My Birth Story

Well it's been a little over 11 months since I last posted on here..the truth is that I've been dying to write but every time I got started something kept me from writing

I suppose I dreaded the idea of talking about labor...it was so much to deal with that I just wanted to move on and focus on the outcome, which was my beautiful son; Ray Emerson

...I suppose that it took me a while to process the revolution that occurs when you have your first baby, and even more so to process what occurred during labor...

but my mind works in a certain way, and I know that I will never write in this blog again if I don't first address, i.e. record my birth/ labor story...

so here it is....

The great news is that I delivered a healthy baby boy a day before my birthday, exactly on my due date, on June 3rd! it was the happiest moment of my life!

the strange news is that my birthing experience was beautiful, crazy, horrible, traumatic, and extremely painful! but it was all worth it!! and I wouldn't have changed a thing. not one.

It all began very nicely, I went into labor on June 2nd around 10 am, my water broke and I began having contractions, I called Ray and he immediately rushed home...he was truly wonderful the entire time ;)...when Ray got home, we called the birth center and were told to come in to verify that my water had broke, we were told everything was fine and that we could go home, we stopped at trader joes and ray got off and got us some food, when he got in the car i told him that i didnt feel well and so he drove us back home where we could be comfortable, things began to speed up fairly quickly...and i was unable to eat a bite because the pain became intolerable...we labored at home till contractions were fairly close together and lasting about a minute each...we freaked out and decided to go back to the birth center to set up, we arrived there a few minutes before 5 pm, when we got there one of the nurses was kind of rude and told us that we should go home and labor there until we were in active labor, when we explained that we were in active labor..she gave us a strange grin as if she didn't believe us....but allowed us to stay once she realized the proximity and length of my contractions...till this point I had not had a single ultrasound or used the doppler, so some of the midwives were very nervous asking me to reconsider getting one, I continued to refuse but was told they needed to monitor the heartbeat at the very least every now and then to make sure the baby was okay...which we agreed to do...at that point I was so very scared with all the things they tell you.  We chose a birthing room with a big bathtub and we labored in multiple positions, we used the bouncing ball, the bed, on my knees, and eventually the water, it was truly a beautiful experience, we had our music, and the nurse and midwife that attended me were incredible...they were like angels comforting me and supporting us in the process, the warm water felt so wonderful and eased the pain and pressure I felt on my back, by 11 pm I was fully dialated to 10 cm without medications, neither Ray nor I could believe it! we almost could see the finish line, I then began to push, and push, and push...the midwife asked us if we wanted a photo, and we were so unbelievably excited, the pain was unbearable but the joy and anticipation of holding our little one kept us going.  But then, we hit a roadblock, after pushing and pushing into 1 or 2 in the morning, the midwife advised that I needed to rest and take a break that I had been pushing for way too long and that my body was drained...so she asked if she could inject me with some medication to get me to sleep...I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I happily complied.  Ray and I finally got some rest and we were able to sleep till the early morning, maybe four in the morning, the pain was super awful by that point..I labored again, went in the shower, and pushed in the birthing stool as hard as I could push, the midwife was amazing tried in all possible ways to help me push that baby, and even tried to maneuver him out with her hands, but we realized soon enough that he was stuck..every time I pushed he would come down and then go back up if that makes any sense, my midwife concluded that baby's head was sideways and would not be pushed out naturally given the length of our laboring.she told me that he had turned his head sideways, and that they were going to have to transfer me to the hospital, at that point it was almost 10 am, I was in the most pain I have ever been in my entire life, prior to hearing the word hospital, I felt like I could handle it because there appeared to be an end to the journey, the end being the birth of my child, I was running on all the adrenaline and excitement of labor, but once I learned that the baby was stuck, I suddenly felt weak and vulnerable and so afraid.  So we got in our car and Ray drove us as fast as he could to the emergency room.  I was then transferred to tmc, at which point my pain intensified and my tolerance was null, it was so mentally difficult, that after laboring to completion  naturally i then experienced the full length of a hospital stay, all the technology, epidural, etc., the etc was the toughest to accept, doctor said pushing longer than two hours was not recommended, my midwife asked the doctor if it would help to give me pitocin, but the doctor said it would not help and he would not prescribe to me because he said it would be malpractice, that the only way at this point baby would come out safely would be with a caesarean...im not sure if this is true, but to be honest at that point, I was done, I was exhausted, I just wanted to see my baby and the fear of jeopardizing his safety was frightening.  they told me that his head was hitting against my pelvis, that every time I pushed that I was essentially experiencing back labor and that just the way head was faced it would not be pushed out and worried about baby becoming stressed w such a long labor, midwife said she agreed.  Ray and I talked for a while, I cried and cried and Ray comforted me telling me he was so very proud of me, that he loved me and that everything was going to be okay.  I cannot emphasize enough what a wonderful labor coach Ray was, what an amazing person he is, how much he held me and made me feel strong and special, how much strength I drew from him,\\\\\\\[=-\-\  We then called our family, who had no idea at that point that we had gone into labor and we told them what was going on.  Before I knew it I was in surgery and by 3:15 pm, my little one was born...I heard his wonderful cry and then screamed and screamed for Ray to tell them to let me see my baby...the damn doctors took their sweet time and wouldnt show him to me, Ray came over and kissed me on the head and told me "my love, he is perfect" I cried and smiled and cried some more...then they showed him to me and wheeled me away to my room...hospitals are so evil..why the hell do they not let you hold him right away...i know they do with natural labor, but with caesareans they take the baby and it feels awful! he's yours damnit! thankfully, ray stayed with him, they did respect my birth plan and didnt do any stupid tests and brought him straight to the bedroom with me, when I arrived to my room, my parents were there waiting for me, i saw my moms face and i felt this natural bond and need to hold her, she told me everything was okay, i was then allowed to breastfeed and hold my ray emerson, it was such a beautiful experience, he absolutely knew exactly what to do, I was so happy despite feeling so damn numb from the freaking epidural, and then the family began pouring in, everyone came out to see us, it was a crazy experience and indeed i guess i'm really proud of us...ray and i are a team, and i love him (i absolutely love him) and even more so i'm in love with our son, we are a family :')

Writing about you

words often exist before ever having been written

it's been almost two years now, and I am just beginning to reconcile the whirlwind experience that mothering becomes, like a tornado being a mother engulfs you, swallows you whole and takes over every aspect of you

your thoughts no longer belong to you

they are no longer a part of you

your words, your language it too escapes you,

all you see is this new person 

their tiny feet and little hands 

their ambitious smile and pondering mind

i longed so long to be your mother my ray emerson

and it's been such an unbelievable ride that i never want to fall out of

the rough nights without sleep, countless runny noses and ear infections, you have awakened in me a fear i never knew was possible

a fear of never wanting anything to ever happen to you, to ever hurt you

and then from the torment and labor of it all is a smile, a laugh, that makes the world just right, that makes everything just perfect 

so much has happened that I wish i could record about you

i feel like already i have failed you in not jotting down every little wonderful thing you ever did, of which there were many, and in making notes about every cute thing you ever said, every wonderful sound you ever made

but the thing with time is that it always moves forward

too late

i guess i always figured that these moment were engrained my brain and somehow i could always go back and remember

but the days continue to go by and you become even more increasingly precious

i realize that this list has grown so long that i must, i need to write it down because my heart can no longer contain all you do to make this world a better place just by being you

also i suppose it was my own inexperience, the novelty of it all coupled with the challenges of being a new parent...i always felt like i was juggling so much that enjoying it seemed sufficient

but now that i think i'm getting the hang of this being a mom thing..i think it's only right that i share/record all that you have done to change my life, for the better

it seems fitting to begin writing, about you again...just now...a few days before our birthdays

you are currently looking more and more like a big boy, about to be 2!

you are now wearing pull-ups

you can tell me when you went potty

you love choo choo trains so very much it's insane

you now tell me to take you to the mall to ride the train

you love minnie mouse, mickey too-- you call him miska but esp. minnie 

my favorite thing to hear you say is "Mommy...?" you say it in a way as to seek reassurance, just for the sake of hearing me say..yes, ray or que, papi?  then you turn around and continue on with whatever you were doing

you love fideo, beans, tortillas, and cumbias

you dance, and its so contagious..that every time i watch you i want to dance myself

when you dont want to do something you let the world know..either by screaming it loudly or saying "no, not yet"

you are now able to chant "si se puede" and you love it!

you also chant "asu" and can recognize the university even from many streets away

you love sparky but still afraid to get too close to him

baseball, you watch with admiration and long to play, this makes your daddy so very happy

you are very athletic, you run so very fast and love to climb on top of everything

i sing to you at nights and you love to hold me before you go to sleep

you also love to read books, particularly the thomas books and that's not my train!

you are now counting and even have begun singing the abc's!

you love un elefante se columpiaba...and tonight you laughed hysterically during our reading of the cat in the hat in spanish, when i read the word "pum!" 

i would pay anything to relive that small instant of wonder and joy that emerged from your glossy and bright beautiful eyes

te quiero mucho mi ray

eres mi mundo entero

i can't wait for your birthday, you are going to be two very very soon, and im so excited for you! you sing happy birthday "arman ray" almost everyday and i know its going to be absolutely super special!

so many words existed before you were ever born, and with your birth the words seemed meaningless, nothing seemed good enough to describe you, it has taken me two years to be able to write about you, i know in my heart these lines will always fall short, they will always lack..but nonetheless im happy to begin to try-- because these moments that I'm living with you...i can't afford to ever forget