I am officially 17 weeks pregnant and feel so excited and yet so incredibly terrified all at once. I suppose my mind should be focused on the joys of the holiday season, or saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming the new year of 2011. But, it's not. Most of my thoughts are centered around one little person; my unborn 17 week baby.
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Last Two Weeks
The last two weeks have been absolutely crazy and exhausting and I just can't wait for December to be over! Seriously! I am just soooooooooooooooo tired.
It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.
But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success! Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect. The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch." We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne. The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:) The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes. Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it!
We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City. But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me. I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!! Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...
i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!
And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....
It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.
But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success! Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect. The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch." We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne. The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:) The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes. Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it!
We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City. But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me. I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!! Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...
i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!
And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
UP - d o w n
So despite all my fears for a depressing and catastrophic thanksgiving..it all turned out to be a surprisingly wonderful holiday weekend. I had an amazing time cooking with my dad and getting schooled on the proper way to cut an onion...it was amazing! it was so good to be with my husband and thank god for all the ups and downs that life can bring us...in one year had a new job twice, moved twice, and got pregnant twice, not to mention losing Rudy. Not everyone we love was present at our thanksgiving table..but it was a beautiful table and they were definitely present in our hearts. We ate a gazillion amount of food...it is almost sinful if you think about it..but it was what it was and we loved it. By the end of the night everyone crashed tired as can be, there was no dancing as there usually is...but that's okay. There was enough dancing of flavors in our mouth as it was, any more movement would have ended in a painful and regretful experience....:)
Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about. Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time. My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts! (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!
The next day, my mother in law came down to see us. This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together. We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite). We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall.
Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate. I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine. You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense. Before you know it you feel so insignificant. That's life I guess.
So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program. I hate them! Literally. They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it. Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.
So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal. I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...
so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?
That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)
Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about. Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time. My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts! (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!
The next day, my mother in law came down to see us. This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together. We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite). We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall.
Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate. I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine. You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense. Before you know it you feel so insignificant. That's life I guess.
So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program. I hate them! Literally. They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it. Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.
So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal. I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...
so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?
and so...my most recent accomplishment...butternut squash soup....yumm! just waiting for hubby to come in and say husband home! so we can dive in....
That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Holidays
Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!
and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's. Yup, the holidays are here! Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays. I don't know what it is exactly. Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family. Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.
Not this year.
Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated. The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.
Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st. Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas. The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation. Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch?
To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house. That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys. Dilemma solved right? Wrong.
Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt.
I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays? In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself. I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...
aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....
and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's. Yup, the holidays are here! Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays. I don't know what it is exactly. Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family. Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.
Not this year.
Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated. The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.
Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st. Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas. The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation. Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch?
To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house. That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys. Dilemma solved right? Wrong.
Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt.
I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays? In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself. I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...
aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Santa Fe
Despite how sad life can seem sometimes, the truth is that I feel so lucky to wake up everyday and live.
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe. My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job. So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe.
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.
I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months. I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up. Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel. After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!
This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra. In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle. I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food. They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.
And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here. I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way. I even feel like drawing or watercoloring. It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again. I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.
Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe. We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday. It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it. The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.
So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long. Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower. After that its baby names and baby registry. So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).
a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:
..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe. My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job. So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe.
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.
I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months. I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up. Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel. After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!
This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra. In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle. I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food. They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.
And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here. I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way. I even feel like drawing or watercoloring. It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again. I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.
Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe. We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday. It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it. The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.
So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long. Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower. After that its baby names and baby registry. So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).
a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:
..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....
Monday, November 15, 2010
11 weeks
I'm officially 11 weeks pregnant and all I can say is; thank God. The nausea and crazy fatigue is slowly wearing off and I am anxiously envisioning the finish line to this first trimester. God how scared I am each time I think about it. I keep hoping that if I survive the first trimester that somehow I will feel better and things will feel a little less scary. but the truth is that i think this crazy feeling of uncertainty is not going away anytime soon.
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby
I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...
Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is...
All I want for Christmas is you... baby
Last night I fell into tears out of literally no where. I was watching tv with my husband, just loving life, feeling so good and secure as i rested in his arms. we were watching some dumb commercials and I began to say how excited I was for xmas time, particularly the xmas carols on the radio. And that was it...that simple thought spurred a series of memories from exactly 13 months ago. I remember hearing and singing along to Maria Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" and the song made me cry. The thing is that when I first heard it I told ray that this was my song for our baby Rudy. that all i wanted for xmas was to see our little baby rudy be born...
its almost been a year since i was pregnant with Rudy, it was December of 2009. and now almost xmas time again and i swear i can sing the same song, but i'm scared.
i want so badly for this wish to come true this time. i dont want to miscarry again....dear god, please help me.....the most painful part is that i wanted so badly for rudy to be born, and i miss my little angel..no matter how happy i am to be expecting again, to be 11 weeks, i can't help but to still feel sad for the loss of my first baby. i will always think of him/her this time of year...and so i guess i will sing this song again...because it's beautiful and so true for me today and always...all i want for xmas is YOU...baby...
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby
I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...
Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
You
All I want for Christmas is you... baby
Thursday, November 4, 2010
soooooooooooooo much has happened part 2
Tucson here we come!
so part of the reason(s) i've been so out of it..is because one i'm pregnant..and 2, as of sept 21st we had to begin a desperate search for a house in Tucson, asap, help get our house in bisbee rented, and after that spend pretty much everyday packing and getting ready for our big move!
but we did it! we left the beautiful and gorgeous city of Bisbee on october 16th, 2010!
the pregnancy fatigue had began to kick in and my usual energetic 'can handle it all' self was pretty much a gonner...but to the rescue came my awesome sister yesica. She came down to Bisbee for about a week..and really helped us get it done..and we did...we packed everything up just in time for our move...
it was a crazy ride...but we are now happily moved in to our new home...
it was actually really sad..because i do do love love love bisbee..it is a beautiful place full of charm and natural beauty...not to mention the people that you meet...the volunteers at the migrant center were some of the nicest people i've ever know...people con corazon..and i am going to miss them...but still...i wont deny that it was equally exciting to begin yet another journey with my husband....
my new house does not have the exagerado..gorgeous view of the mountains staring at me from the window...but there are certainly some wonderful perks...
for one...i now have a huge walk in closet :) and since i love to cook...my kitchen is so freaking beautiful! it even has an island! and finally...the best part is that i have a bathtub!! i am literally obsessed with water...i think i was a fish in another life..because i can spend hours in the shower...and so a bathtub...its like a xmas present, everytime you use it...for reals!
anyhow this pretty much wraps up all the recent news...
oh yeah..one more thing...we have a snake behind our house...not on purpose..it just showed up..but some people say its good luck so im not about to mess with it...let the good luck pour in...:)
so part of the reason(s) i've been so out of it..is because one i'm pregnant..and 2, as of sept 21st we had to begin a desperate search for a house in Tucson, asap, help get our house in bisbee rented, and after that spend pretty much everyday packing and getting ready for our big move!
but we did it! we left the beautiful and gorgeous city of Bisbee on october 16th, 2010!
the pregnancy fatigue had began to kick in and my usual energetic 'can handle it all' self was pretty much a gonner...but to the rescue came my awesome sister yesica. She came down to Bisbee for about a week..and really helped us get it done..and we did...we packed everything up just in time for our move...
it was a crazy ride...but we are now happily moved in to our new home...
it was actually really sad..because i do do love love love bisbee..it is a beautiful place full of charm and natural beauty...not to mention the people that you meet...the volunteers at the migrant center were some of the nicest people i've ever know...people con corazon..and i am going to miss them...but still...i wont deny that it was equally exciting to begin yet another journey with my husband....
my new house does not have the exagerado..gorgeous view of the mountains staring at me from the window...but there are certainly some wonderful perks...
for one...i now have a huge walk in closet :) and since i love to cook...my kitchen is so freaking beautiful! it even has an island! and finally...the best part is that i have a bathtub!! i am literally obsessed with water...i think i was a fish in another life..because i can spend hours in the shower...and so a bathtub...its like a xmas present, everytime you use it...for reals!
anyhow this pretty much wraps up all the recent news...
oh yeah..one more thing...we have a snake behind our house...not on purpose..it just showed up..but some people say its good luck so im not about to mess with it...let the good luck pour in...:)
sooooooooooo much has happened....part 1
Jeez...I feel like its been forever since I last wrote on here..I know that everyone who starts a blog..has one or two of these type of posts...but seriously...it's been absolutely crazy these last couple of months that I have no idea where to begin...my life has literally been turned upside down..but in incredible & wonderful ways...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...
I'M PREGNANT!
ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...
anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...
simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...
we felt so doomed in every which way possible...
but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!
it feels so magical...
i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...
i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..
i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...
i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.
anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...
still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)
so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!
we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...
I'M PREGNANT!
ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...
anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...
simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...
we felt so doomed in every which way possible...
but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!
it feels so magical...
i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...
i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..
i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...
i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.
anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...
still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)
so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!
we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...
Our Anniversario...
This is a belated post...i've been so out of it lately...but i wanted to go ahead and hit publish on this old entry i had saved in my drafts...so here it is...more posts coming soon....
Sometimes i feel so grateful that despite all the shit that sometimes crowds my thoughts and my life...i'm extremely lucky...because no matter what goes down...i know that right beside me there is this amazing person...who will look at me like i'm nuts and love me anyway...his name is Ray, but for the last two years i have had the privilege of calling him "my husband," and damn does that feel so good!
It has meant that I have a best friend who will love me when I'm at my best and won't completely hate me when I'm at my worst, it has meant that when I least expect it, I will be surprized, hugged, loved, spoiled, and best of all understood.
This last Tuesday, August 24th, we celebrated our two year anniversary.
Our intention or the plan was that we were going to celebrate this upcoming weekend since it landed on a Tuesday, but Ray surprized me by taking the day off of work and we made a day of it in Tucson. My words cannot even begin to capture how happy he made me.
Monday afternoon I received a text from Ray stating "are you ready for a mission?"
Confused, I replied "sure...what's going on..." my initial thoughts were that he needed me to run an errand for him or something related to our bills..I'm not sure I was completely not thinking...
So next thing you know he states...once again..."i said are you ready for a mission..yes or no"
so i told him yes and he replied "okay then..your first task is to pack our bags with one change of clothes/toothbrushes, etc., you must complete this by 3 pm" So...I agreed, and next thing you know..we are driving into the sunset like lovers. It was absolutely wonderful. We went to the melting pot and stuffed ourselves with chocolate and cheese. The rest is history :)
i love love love my hubby.
Sometimes i feel so grateful that despite all the shit that sometimes crowds my thoughts and my life...i'm extremely lucky...because no matter what goes down...i know that right beside me there is this amazing person...who will look at me like i'm nuts and love me anyway...his name is Ray, but for the last two years i have had the privilege of calling him "my husband," and damn does that feel so good!
It has meant that I have a best friend who will love me when I'm at my best and won't completely hate me when I'm at my worst, it has meant that when I least expect it, I will be surprized, hugged, loved, spoiled, and best of all understood.
This last Tuesday, August 24th, we celebrated our two year anniversary.
Our intention or the plan was that we were going to celebrate this upcoming weekend since it landed on a Tuesday, but Ray surprized me by taking the day off of work and we made a day of it in Tucson. My words cannot even begin to capture how happy he made me.
Monday afternoon I received a text from Ray stating "are you ready for a mission?"
Confused, I replied "sure...what's going on..." my initial thoughts were that he needed me to run an errand for him or something related to our bills..I'm not sure I was completely not thinking...
So next thing you know he states...once again..."i said are you ready for a mission..yes or no"
so i told him yes and he replied "okay then..your first task is to pack our bags with one change of clothes/toothbrushes, etc., you must complete this by 3 pm" So...I agreed, and next thing you know..we are driving into the sunset like lovers. It was absolutely wonderful. We went to the melting pot and stuffed ourselves with chocolate and cheese. The rest is history :)
i love love love my hubby.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Shared Environments
The weekend has ended.
As I sat here getting ready to doze off into a restful sleep, I felt the sudden urge to reflect for a moment, and well, write. It's just that this weekend was particularly special. I didn't do anything of great significance or anything but rather I guess I am just loving the way I felt these last couple of days. It's almost like if I felt myself growing...or at least beginning to chip away at the edges of uncertainty that many of us know way too very well.
I had picked up the Bisbee Observer, a local newspaper that detailed upcoming community events, and was suddenly inspired to go hiking. The paper detailed a guided walk to a ranch (I can't quite recall the name) and the other was a guided walk in the San Pedro River. One was at 7 am on Saturday and the other was at 8 am, also on Saturday. Though I love mornings, we ended up going to the 8 am one because we were way too tired to wake up on time for the 7 am.
So as I was saying, the walk was a guided tour of the San Pedro River and it was free! Though we had both been there before and absolutely loved it, we thought it might be a good idea to learn a little about this beautiful place, I call it the place with the trees and Ray knows I'm talking about the river. So there we were. Lucky for us no one else showed up so we had the guides all to ourselves, they gave us so much information, and encouraged us to ask as many questions as possible and even asked what our interests where so they could taylor what they shared with us to meet our interests.
They shared that there are many people this time of year who come out to see the birds, and so they focus on all the information about birds, and then there's others who come for the plants, or whose interests are focused on the cultural history of the place, or who are archeologists, or people interested in the water, or in the insects, and that depending on what we were interested in there was wealth of information to share. At first, I had no idea what to say...I mean first I would have to ask myself...why am I interested? and second, what am I interested in? I had no answer for myself so I was silent. My instinct was that I just found the place beautiful but I was unsure if that was a good enough answer. Lucky for me Ray jumped in and said..well we are interested in the history. and I was.
So the walk began. The guides are all volunteers and they call themselves "Friends of the San Pedro River." They are extremely knowledgeable, and super kind. Slowly they began to point out a series of details, about the kind of grasses that grow there and which ones are native to the area and which ones are not. Then they began to point out particular insects, and then they pointed out these checkered butterflies that I had not even noticed. They pointed out the mequite trees and how they grow in bosques, or woodlands, and the cottonwood trees and how they rely on the water of the river. Then they showed us these birds and the seeds of certain plants. With each step we took a new detail about our surroundings was unveiled, sounds that were previously dormant began to dance around in my ears, images and details I had glanced over became crystal clear and even my nose began to notice a myriad of smells and scents that slowly triggered my curiousity and mind to wander. This layer of sensory experiences was then followed by a series of details about the cultural history of the people and the animals that had existed and lived in this area before.
And then out of all of it...reflection kicked in. The guides were showing us the many ways in which all of those individual elements of nature were so very alive and interconnected, how each insect, each grass piece, each bird, how they all share a relationship with each other, and the ways in which they rely on one another to accomplish their own existence. One example they mentioned, was regarding the birds, the birds use the San Pedro to migrate from north to south and from south to north (yes! despite the stupid border, birds migrate to and from Mexico too :)!). That without the water and the monsoons and the rain that maintains the river, the trees would not grow, so the birds would not have the shade, shelter, and food they need to migrate and survive.
I learned so much in just that moment. I know that I should know this but I guess knowing can have many layers and levels of comprehension. And I guess I had not realized it in the way that I realized it in that moment in time. I realized just then, after 30 years of existence, that our lives are shared. Our existence is a series of shared environments with so many different creatures, plants, and nature. We all depend on one another and we all have our own internal knowledge of fixing and defending and displaying and existing and problematizing what is needed and what nature requires of us. I've always believed that there's a shared energy in the world, but after saturday, I'm convinced that it goes beyond energy, its a shared existence, a shared environment with the world. And with that we share a responsibility with all these ecosystems. I learned that whenever a change occurs with one thing it affects intentionally and unintentionally a series of other things. So of course, given my passion for immigration, I can't help but wonder what great damage, environmentally, the border does to our shared environments. I wonder what animals can no longer migrate during harsh weather conditions, what they must think when they confront that steel wall. I wonder how confused they must feel upon that barrier, or if they simply find ways around it.
I could write pages and pages about all the neat factoids and realizations that came about that lovely morning, but my words would pale in comparison to actually experiencing, understanding, and most of all feeling what I felt in that moment. I was absolutely and positively present. I was with the trees and the birds and the butterflies, and the noises of the wind against the cottonwood trees, the sounds of the our guides voices, the steps of my husband's footsteps, I was so very present and felt so very alive.
So before I put myself to sleep, I guess I just wanted to write about this experience, it's definitely one I do not want to forget.
Oh..and it's worth noting that after that walk, (aside from the beauty of the place) I guess I have a series of things I know I'm interested in and I also know why...so much so that I had to pick up a book from the San Pedro House Bookstore...I was so fascinated and intrigued and excited, I wanted to learn more and more. I'll have to write an update about what I discover...but I'm so excited about the title: Conservation of Shared Environments: Learning from the United States and Mexico. One reviewer wrote "a comprehensive look at the challenges of conserving the interconnected ecosystems and migratory linkages shared by Mexico and the United States" (I can't wait to read it!)
but for now...in the words of my hubby...sleeeeeepy time...:)
As I sat here getting ready to doze off into a restful sleep, I felt the sudden urge to reflect for a moment, and well, write. It's just that this weekend was particularly special. I didn't do anything of great significance or anything but rather I guess I am just loving the way I felt these last couple of days. It's almost like if I felt myself growing...or at least beginning to chip away at the edges of uncertainty that many of us know way too very well.
I had picked up the Bisbee Observer, a local newspaper that detailed upcoming community events, and was suddenly inspired to go hiking. The paper detailed a guided walk to a ranch (I can't quite recall the name) and the other was a guided walk in the San Pedro River. One was at 7 am on Saturday and the other was at 8 am, also on Saturday. Though I love mornings, we ended up going to the 8 am one because we were way too tired to wake up on time for the 7 am.
So as I was saying, the walk was a guided tour of the San Pedro River and it was free! Though we had both been there before and absolutely loved it, we thought it might be a good idea to learn a little about this beautiful place, I call it the place with the trees and Ray knows I'm talking about the river. So there we were. Lucky for us no one else showed up so we had the guides all to ourselves, they gave us so much information, and encouraged us to ask as many questions as possible and even asked what our interests where so they could taylor what they shared with us to meet our interests.
They shared that there are many people this time of year who come out to see the birds, and so they focus on all the information about birds, and then there's others who come for the plants, or whose interests are focused on the cultural history of the place, or who are archeologists, or people interested in the water, or in the insects, and that depending on what we were interested in there was wealth of information to share. At first, I had no idea what to say...I mean first I would have to ask myself...why am I interested? and second, what am I interested in? I had no answer for myself so I was silent. My instinct was that I just found the place beautiful but I was unsure if that was a good enough answer. Lucky for me Ray jumped in and said..well we are interested in the history. and I was.
So the walk began. The guides are all volunteers and they call themselves "Friends of the San Pedro River." They are extremely knowledgeable, and super kind. Slowly they began to point out a series of details, about the kind of grasses that grow there and which ones are native to the area and which ones are not. Then they began to point out particular insects, and then they pointed out these checkered butterflies that I had not even noticed. They pointed out the mequite trees and how they grow in bosques, or woodlands, and the cottonwood trees and how they rely on the water of the river. Then they showed us these birds and the seeds of certain plants. With each step we took a new detail about our surroundings was unveiled, sounds that were previously dormant began to dance around in my ears, images and details I had glanced over became crystal clear and even my nose began to notice a myriad of smells and scents that slowly triggered my curiousity and mind to wander. This layer of sensory experiences was then followed by a series of details about the cultural history of the people and the animals that had existed and lived in this area before.
And then out of all of it...reflection kicked in. The guides were showing us the many ways in which all of those individual elements of nature were so very alive and interconnected, how each insect, each grass piece, each bird, how they all share a relationship with each other, and the ways in which they rely on one another to accomplish their own existence. One example they mentioned, was regarding the birds, the birds use the San Pedro to migrate from north to south and from south to north (yes! despite the stupid border, birds migrate to and from Mexico too :)!). That without the water and the monsoons and the rain that maintains the river, the trees would not grow, so the birds would not have the shade, shelter, and food they need to migrate and survive.
I learned so much in just that moment. I know that I should know this but I guess knowing can have many layers and levels of comprehension. And I guess I had not realized it in the way that I realized it in that moment in time. I realized just then, after 30 years of existence, that our lives are shared. Our existence is a series of shared environments with so many different creatures, plants, and nature. We all depend on one another and we all have our own internal knowledge of fixing and defending and displaying and existing and problematizing what is needed and what nature requires of us. I've always believed that there's a shared energy in the world, but after saturday, I'm convinced that it goes beyond energy, its a shared existence, a shared environment with the world. And with that we share a responsibility with all these ecosystems. I learned that whenever a change occurs with one thing it affects intentionally and unintentionally a series of other things. So of course, given my passion for immigration, I can't help but wonder what great damage, environmentally, the border does to our shared environments. I wonder what animals can no longer migrate during harsh weather conditions, what they must think when they confront that steel wall. I wonder how confused they must feel upon that barrier, or if they simply find ways around it.
I could write pages and pages about all the neat factoids and realizations that came about that lovely morning, but my words would pale in comparison to actually experiencing, understanding, and most of all feeling what I felt in that moment. I was absolutely and positively present. I was with the trees and the birds and the butterflies, and the noises of the wind against the cottonwood trees, the sounds of the our guides voices, the steps of my husband's footsteps, I was so very present and felt so very alive.
So before I put myself to sleep, I guess I just wanted to write about this experience, it's definitely one I do not want to forget.
Oh..and it's worth noting that after that walk, (aside from the beauty of the place) I guess I have a series of things I know I'm interested in and I also know why...so much so that I had to pick up a book from the San Pedro House Bookstore...I was so fascinated and intrigued and excited, I wanted to learn more and more. I'll have to write an update about what I discover...but I'm so excited about the title: Conservation of Shared Environments: Learning from the United States and Mexico. One reviewer wrote "a comprehensive look at the challenges of conserving the interconnected ecosystems and migratory linkages shared by Mexico and the United States" (I can't wait to read it!)
but for now...in the words of my hubby...sleeeeeepy time...:)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Waiting For You
Ever since I lost my baby, my Rudy, It's been rare the days that I don't think of or dream of him/her. I often wonder what he/she would look like. And then I cry or hurt some more. I'm convinced it was a boy.
I don't know why..I just always say he..when i think of him...but maybe that's just my own bias living in such a sexist society. I guess I'm prone to think of my baby as a male. In any case, I miss him/her, I really do.
And with all the excitement over the last couple of months..I'm finally beginning to want to try again. And so we have. I keep thinking that this next time things will be different. That I won't miscarry my little creation. God how I hate that term...miscarry...it so sounds like it was my fault..damn it..i would do anything to carry the next one the right way..if i only knew what that way was...i thought I was doing it all the last time..and I failed.
But this time, I know I have an edge...I have my little angel watching over the new baby to come...I know he will help me carry him right...
So yeah, we are trying again. I'm praying and hoping that we are successful and I actually conceive. And secondly, and most importantly that I don't miscarry.
I'm praying so much for a happy ending to this journey. god help me.
It's so painful for me to write about this, but I think I need to just let it out. With our first baby, I wanted to keep it a secret until I knew he was safe and boy did that blow up in my face, because all I want to do now is honor its existence, to say and yell...that he was here with us...and though i miscarried..it wasn't my fault..and i love my Rudy..and I will love the next baby..with so much love...and i won't hide it or be afraid..because fear is for cowards, and i have courage..and i have Rudy with me..and the next time..if i fail..i'll handle it..and i'll have not one angel watching over me..but two..and there's nothing wrong with that...because i rather be a fool with faith than a coward with fear...and so here are my thoughts...uncensored...and stupid..but mine all the same...
Here's something for my baby to be...
Dear Baby,
I hate this world.
I'm sorry I want so badly to bring you into it...but I promise I will bend over backwards to try to make your world something beautiful..something better than what I ever had
I know you don't exist yet..but the good news is that Rudy will take care of you once you do..
I know it. Rudy is with me each and every day..and his existence has brought me strength and perseverance i did not have before...
I want you to know that I'm waiting for you with so much anticipation and excitement...and love..lots and lots of love...
love that is coming from me, from your dad, and most importantly from your baby brother that though not alive lives more than ever inside my heart and soon yours...
te quiero..
your mom
I don't know why..I just always say he..when i think of him...but maybe that's just my own bias living in such a sexist society. I guess I'm prone to think of my baby as a male. In any case, I miss him/her, I really do.
And with all the excitement over the last couple of months..I'm finally beginning to want to try again. And so we have. I keep thinking that this next time things will be different. That I won't miscarry my little creation. God how I hate that term...miscarry...it so sounds like it was my fault..damn it..i would do anything to carry the next one the right way..if i only knew what that way was...i thought I was doing it all the last time..and I failed.
But this time, I know I have an edge...I have my little angel watching over the new baby to come...I know he will help me carry him right...
So yeah, we are trying again. I'm praying and hoping that we are successful and I actually conceive. And secondly, and most importantly that I don't miscarry.
I'm praying so much for a happy ending to this journey. god help me.
It's so painful for me to write about this, but I think I need to just let it out. With our first baby, I wanted to keep it a secret until I knew he was safe and boy did that blow up in my face, because all I want to do now is honor its existence, to say and yell...that he was here with us...and though i miscarried..it wasn't my fault..and i love my Rudy..and I will love the next baby..with so much love...and i won't hide it or be afraid..because fear is for cowards, and i have courage..and i have Rudy with me..and the next time..if i fail..i'll handle it..and i'll have not one angel watching over me..but two..and there's nothing wrong with that...because i rather be a fool with faith than a coward with fear...and so here are my thoughts...uncensored...and stupid..but mine all the same...
Here's something for my baby to be...
Dear Baby,
I hate this world.
I'm sorry I want so badly to bring you into it...but I promise I will bend over backwards to try to make your world something beautiful..something better than what I ever had
I know you don't exist yet..but the good news is that Rudy will take care of you once you do..
I know it. Rudy is with me each and every day..and his existence has brought me strength and perseverance i did not have before...
I want you to know that I'm waiting for you with so much anticipation and excitement...and love..lots and lots of love...
love that is coming from me, from your dad, and most importantly from your baby brother that though not alive lives more than ever inside my heart and soon yours...
te quiero..
your mom
Sin Gente
Summer days at the Naco Migrant Center have been pretty lonely. While in the spring the center was crowded and full of commotion..the recent days are filled with reflection and most of all, silence.
I always bring a book, but tend to spend most of my days talking with the other volunteers about the center and or exchanging our own theories about whether or not people are still crossing. We've concluded that they are, but that due to the repatriation efforts and new funding/programs, people are either not crossing through Naco or they are crossing but simply being repatriated through Nogales or flown back to Mexico City after being processed in Tucson. According to the volunteers who've been there longer, this summer silence is normal...
The heat is so unbearable that I'd like to convince myself that people stopped crossing but then one or two people come in and you realize this is not the case...people continue to cross...
Unfortunately, their stories are also harsher...one guy today expressed that he had been robbed and no longer had any money to return home or keep trying...he looked defeated...as if he had tried to conquer this huge beast and in his case, he had lost...
He asked me how long this repatriation was going to happen, whether enforcement was this hard all the time or just in the summer...he told me he just wanted to go home..but maybe in the fall, he would return and try again...
It's quite amazing to me..their strength...
I know I may sound like I'm objectifying or romanticizing but I'm not..I really see something truly special about people who migrate...they are not like everyone else...
most all the people i've met, their hearts are filled with hope and strength, lots of strength and perseverance...
amidst the many obstacles they face...they continue to try again...and again.
like a passionate love that doesn't die...their courage motivates me to love too...to love humanity...and our ability to fight so hard for a dream, to maintain hope when it's so hard to keep on
most everyone does it for their family or for the dream of "making it" or whatever that should mean...
And yet like love, hate also co-exists...in the background beautiful mountains and desert landscapes observe with indifference
millions of dollars, nativist hate groups, politicians, media, and innocent folk who buy into the rethoric...work together to ensure that the border, the coveted border will keep out the brown folks who are trying to come in...
Just this last weeked the so called Tea Party held a rally in Hereford, AZ, about 15 minutes away from Bisbee and Sierra Vista. We organized a counter protest in opposition of their rally. It was awesome...Just to make the statement that they weren't welcomed.
Supporters, in their red white and blue gear drove in with their out of town license plates...to claim ownership of a land they hardly know or recognize...to urge enforcement of the "illegals" who are "invading" their country...
It's quite funny, actually.
Land.
People feel so entitled to claim it...and yet..they hardly take the time to really get to know it..to explore it..to imprint their existance upon it...Land. yup. Land.
Migrants spend hours getting familiar with the desert, they walk and walk for days on their journey up north...they risk their lives in that land...their spirit resonates in the air...in the gravel, and the many paths that thousands have walked upon...
and like nothing...strangers to this particular land..arrive in their trucks, and suv's with their clever bumper stickers and american flags...to gather..to talk about how they can make the lives' of migrants so difficult, so unbearable, that they'll want to leave...
little do they realize that if the desert didn't defeat them..their ridiculous laws won't either..
sb1070 has brought so much attention to the immigration issue...and yet the border and militirization continues to be a non-issue for advocates...no instead it's all about racial profiling and getting out the vote...we encourage and lie to ourselves that the next candidate won't be a shmuck, but who are we kidding? i hate politicians..i really do...morons without a conscience...all they care about is winning...and then there's the dream act people...message being..let's give the students a chance...and screw everyone else...truly selfish and individualistic messaging...but oh well...i guess i too would be happy to get something rather than nothing...and i do like the dream act..just dont like the whole "stand alone" bill deal...
in any case im glad sb 1070 happened..its truly about time that these injustices came to the forefront, even if through something as awful as sb1070, perhaps that's my privilege talking, but even friends who are undocumented are truly sick of marching without results...at least this blatant attack can stir some action....i just hope its for the benefit of our people...
And then there's the border patrol...can you believe they are now checking people before going into Mexico? Yes...they are..the US is checking people for papers before they leave the states to go into mexico! is it not our right to effen leave when we freaking want to? damn it...just another sign or illustration of their power...and how much its effen growing...(i have a lot more to say..but i'll come back to this) clearly i'm angry...but how can we avoid it..when people are dying over a childish game of this is mine and that is yours...couldn't we all get the point back in kinder garden? it's okay to s h a r e!
pero bueno...enough of my ranting...my only point is that it's been quite an experience volunteering at the migrant center, even when there's no people to help...there's always so much to reflect upon...the irony of it all...con o sin gente
I always bring a book, but tend to spend most of my days talking with the other volunteers about the center and or exchanging our own theories about whether or not people are still crossing. We've concluded that they are, but that due to the repatriation efforts and new funding/programs, people are either not crossing through Naco or they are crossing but simply being repatriated through Nogales or flown back to Mexico City after being processed in Tucson. According to the volunteers who've been there longer, this summer silence is normal...
The heat is so unbearable that I'd like to convince myself that people stopped crossing but then one or two people come in and you realize this is not the case...people continue to cross...
Unfortunately, their stories are also harsher...one guy today expressed that he had been robbed and no longer had any money to return home or keep trying...he looked defeated...as if he had tried to conquer this huge beast and in his case, he had lost...
He asked me how long this repatriation was going to happen, whether enforcement was this hard all the time or just in the summer...he told me he just wanted to go home..but maybe in the fall, he would return and try again...
It's quite amazing to me..their strength...
I know I may sound like I'm objectifying or romanticizing but I'm not..I really see something truly special about people who migrate...they are not like everyone else...
most all the people i've met, their hearts are filled with hope and strength, lots of strength and perseverance...
amidst the many obstacles they face...they continue to try again...and again.
like a passionate love that doesn't die...their courage motivates me to love too...to love humanity...and our ability to fight so hard for a dream, to maintain hope when it's so hard to keep on
most everyone does it for their family or for the dream of "making it" or whatever that should mean...
And yet like love, hate also co-exists...in the background beautiful mountains and desert landscapes observe with indifference
millions of dollars, nativist hate groups, politicians, media, and innocent folk who buy into the rethoric...work together to ensure that the border, the coveted border will keep out the brown folks who are trying to come in...
Just this last weeked the so called Tea Party held a rally in Hereford, AZ, about 15 minutes away from Bisbee and Sierra Vista. We organized a counter protest in opposition of their rally. It was awesome...Just to make the statement that they weren't welcomed.
Supporters, in their red white and blue gear drove in with their out of town license plates...to claim ownership of a land they hardly know or recognize...to urge enforcement of the "illegals" who are "invading" their country...
It's quite funny, actually.
Land.
People feel so entitled to claim it...and yet..they hardly take the time to really get to know it..to explore it..to imprint their existance upon it...Land. yup. Land.
Migrants spend hours getting familiar with the desert, they walk and walk for days on their journey up north...they risk their lives in that land...their spirit resonates in the air...in the gravel, and the many paths that thousands have walked upon...
and like nothing...strangers to this particular land..arrive in their trucks, and suv's with their clever bumper stickers and american flags...to gather..to talk about how they can make the lives' of migrants so difficult, so unbearable, that they'll want to leave...
little do they realize that if the desert didn't defeat them..their ridiculous laws won't either..
sb1070 has brought so much attention to the immigration issue...and yet the border and militirization continues to be a non-issue for advocates...no instead it's all about racial profiling and getting out the vote...we encourage and lie to ourselves that the next candidate won't be a shmuck, but who are we kidding? i hate politicians..i really do...morons without a conscience...all they care about is winning...and then there's the dream act people...message being..let's give the students a chance...and screw everyone else...truly selfish and individualistic messaging...but oh well...i guess i too would be happy to get something rather than nothing...and i do like the dream act..just dont like the whole "stand alone" bill deal...
in any case im glad sb 1070 happened..its truly about time that these injustices came to the forefront, even if through something as awful as sb1070, perhaps that's my privilege talking, but even friends who are undocumented are truly sick of marching without results...at least this blatant attack can stir some action....i just hope its for the benefit of our people...
And then there's the border patrol...can you believe they are now checking people before going into Mexico? Yes...they are..the US is checking people for papers before they leave the states to go into mexico! is it not our right to effen leave when we freaking want to? damn it...just another sign or illustration of their power...and how much its effen growing...(i have a lot more to say..but i'll come back to this) clearly i'm angry...but how can we avoid it..when people are dying over a childish game of this is mine and that is yours...couldn't we all get the point back in kinder garden? it's okay to s h a r e!
pero bueno...enough of my ranting...my only point is that it's been quite an experience volunteering at the migrant center, even when there's no people to help...there's always so much to reflect upon...the irony of it all...con o sin gente
Going Home
The month of july was crazy hectic and yet so amazingly beautiful...so much has happened that this post will probably be all over the place, but that's ok...
rambling is good from time to time..(so i tell myself)
Bisbee weather was absolutely amazing for most of July, flowers started blooming once again, and then of course the smell of rain against the dirt is so absolutely unforgetable...my favorite part, however, is the deep greys and blues that dress the sunsets and skyscapes in the afternoons...i wish i could cherish each and every one of those moments and or put them in some sort of scrapbook to take with me no matter where I go...I suppose there's always the camara...but though I'm fond of photos I don't believe that even a photo can capture the gracious beauty of experiencing it all...for one i think our senses simply don't function as well in isolation...i.e. you can view a beautiful image..but to couple that vision with sound and smell..and even taste..it's something different...perhaps only the mind can store it away in a place where maybe memory alone can find it...but with time memories fade...and then they're gone
oh i don't know..i've been feeling kind of melancholic and lethargic...so i guess the weather is a good place to begin...and then of course there was mexico
with that alone i should be super happy...but everytime something good happens, there's always it's counter opposite, and then there's you...in the middle of it all...
i had the most amazing trip...i took a one week vacation to my hometown (Salvatierra, Guanajuato, Mex) with my family. It was super fun...but most of all it felt like a relief...a sort of going home feeling for me...
though i now live in the states...i'm not sure I will ever feel like this is my home...my home is salvatierra...
no doubt about it...
yet i don't know why..i mean..i've lived in arizona for most of my life...i only lived in guanajuato till I was eight...i'm now 30...so you do the math...
anyhow...we drove for about 24 hours until we arrived at our destination...this is a picture of the road there...
strangely enough..i believe this is the one and only picture I took...i kept relying on others in my family to take picutres...i so regret this...but anyway...the minute we got there I instantly felt like crying...i was so emotional..i just love the streets of salvatierra...life seems so simple there...
anywho..i tried to make the best of the time i had there...we arrived on a friday..and spent the afternoon with my aunt alta and my cousins, then of course, we made our way to the portal to eat some largas....hmmm...largas!
Largas are these large and particularly thick handmade tortillas (kind of like a huarache...if you are familiar with the term)...you fill them with a variety of foods..from beans de la olla to zuchini to cactus to pico de gallo and/or rajas (strips from a chile poblano with sour cream and onion) and for meat eaters..there's of course lots of choices such as steak and other items...at the portal near the town park or jardin. The jardin's are very popular in central and southern mexico..it's like a plaza or piazza in italy, they usually sit at the center of the town and typically near a church, there people tend to gather and eat ice cream from one of the many vendors, they also sell cake and other yummies...well in Salvatierra..right across the jardin, is a portal where food vendors gather..and there's anything you can imagine..from largas to enchiladas to tamales to pozole to atole and bunuelos (a sweet desert that will kick your socks off) to hamburgers and also jello with eggnog...yup jello..lol..
So as you can imagine the smells that radiate from the portal captivate and lure you in..pretty much every night...:) and we of course..took full advantage....strangely enough, however, though we ate soooooo much..we actually lost weight...mainly because the food in mexico is just so much fresher and beyond that I think its because you walk everywhere down there...
So as I was saying...we got there on a friday and then spent all of saturday preparing for my cousins wedding. The ceremony was beautiful with the exception of a bit of drama in the middle of it all..but oh well..the important thing is that the drama did not involve the groom and the bride...so i think that's all that matters...on the contrary their love held on strong throughout the night...it was beautiful...and fun...
We also were lucky enought to make it to the beach...we went to Ixtapa for a couple days and it was so perfect. My favorite thing to do at a beach is to eat french fries with lots of ketchup while under the influence of a rum and coke...it was a todo incluido deal..i.e. all inclusive hotel..so you could eat and drink as much as you wanted. In the evenings..they had some amazing shows...with wonderful dancers and singers..and lots of laughing..my dad actually got on stage our last night there and entered some crazy contest where he pretty much made fool of himself...we cheered him on as much as we could!
And then, as our week vacation came to an end...my husband got sick...it totally sucked because we spent the next day or two indoors..but in a way..it was good to sneak in some rest...after a hectic and exciting few days. I think it was the cheese in a chile relleno. Unfortunately, some of the cheeses that are unpasteurized can make you sick because they carry bacteria we arent used to unless we lived there...it's the well known travelers diar..ewww! i will not type that word..but you know what i mean...;)
Our last day was pretty magical...Ray surprized me by booking an amazing amazing hotel in the middle of mexico city, with the most amazing panaromic views you can imagine...it was literally a condo...with two rooms, two bathrooms, modern furniture, 42 in LG TV, the works! They even had a brownie waiting for us...in the room...it was so amazing..did i mention the word amazing?
and then just like that...our vacation ended. So yeah. That was my vacation.
We flew back in lieu of driving because my family stayed back an extra week and we needed to get back to Bisbee. We flew into Hermosillo, the plane ride was a breeze but it was once we arrived at Hermosillo that the problems began. A crazy cabdriver completely drove us to the wrong bus station..so we missed our bus back to Naco. Fonally at around 4pm, after putting up with hunger and the unbearable heat...we took a seven hour bus ride back to Agua Prieta, and then Ray's mom generously picked us up and took us back to Bisbee...whew! we were t i r e d! and so relieved to be back....but amidst it all..in the silence...i began to miss salvatierra, my home sweet home.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Fireworks
I'm not going to lie.
(Decoded: Yes, sometimes I do). I don't mean to lie, but sometimes we all lie, a little, mostly to ourselves, as a way to cope with life and with our own internal conscience. You know, that little voice that keeps us decent...that keeps us from becoming someone we don't want to be...sometimes we just lie.
At any rate, I feel like being truthful with myself today...and the truth is that sometimes life is not so beautiful. Or at least, it's hard to see it for what it is independent of our own interception with it. In fact, there are times when it is difficult to get up and act alive or interact with anyone. It is in these times that I envision myself turning into a rock and just being blown away with the current of a river or something forceful that will take all control and decision making from my reach.
It's so painful to face yourself, who you really are and be content with something less than perfect. But that is what we are afterall, something completely imperfect. So, as I was saying, sometimes life just sucks and things don't feel so wonderful. This is how I felt Sunday. I felt so out of it. I spent most of the day silently complaining to myself about a gazillion things I haven't done or finished, or things that aren't right with my life, and in the midst of my moodiness I ended up getting into an argument with my hubby. I don't know if he was out of it too, but we were both less than willing to meet halfway and move on. We were upset with eachother pretty much all day. All our plans for the day got ruined, and there we were. But by the time the evening came around...things just got a whole lot better.
I've never been a big fourth of july fan. Particularly living in Arizona. A State full of racism and bigotry. With time, one can't help but to become pretty cynical about "patriotism." Anyway, celebrating "The United States of America," isn't exactly one of my priorities.
But as I said, given that we were out of plans, we decided to go for a drive and see if we could find something to eat. We ended up driving up to Warren, where the streets were filled with families, their children, and many lawn chairs. Bright eyes of the young and old were anxiously staring at the skies and excitedly awaiting the fireworks.
It was then, at that moment, that I stepped outside my mind and realized that despite reality, it's still worth it to be like those in the streets of Warren, it's still worth it to keep on waiting for the fireworks...it's part of what makes us human, to hope and to get happy and to celebrate, i don't know how many actually celebrate "America," my theory is that they were celebrating life, and the reason or the meaning was irrelevant...there would be fireworks...and there would be beauty and fun that day...even if for a moment
so we joined the crowds...we got tickets to watch a baseball game that would commence after the fireworks, bought some nachos and a sprite, and we sat in the darkness, on the grass of the baseball field (right field) waiting for the fireworks...
the stars shined above playing in and out with the beatiful colors of fire in the sky, and for an instant-nothing interrupted that moment in time...my heart felt so content...there in the company of my husband, i sat watching and smiling..and not thinking, finally..i felt, once again, at home
i'm not going to lie, sometimes life feels awful...
it most likely is...
but when you least expect it, if you open your eyes, something steps in to remind you, that it will be okay, and that there are always reasons we can make up to celebrate and love life all over again. there will always be a pile of to do's and a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt..but that's perfectly okay too, our struggles are the fireworks of our lives...
i dont know...maybe our problems and their collisions, are just like the ones that shine with magic..and maybe someone or something out there is smiling and laughing and thinking that there is beauty and fun to be found where we don't see it...
(Decoded: Yes, sometimes I do). I don't mean to lie, but sometimes we all lie, a little, mostly to ourselves, as a way to cope with life and with our own internal conscience. You know, that little voice that keeps us decent...that keeps us from becoming someone we don't want to be...sometimes we just lie.
At any rate, I feel like being truthful with myself today...and the truth is that sometimes life is not so beautiful. Or at least, it's hard to see it for what it is independent of our own interception with it. In fact, there are times when it is difficult to get up and act alive or interact with anyone. It is in these times that I envision myself turning into a rock and just being blown away with the current of a river or something forceful that will take all control and decision making from my reach.
It's so painful to face yourself, who you really are and be content with something less than perfect. But that is what we are afterall, something completely imperfect. So, as I was saying, sometimes life just sucks and things don't feel so wonderful. This is how I felt Sunday. I felt so out of it. I spent most of the day silently complaining to myself about a gazillion things I haven't done or finished, or things that aren't right with my life, and in the midst of my moodiness I ended up getting into an argument with my hubby. I don't know if he was out of it too, but we were both less than willing to meet halfway and move on. We were upset with eachother pretty much all day. All our plans for the day got ruined, and there we were. But by the time the evening came around...things just got a whole lot better.
I've never been a big fourth of july fan. Particularly living in Arizona. A State full of racism and bigotry. With time, one can't help but to become pretty cynical about "patriotism." Anyway, celebrating "The United States of America," isn't exactly one of my priorities.
But as I said, given that we were out of plans, we decided to go for a drive and see if we could find something to eat. We ended up driving up to Warren, where the streets were filled with families, their children, and many lawn chairs. Bright eyes of the young and old were anxiously staring at the skies and excitedly awaiting the fireworks.
It was then, at that moment, that I stepped outside my mind and realized that despite reality, it's still worth it to be like those in the streets of Warren, it's still worth it to keep on waiting for the fireworks...it's part of what makes us human, to hope and to get happy and to celebrate, i don't know how many actually celebrate "America," my theory is that they were celebrating life, and the reason or the meaning was irrelevant...there would be fireworks...and there would be beauty and fun that day...even if for a moment
so we joined the crowds...we got tickets to watch a baseball game that would commence after the fireworks, bought some nachos and a sprite, and we sat in the darkness, on the grass of the baseball field (right field) waiting for the fireworks...
the stars shined above playing in and out with the beatiful colors of fire in the sky, and for an instant-nothing interrupted that moment in time...my heart felt so content...there in the company of my husband, i sat watching and smiling..and not thinking, finally..i felt, once again, at home
i'm not going to lie, sometimes life feels awful...
it most likely is...
but when you least expect it, if you open your eyes, something steps in to remind you, that it will be okay, and that there are always reasons we can make up to celebrate and love life all over again. there will always be a pile of to do's and a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt..but that's perfectly okay too, our struggles are the fireworks of our lives...
i dont know...maybe our problems and their collisions, are just like the ones that shine with magic..and maybe someone or something out there is smiling and laughing and thinking that there is beauty and fun to be found where we don't see it...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Coffee & Laundry
 |
| The Coffee Shop & Laundromat 1326 West Highway 92, Bisbee, AZ 85603 |
It's not the books on every nook & corner,
It's not the wide array of magazines,
No, not even the pretty yellow flowers in the entry
Nor the deli & home baked pastries
It's definitely not the worn out linoleum floors
Nor the fresh scent of lavender and clean linens
No, it's not that.
......It's the colors.
Yes, I think so.
It's the bright orange tables...
And the vibrant turquoise on the walls!
It's precisely that...
Just another reminder that this is no ordinary
coffee shop...its a laundromat & coffee shop, and more importantly, it's so Bisbee...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Financial Planner
So, we just got back from meeting with a financial planner, Ray and I. Let me just tell you. Frustrated is an understatement.
Let me back up. Ray is required as part of his bar license requirements to have his finances in shape. It makes sense, you wouldn't want your attorney to be someone irresponsible right? So, in order to prevent this from happening, the state requires that attorneys have their finances in good standing.
Needless to say, coming from a background of low economic means, this is a task that is very difficult for students of color. Anyhow, both him and I have spent a lot of time in school and well using up our government's generous student loans, which are now as he has graduated and me coming close to it, coming back to hunt us.
At any rate, we had to to go meet with a financial planner/ advisor to go over our finances, budget, debt, etc. and help us out with this endeavor. So we were blatantly honest with her, because, well frankly, both Ray and I are pretty tired of living check to check and also since we intend to try to have a baby again, well its kind of important for us to get it together.
So there we were. It was kind of romantic actually. Ray and I, talking about our future. But then out of no where things took a strange turn for us. I was expecting to get some slack over how much we spend on direct tv, cell phones, etc. but the last thing I imagined was having the benefit of my education to be questioned.
I currently don't have a job. but like many women, i do work, although it's not socially recognized. I am pursuing my phd at ASU (I'm in the comps and soon dissertation stage). So other than my student hat, I pretty much spend the rest of my time either taking care of our home, cleaning, cooking, and or volunteering at the migrant center in Naco. I feel like I do a lot, but I enjoy it. Most of my previous "jobs" were in the public sector, working at nonprofits or labor unions. But when I met Ray, he really encouraged me to start focusing on school and finish my degree. (I am so grateful for that opportunity)
But anyway, sitting there in that room with her, a room full of beautiful paintings, exposed brick walls, stylish shiny wood floors, I felt so mediocre and alone. Particularly, when the financial planner turned to me and said, "well if you plan to have a baby, perhaps you need to just quit school now so you can start building a cash reserve." And me, well I was schocked. But the agony continued.
She continued to tell us that we had no means for having a baby right now, but she understood that emotional needs were just as important as financial ones, so in that case I should consider quitting school since I intend on being a mother, and if I want to be a stay at home mom, well my degree would have no financial value to us.
Now, I dont know yet what I want to do. Be a stay at home mom or a career woman with a phd. Both of these endeavors have proved so difficult already, that I'm still trying to get to the part of being able to visualize my graduation date and/or actually carrying a baby to term. Arghh! It's difficult!
The thing is, I never decided to go to school because of money. I dreamt of going to school because I love to learn. There is no alternate agenda for my desire to earn a degree. I'm not trying to climb any latters or have it be a stepping stone to something greater. An education is something that I find to have value in and of itself, irregardless of any financial benefit to my life. And yes, on top of that goal/dream, I am dying to be a mother.
While I was pregnant I got to experience how wonderful it feels to expect a baby. To long so much for your little angel to arrive. I'm still waiting for that day to come.
Until then, I find it almost annoying to even fathom what I want to do after that happens. (It's like yelling omaha too early). I know I want to be there for my child, to be at home to help with their homework, tell him/her about the unjust world around them, and well just play with him/her, go to the park, make them a birthday cake...
So I guess if I had to pick right now, I would say I want to be a stay at home mom with a phd. In the future, I might change my mind. I know that doesn't fit into a perfect mold or a perfectly packaged box with a label that people can understand, certainly not the financial planner. But, not everything has to make sense, it can just be what it is. another contradiction. and that's perfectly okay with me.
and with Ray (who loves me).
According to Ray, we will live our lives how we choose. Even if it means we live in a shack. And that's perfectly okay with me (who loves him).
I never wanted to be married or have children. but with ray, it's different, I want it all. And, I think I'm pretty lucky to have a supportive husband, and I of course, support him all the way. no matter what he wants to do. I never want us to be people that do things they don't enjoy doing. we have that agreement between us.
So yeah, it can be romantic to plan the future, responsible even, but sometimes, it's just nicer to live in the now. afterall, isn't that the only thing we can really ever own? the now?
I think so.
Let me back up. Ray is required as part of his bar license requirements to have his finances in shape. It makes sense, you wouldn't want your attorney to be someone irresponsible right? So, in order to prevent this from happening, the state requires that attorneys have their finances in good standing.
Needless to say, coming from a background of low economic means, this is a task that is very difficult for students of color. Anyhow, both him and I have spent a lot of time in school and well using up our government's generous student loans, which are now as he has graduated and me coming close to it, coming back to hunt us.
At any rate, we had to to go meet with a financial planner/ advisor to go over our finances, budget, debt, etc. and help us out with this endeavor. So we were blatantly honest with her, because, well frankly, both Ray and I are pretty tired of living check to check and also since we intend to try to have a baby again, well its kind of important for us to get it together.
So there we were. It was kind of romantic actually. Ray and I, talking about our future. But then out of no where things took a strange turn for us. I was expecting to get some slack over how much we spend on direct tv, cell phones, etc. but the last thing I imagined was having the benefit of my education to be questioned.
I currently don't have a job. but like many women, i do work, although it's not socially recognized. I am pursuing my phd at ASU (I'm in the comps and soon dissertation stage). So other than my student hat, I pretty much spend the rest of my time either taking care of our home, cleaning, cooking, and or volunteering at the migrant center in Naco. I feel like I do a lot, but I enjoy it. Most of my previous "jobs" were in the public sector, working at nonprofits or labor unions. But when I met Ray, he really encouraged me to start focusing on school and finish my degree. (I am so grateful for that opportunity)
But anyway, sitting there in that room with her, a room full of beautiful paintings, exposed brick walls, stylish shiny wood floors, I felt so mediocre and alone. Particularly, when the financial planner turned to me and said, "well if you plan to have a baby, perhaps you need to just quit school now so you can start building a cash reserve." And me, well I was schocked. But the agony continued.
She continued to tell us that we had no means for having a baby right now, but she understood that emotional needs were just as important as financial ones, so in that case I should consider quitting school since I intend on being a mother, and if I want to be a stay at home mom, well my degree would have no financial value to us.
Now, I dont know yet what I want to do. Be a stay at home mom or a career woman with a phd. Both of these endeavors have proved so difficult already, that I'm still trying to get to the part of being able to visualize my graduation date and/or actually carrying a baby to term. Arghh! It's difficult!
The thing is, I never decided to go to school because of money. I dreamt of going to school because I love to learn. There is no alternate agenda for my desire to earn a degree. I'm not trying to climb any latters or have it be a stepping stone to something greater. An education is something that I find to have value in and of itself, irregardless of any financial benefit to my life. And yes, on top of that goal/dream, I am dying to be a mother.
While I was pregnant I got to experience how wonderful it feels to expect a baby. To long so much for your little angel to arrive. I'm still waiting for that day to come.
Until then, I find it almost annoying to even fathom what I want to do after that happens. (It's like yelling omaha too early). I know I want to be there for my child, to be at home to help with their homework, tell him/her about the unjust world around them, and well just play with him/her, go to the park, make them a birthday cake...
So I guess if I had to pick right now, I would say I want to be a stay at home mom with a phd. In the future, I might change my mind. I know that doesn't fit into a perfect mold or a perfectly packaged box with a label that people can understand, certainly not the financial planner. But, not everything has to make sense, it can just be what it is. another contradiction. and that's perfectly okay with me.
and with Ray (who loves me).
According to Ray, we will live our lives how we choose. Even if it means we live in a shack. And that's perfectly okay with me (who loves him).
I never wanted to be married or have children. but with ray, it's different, I want it all. And, I think I'm pretty lucky to have a supportive husband, and I of course, support him all the way. no matter what he wants to do. I never want us to be people that do things they don't enjoy doing. we have that agreement between us.
So yeah, it can be romantic to plan the future, responsible even, but sometimes, it's just nicer to live in the now. afterall, isn't that the only thing we can really ever own? the now?
I think so.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday
It’s Friday already.
I remember the first time I came to the migrant center it was also a Friday. I haven’t really worked on Fridays for a while. I usually take the Monday morning shift at the center but I am covering for another volunteer who is taking a trip to San Diego for a conference on border issues. It’s quite interesting the stark differences in the center from even a couple weeks ago. Today the center’s pretty much empty, lonely, and hot.
There are still people trying to cross, but many of them are being repatriated differently during the summer so few are arriving at the center. To be honest, I have no clue what is going on.
Some say that there is a new repatriation program going on that tends to be implemented in the summers. Or that people are getting streamlined (in simple terms it’s a strategy that began on January 14, 2010, that basically takes people through a formal deportation and criminalizes migrants for crossing). Others say that Border Patrol has extra funding so they are trying to use up those funds by flying people to Mexico City when caught, part of a Lateral Repatriation Program, as opposed to simply releasing them at the closest port of entry where they crossed, in theory this is supposed to detain people from crossing again by shipping them far away from the border in which they attempted to cross.
In reality, this does not seem to deter people in anyway. A few weeks ago the migrant center was filled with people. And slowly, the numbers began to decrease. At hindsight, one might believe their strategies are working, but in talking to people, this isn't the case. Most of the migrants seem well informed and aware of what is happening politically in Arizona and they just simply mentioned that they would maybe wait, but inevitably, regardless they would try again.
You see, people don’t cross because its easy. They cross because they feel they have no other option. Some of their situations are so difficult that one can’t really blame them for seeking their own solutions. If anything, I am humbled by their courage and perseverance to keep on going, despite the many obstacles and hardships they face.
Today there was a pregnant girl and two men at the center. I always feel for the women. My own bias, I guess. Their strength makes me realize just how weak I really am. The girl was looking for help purchasing some prenatal pills. When I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to protect my baby. To see her, struggling, trying to cross this ridiculous border, trying to protect her baby, and simply reunite with her husband, it breaks my heart. Families should not be torn apart this way.
So anyway. It's friday. I get to go home.
For the people at the center, they get to wait. and wait.
I remember the first time I came to the migrant center it was also a Friday. I haven’t really worked on Fridays for a while. I usually take the Monday morning shift at the center but I am covering for another volunteer who is taking a trip to San Diego for a conference on border issues. It’s quite interesting the stark differences in the center from even a couple weeks ago. Today the center’s pretty much empty, lonely, and hot.
There are still people trying to cross, but many of them are being repatriated differently during the summer so few are arriving at the center. To be honest, I have no clue what is going on.
Some say that there is a new repatriation program going on that tends to be implemented in the summers. Or that people are getting streamlined (in simple terms it’s a strategy that began on January 14, 2010, that basically takes people through a formal deportation and criminalizes migrants for crossing). Others say that Border Patrol has extra funding so they are trying to use up those funds by flying people to Mexico City when caught, part of a Lateral Repatriation Program, as opposed to simply releasing them at the closest port of entry where they crossed, in theory this is supposed to detain people from crossing again by shipping them far away from the border in which they attempted to cross.
In reality, this does not seem to deter people in anyway. A few weeks ago the migrant center was filled with people. And slowly, the numbers began to decrease. At hindsight, one might believe their strategies are working, but in talking to people, this isn't the case. Most of the migrants seem well informed and aware of what is happening politically in Arizona and they just simply mentioned that they would maybe wait, but inevitably, regardless they would try again.
You see, people don’t cross because its easy. They cross because they feel they have no other option. Some of their situations are so difficult that one can’t really blame them for seeking their own solutions. If anything, I am humbled by their courage and perseverance to keep on going, despite the many obstacles and hardships they face.
Today there was a pregnant girl and two men at the center. I always feel for the women. My own bias, I guess. Their strength makes me realize just how weak I really am. The girl was looking for help purchasing some prenatal pills. When I was pregnant all I wanted to do was to protect my baby. To see her, struggling, trying to cross this ridiculous border, trying to protect her baby, and simply reunite with her husband, it breaks my heart. Families should not be torn apart this way.
So anyway. It's friday. I get to go home.
For the people at the center, they get to wait. and wait.
Careless Afternoon
Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days I have experienced in a long time. I felt like a lazy bone all day, but my husband decided that we should go outside and he could teach me about the different baseball positions by learning them in an actual field.
To be honest, I’ve always hated sports (and exercise), particularly those involving any sort of ball. I remember sitting in PE class petrified and horrified at the possibility of getting hit in the face by one of them. My fear was not unfounded either, for it is something that has literally happened to me on more than one occasion.
Anyway, as I was saying, the day was gorgeous. Prior to leaving the house, husband had made some delicious veggie sandwiches. I decided to sit in the deck to eat mine and the minute I looked up, I was mesmerized.
The sky was covered with cotton-like clouds, and as a backdrop, luminous rays of light began to shine through them. The mountains looked splendorous, vibrant greens, hints of yellow, and redish brown rock witnessing the magical nature of the skies above them. Then there were these birds. Huge wings floating in the air, they appeared to be dancing around the sky, careless and yet so involved in what appeared to be their very own orchestrated performance. It was truly beautiful.
So beautiful, that when I looked down I felt like crying. It was intense.
I’m not a crazy person, but I guess I am somewhat passionate about certain things. One of these is the feeling or realization of being alive.
Nature does that to me. It’s the energy that’s present—particularly in trees. Here near Bisbee, upon entering sierra vista, is the San Pedro River. It is surrounded by trees. Tall ones, short ones, green leaves everywhere. It is something truly worth seeing. Even in the fall, when the leaves begin to yellow and the sun begins to set, the radiant energy of this landscape is one I will never forget.
I also feel this way when surrounded by lots of people. I think energy is contagious. In a protest, a concert, a church, or even in a basketball or baseball game, energy exists and for a minute or two it exists you.
Needless to say, it was quite difficult for me to leave our deck. I felt captured by the beauty that was present. But boy was I glad I left.
What followed was a wonderful afternoon. My husband is a fabulous teacher. He can make the most mundane thing seem fun and exciting. For the first time in my life I felt excited to learn a sport. He taught me about the bases, about hustle, and I even got to swing a bat. It was super fun. I had no idea what I was doing, indeed. But, you know, I felt present. I was there, not in my mind or in the sky, but out of my realm, con mi esposo, and I, I loved it.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Weeks
Week 7:
Something has changed
I can’t describe it
I just feel different
I know something is wrong
Week 9:
I’m screaming
I’m cryingWhy is this happening to me
I’m angryI’m so not alive
Week 10:
I cannot deny this void
This void of emptyness that has been carved inside my heart
That every morning when I wake,
My chest hurts to know that I will never hold you in my arms
I struggle.
I struggle to face the cold reality
that you are gone.
That I will never hold your little fingers
perhaps you never had any?
I may never be able to touch your skin,
or see those eyes that never formed?
That every night I stayed up worrying
Occurred
And yet in vain
Slowly…
Slowly my stomach has lost its volume
And yet you still lie inside me
But Dead.
Yes perhaps I’m crazy
Life in America is defined upon entering the great big world of oxygen, pain, and injustice
But this wasn’t a mistake
An unplanned occurance
An unexpected miracle
A mishap
I was counting on you living
I intended you to be
And yet life has shown me otherwise
You can’t plan life; It happens
Week 10: the blood from my veins continues to be drawn
HCG, slowly gone
Week 11: New nurse
“How you doing today?” “Looks like someone is having a baby!”
But I can’t hear or maybe I just don’t want to
I shrug my head and begin to explain
“No, I’m having a miscarriage
The baby is still inside me
But there’s no heart beat”
My heart also stops beating at the sound of my own words
Week 12: you are supposed to be an inch an a half long
I want to unsubscribe from the babycenter
You know that site
That site I so excitedly signed up for
Which sent me weekly updates about your growth
Weekly updates
The weeks continue to go by
My breasts have disinflated like day old balloons after a party
The weeks continue to go by
I know I will never forget you
September was your due date
The weeks continue to go by
Week 17: your fragile body finally exits me
The excrutiating pain
And yet no more tears
Blood rushing down my legs
I don’t want to look at him
my husband, the man whose hurting too
I feel ashamed
I don’t want to see him cry
His strong arms hold me and tell me it will be okay
I know he is hurting too
I know he is hurting too
The weeks go by
You are now in my freezer
I can’t flush you away
The only thing I wish to flush away is the weeks that took you from me
It’s over
The weeks are over
And yet continue to go by
I worried about what kind of crib you would have
What colors I would paint the walls of your room
Little did I know that the toughest choice I would make would be what kind of plant you would die in
Good bye my love
Goodbye my baby
The weeks will continue to go by
But my love for you
Will live forever.
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