

You

All I want for Christmas is you... baby

soooooooooooooo much has happened part 2

Tucson here we come!

so part of the reason(s) i've been so out of it..is because one i'm pregnant..and 2, as of sept 21st we had to begin a desperate search for a house in Tucson, asap, help get our house in bisbee rented, and after that spend pretty much everyday packing and getting ready for our big move!

but we did it! we left the beautiful and gorgeous city of Bisbee on october 16th, 2010!

the pregnancy fatigue had began to kick in and my usual energetic 'can handle it all' self was pretty much a gonner...but to the rescue came my awesome sister yesica.  She came down to Bisbee for about a week..and really helped us get it done..and we did...we packed everything up just in time for our move...

it was a crazy ride...but we are now happily moved in to our new home...

it was actually really sad..because i do do love love love bisbee..it is a beautiful place full of charm and natural beauty...not to mention the people that you meet...the volunteers at the migrant center were some of the nicest people i've ever know...people con corazon..and i am going to miss them...but still...i wont deny that it was equally exciting to begin yet another journey with my husband....

my new house does not have the exagerado..gorgeous view of the mountains staring at me from the window...but there are certainly some wonderful perks...

for one...i now have a huge walk in closet :) and since i love to cook...my kitchen is so freaking beautiful! it even has an island! and finally...the best part is that i have a bathtub!! i am literally obsessed with water...i think i was a fish in another life..because i can spend hours in the shower...and so a bathtub...its like a xmas present, everytime you use it...for reals!

anyhow this pretty much wraps up all the recent news...

oh yeah..one more thing...we have a snake behind our house...not on purpose..it just showed up..but some people say its good luck so im not about to mess with it...let the good luck pour in...:)

sooooooooooo much has happened....part 1

Jeez...I feel like its been forever since I last wrote on here..I know that everyone who starts a blog..has one or two of these type of posts...but seriously...it's been absolutely crazy these last couple of months that I have no idea where to begin...my life has literally been turned upside down..but in incredible & wonderful ways...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...

I'M PREGNANT!

ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...

anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...

simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...

we felt so doomed in every which way possible...

but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!

it feels so magical...

i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...

i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..

i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...

i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.

anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...

still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that  I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)

so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!

we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
    ........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...

Our Anniversario...

This is a belated post...i've been so out of it lately...but i wanted to go ahead and hit publish on this old entry i had saved in my drafts...so here it is...more posts coming soon....

Sometimes i feel so grateful that despite all the shit that sometimes crowds my thoughts and my life...i'm extremely lucky...because no matter what goes down...i know that right beside me there is this amazing person...who will look at me like i'm nuts and love me anyway...his name is Ray, but for the last two years i have had the privilege of calling him "my husband," and damn does that feel so good!

It has meant that I have a best friend who will love me when I'm at my best and won't completely hate me when I'm at my worst, it has meant that when I least expect it, I will be surprized, hugged, loved, spoiled, and best of all understood.

This last Tuesday, August 24th, we celebrated our two year anniversary.

Our intention or the plan was that we were going to celebrate this upcoming weekend since it landed on a Tuesday, but Ray surprized me by taking the day off of work and we made a day of it in Tucson.  My words cannot even begin to capture how happy he made me.

Monday afternoon I received a text from Ray stating "are you ready for a mission?"
Confused, I replied "sure...what's going on..."  my initial thoughts were that he needed me to run an errand for him or something related to our bills..I'm not sure I was completely not thinking...

So next thing you know he states...once again..."i said are you ready for a mission..yes or no"
so i told him yes and he replied "okay then..your first task is to pack our bags with one change of clothes/toothbrushes, etc., you must complete this by 3 pm"  So...I agreed, and next thing you know..we are driving into the sunset like lovers.  It was absolutely wonderful.  We went to the melting pot and stuffed ourselves with chocolate and cheese.  The rest is history :)

i love love love my hubby.