My days have somehow became extremely long. I suppose this is what happens when you are waiting for something big to happen, it seems that time decides to go ever so slowly right at that precise moment. This is what has happened to me. Everyday I get a call from some family member asking me, how are you feeling? code for: is baby here yet?! My "due date" is technically friday, i.e. in two days, and yet it seems like the whole world is waiting for me to have this baby. There is so much pressure building up and I'm actually starting to get a little nervous. Why?! I tell myself..who cares..baby will come when its ready...but still I continue to obsess and stress and worry.
Today was no different.
I woke up as I usually do, way to early, and went for my morning walk with Ray. It was such a beautiful day...so full of life. We even saw two bunnies along the way. One dead birdie, which was rather sad, but overall..it was a beautiful morning. So as I was saying..today was yet another day of worrying. I went to my weekly 'doctor's appt' at the birth center and they said that everything was going well..that I should not worry about anything..but then the midwife proceeded to tell me that she thought that I might have a fibroid outside my uterus.
This whole time I had been thinking that the bump on my right side of my belly was a knee or some baby body part..and it may actually just be a stupid fibroid. Now what the heck does this mean? Essentially, well at this point, nothing. Yet, I suppose its human nature to worry about things that we simply don't understand. Somehow it bothers me to know that I have some creepy tumor inside my body! It doesn't matter that it's harmless..somehow it seems to still bother me, a lot. I guess this is what happens when one has nothing better to do, we utilize our time and energy in the most unproductive of ways. I really should focus on being calm and collect right now..but it seems like the hardest thing in the world to do sometimes..to simply shut our minds up and make ourselves "relax."
Anyhow, I just wanted to vent a little about my day. I really wish I could have documented better this whole pregnancy journey, because it truly has been a crazy roller coaster ride that I will never ever forget. It has changed me in so many unprecedented ways and I just wish I had taken the time to write down every little detail...overall it has been an amazing transformational experience..and yet it's not even over yet.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Almost Forty
So it's officially almost "the end" of my third trimester...I'm 39 weeks plus 1 day, and awaiting ever so anxiously the arrival of our little baby.
I feel like I haven't blogged on here in forever...truth is that this last trimester was absolutely crazy. There was literally so much that I felt I needed to get done before being truly "ready" for the baby...and everyday I would set out to tackle a gazillion to do items written and rewritten on countless yellow notepads. Each time something else felt like an emergency...from taking child prep courses at the nearby hospital, to researching the safest car seat, to what kind of diaper ointment to buy...there seemed to be a myriad of things to do, discover, and investigate. Not to mention the wonderful joys of embracing that wonderful nesting instinct that can keep you up at night and drive your sweet husband absolutely nuts, organizing and reorganizing every nook imaginable.
At the same time I was also in such a hurry to finish my comprehensive exams for my dissertation, which I am happy to report I have finished and passed! Yey! It's been a crazy and yet productive couple of months. My energy levels have gone up and down like a roller coaster, but finally..i can say that i'm ready! I'm seriously absolutely ready...sure there are loose ends here and there and so many other things I wish I had done or done better...but all in all at this point I'm absolutely ready for baby to arrive. We've decorated the nursery, took classes, setup all the baby gear, got a new car (!:), been exercising, eating well, became a regular customer at babies r us...oh and i can recite the ewg (skin deep) score for most baby products...yup we're ready! i'm super duper anxious and almost inpatient at this point...afterall i'm almost forty weeks now...our due date is june 3rd! one day before my birthday!
Gosh, I can't believe we've made it this far...it's been a scary ride for sure...from thinking our baby was breech to arguing with midwives over ultrasounds, it's been a struggle all the way...and yet here we are almost forty weeks...i'm still so afraid of what's to come..but just keeping the faith, hoping, praying, and awaiting to hold our little angel in my arms.
I feel like I haven't blogged on here in forever...truth is that this last trimester was absolutely crazy. There was literally so much that I felt I needed to get done before being truly "ready" for the baby...and everyday I would set out to tackle a gazillion to do items written and rewritten on countless yellow notepads. Each time something else felt like an emergency...from taking child prep courses at the nearby hospital, to researching the safest car seat, to what kind of diaper ointment to buy...there seemed to be a myriad of things to do, discover, and investigate. Not to mention the wonderful joys of embracing that wonderful nesting instinct that can keep you up at night and drive your sweet husband absolutely nuts, organizing and reorganizing every nook imaginable.
At the same time I was also in such a hurry to finish my comprehensive exams for my dissertation, which I am happy to report I have finished and passed! Yey! It's been a crazy and yet productive couple of months. My energy levels have gone up and down like a roller coaster, but finally..i can say that i'm ready! I'm seriously absolutely ready...sure there are loose ends here and there and so many other things I wish I had done or done better...but all in all at this point I'm absolutely ready for baby to arrive. We've decorated the nursery, took classes, setup all the baby gear, got a new car (!:), been exercising, eating well, became a regular customer at babies r us...oh and i can recite the ewg (skin deep) score for most baby products...yup we're ready! i'm super duper anxious and almost inpatient at this point...afterall i'm almost forty weeks now...our due date is june 3rd! one day before my birthday!
Gosh, I can't believe we've made it this far...it's been a scary ride for sure...from thinking our baby was breech to arguing with midwives over ultrasounds, it's been a struggle all the way...and yet here we are almost forty weeks...i'm still so afraid of what's to come..but just keeping the faith, hoping, praying, and awaiting to hold our little angel in my arms.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Birthday Mornings
Today is a special day.
For the last thirty years my sisters and I have developed a sort of refined tradition where we wake up early morning, rush to the grocery store, and buy whatever flowers, balloons, and birthday cards we can gather. We search the bakery section for a cake that might have the already imprinted letters of "happy birthday," pickup starbucks or make some coffee and blast into the journey of waking up our beloved family member to "surprize" them with our bday wishes and gifts :)
I put surprize under quotations because frankly, after doing this year after year, most of us 'know' to lie and bed, waiting patiently for everyone to arrive, we keep our eyes closed pretending to be asleep and then try with our best acting faces to look unaware and unexpecting...
Well today, March 4th, 2011, is officially my father's 50th birthday!!
But, sadly, it is also the first year that i was unable to make it to wake him up :'(
I don't know how others feel about birthdays, but in our family...they are HUGE deals! and living in Tucson, last year in Bisbee, it has been extremely tough to keep our family tradition alive. Needless to say..i'm a bit bummed about it...i love my dad sooo much!
I still remember being 9 years old and trying to orchestrate with my sisters the order in which we were going to enter my parents bedroom. I would carry the cake, yesica might have carried our gift and jazmin the balloons and flowers, little Emmy would follow behind us with his own handmade bday card...
It didnt matter how tired we were, or how much sleep we had, we had to wake up every year on that birthday morning, and do this...
sometimes we would play a special song in the background, other times we would make WAY too much noise, most of the time one of us would argue with each other "shut up stupid, go get the cake idiot..." etc. but you know these are our memories. Our family, like most, or like all is far from perfect, but we love each other like crazy, and no matter how many years go by, no matter how different our lives have become, no matter how much we all have changed, no matter where we live, I KNOW that every birthday morning, our hearts are not with us, our hearts wake up next to that person, that one person that we love so deeply, that person in our FAMILIA.
TE AMO PAPA.
sucede que tu amor es como el viento,
For the last thirty years my sisters and I have developed a sort of refined tradition where we wake up early morning, rush to the grocery store, and buy whatever flowers, balloons, and birthday cards we can gather. We search the bakery section for a cake that might have the already imprinted letters of "happy birthday," pickup starbucks or make some coffee and blast into the journey of waking up our beloved family member to "surprize" them with our bday wishes and gifts :)
I put surprize under quotations because frankly, after doing this year after year, most of us 'know' to lie and bed, waiting patiently for everyone to arrive, we keep our eyes closed pretending to be asleep and then try with our best acting faces to look unaware and unexpecting...
Well today, March 4th, 2011, is officially my father's 50th birthday!!
But, sadly, it is also the first year that i was unable to make it to wake him up :'(
I don't know how others feel about birthdays, but in our family...they are HUGE deals! and living in Tucson, last year in Bisbee, it has been extremely tough to keep our family tradition alive. Needless to say..i'm a bit bummed about it...i love my dad sooo much!
I still remember being 9 years old and trying to orchestrate with my sisters the order in which we were going to enter my parents bedroom. I would carry the cake, yesica might have carried our gift and jazmin the balloons and flowers, little Emmy would follow behind us with his own handmade bday card...
It didnt matter how tired we were, or how much sleep we had, we had to wake up every year on that birthday morning, and do this...
sometimes we would play a special song in the background, other times we would make WAY too much noise, most of the time one of us would argue with each other "shut up stupid, go get the cake idiot..." etc. but you know these are our memories. Our family, like most, or like all is far from perfect, but we love each other like crazy, and no matter how many years go by, no matter how different our lives have become, no matter how much we all have changed, no matter where we live, I KNOW that every birthday morning, our hearts are not with us, our hearts wake up next to that person, that one person that we love so deeply, that person in our FAMILIA.
TE AMO PAPA.
sucede que tu amor es como el viento, como el aire que respiro
nunca nos damos cuanta de lo que siempre hemos tenido
como un pajaro
que acaba de nacer
sus alas se estrechan
y aprende pronto a volar
bajo del siempre el ha estado
en silencio y en fortaleza
sosteniendole sus suenos
apoyandole sus alas
bajo sombra del ayer
sin reprochos
tu me amas
y me ensenaste a levantarme
cuando torpe yo cai
tu promesa
la has mantenido
siempre a mi lado,
ha estado un viento,
un aire,
un amigo,
un hombre,
mi papa.
ahora yo...
te dedico una promesa
que no importa el tiempo, ni la distancia
aunque mi cuerpo estubiera ausente
mi corazon siempre estara
junto de ti.levantandote cada manana
como los pajaros
que tanto cantancon su ruido,
yo estare.y que recuerdes siempre,
nuestros viajes a celaya,nuestros recuerdos
las alegrias y peleas
nuestros triunfos y dolores
que sigamos siempre, asi
queriendonos
cada
dia
mas...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
bills & tea
Once again, I'm up at 3 am.
I'm sooooooooo tired, but my mind just refuses to sleep. So my task for this early morning is to finish our house bills, and maybe, just maybe, actually get started on our taxes (eeeek!). I finally finished my dissertation proposal! yey! well a first draft that is..but hey, its a huuuuge accomplishment given how much I'd been avoiding to write lately. So now, that that's done and over with..I get to wait in anticipation and anxiety for my professor's revisions and edits...hopefully, everything goes well! (fingers crossed). So given the fact that I'm on this productivity route, I figure that it's time to stop avoiding our house bills and get them taken care of.
I'm also so behind on cleaning, which is really frustrating because I can't stand messy spaces :(, the house is a wreck and it pretty much reflects the chaotic nature of the last couple of days. My hubby is still sick, and it's really taken a toll on us. I hate to see him this way, poor guy, he looks so tired and in pain. I hate illness, it's like an uninvited guest who just show up and doesn't even bother to ask if you are busy. I just hope he gets well soon, I miss his dumb jokes and vibrant energy, he always makes me feel so alive. But for now, it's up to me to be the strong one and take care of us. I love him so much and I know this is just one of those dumb sick periods that will go away soon, but god, I can't wait till it does!
Alright, here I go again...off to my bills, tea making, and putting our house back together...
I'm sooooooooo tired, but my mind just refuses to sleep. So my task for this early morning is to finish our house bills, and maybe, just maybe, actually get started on our taxes (eeeek!). I finally finished my dissertation proposal! yey! well a first draft that is..but hey, its a huuuuge accomplishment given how much I'd been avoiding to write lately. So now, that that's done and over with..I get to wait in anticipation and anxiety for my professor's revisions and edits...hopefully, everything goes well! (fingers crossed). So given the fact that I'm on this productivity route, I figure that it's time to stop avoiding our house bills and get them taken care of.
I'm also so behind on cleaning, which is really frustrating because I can't stand messy spaces :(, the house is a wreck and it pretty much reflects the chaotic nature of the last couple of days. My hubby is still sick, and it's really taken a toll on us. I hate to see him this way, poor guy, he looks so tired and in pain. I hate illness, it's like an uninvited guest who just show up and doesn't even bother to ask if you are busy. I just hope he gets well soon, I miss his dumb jokes and vibrant energy, he always makes me feel so alive. But for now, it's up to me to be the strong one and take care of us. I love him so much and I know this is just one of those dumb sick periods that will go away soon, but god, I can't wait till it does!
Alright, here I go again...off to my bills, tea making, and putting our house back together...
Monday, February 28, 2011
insomnia
Alright, it's 5:06 am and I have been awake for at least three hours.
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
February Fatigue
Being pregnant has made me so very happy and yet at the same time filled me with an inmmense amount of frustrations, worries, and um, lazyness.
okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself. I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am. just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...
i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason.
The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics. And, I'm officially married to one. My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops. My mother, just the same, she is always up to something. Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!
So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...
my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!
problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(
okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself. I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am. just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...
so as i was saying...i clearly remember the days where i would do do do and no matter what time of day it was, it seemed i always had the energy for more...
perhaps it's just my age?
i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason.
The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics. And, I'm officially married to one. My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops. My mother, just the same, she is always up to something. Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!
So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...
my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!
problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(
so...im screwed. or at the very least...fatigued.
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