insomnia

Alright, it's 5:06 am and I have been awake for at least three hours. 

I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern.  I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time.  By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion. 

What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected.  Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...

so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors.  I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens.  My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...

i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...

perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...

so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....

the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!

okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!

February Fatigue

Being pregnant has made me so very happy and yet at the same time filled me with an inmmense amount of frustrations, worries, and um, lazyness.

okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself.  I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am.  just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...

so as i was saying...i clearly remember the days where i would do do do and no matter what time of day it was, it seemed i always had the energy for more...

perhaps it's just my age?

i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason. 

The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics.  And, I'm officially married to one.  My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops.  My mother, just the same, she is always up to something.  Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!

So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...

my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!

problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(

so...im screwed. or at the very least...fatigued.