Anger

today ray and the kids and i took a road trip to yuma, i was so afraid to leave for what seemed like an eternity away from Phoenix.  the thought of something happening to my mom and me not being near enough to come to her in time is something that had me worrying extensively.  the thing is though, that life is so short that it makes sense to live it.  i saw a sign on the drive there, it said "feed your body well, it is where you live" it was an advertisement for organic food.  i didn't eat well today though, i ate crappy, and that's not like me as of the last year or so.  I just feel so very angry about my mom.  it just doesn't make sense to me why she had to get sick.  out of all the people out there that this could have happened to, why her? at times the pain i feel gets translated into an urge to fix things, to do right, to eat well and to take care of myself and my children, and then there's days like today where I just want to quit...i just want to say "fuck you cancer, I'm not afraid of you, i'll do what I want!!" and yet that's exactly what I don't want to do...I want to have this experience be motivation for myself and family to do something positive, to live a healthy lifestyle not just for a year, but permanently.  I realize there will be days where I fail, but I'm committed to keep trying

t r y i n g

to just put in the work and try to live a healthy and productive life, i owe that to my momma.  we had breakfast at cracker barrel.  She loves that place.  I was thinking how nice it would be to be there with her.  ray emerson loves it so much too.  he loves looking at things and playing with the gadgets they have in the store while he contemplates a way to get us to buy him something.  he was so grumpy today, parenting is definitely not easy.  he screams and rages at times in ways that seriously makes me want to lose my cool, but i know its just not what i want for him.  i don't want to compete with his anger and be tough on him.  i want to have a relationship with him, where I'm his safe spot, not a person who controls and makes him afraid.  i'm working on it.  one thing that worked today is just letting him be angry, giving him permission and the space to hate me and everything around him and then allowing him to jump into being happy as soon as he was ready.  i assured him that we loved him and to let us know when he was done being angry.  we didn't lecture him as to why he was mad or why he shouldn't rage, we just worked on rewarding that he was ready to be happy.  i think cancer taught me that, i feel like we all need space to be mad sometimes, even if it's not pretty.  life is not always what we expect or want, and realizing that sooner than later is important

when i was little it always took me forever to find a way to be okay again.  i knew how to get good and angry but i had no idea how to come back from it.  sometimes things my parents said, the way they reasoned with me, or just in having space to think about things, made me realize i was wrong  and though i wanted to be okay again, i just did not know how to do that, how to go from having been at one end of the spectrum to the other.  sometimes my mom would just hug me and that would be just what i needed, but as i grew up, it did not get easier, others didn't know to hug me and help me cross over to being okay.  i had to learn eventually that happiness is just a choice.  you just have to decide when its time to let anger go...

i'm trying

the problem with cancer

it's been a bit over a month that we found out.

Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM

The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.

They found out a couple months earlier.  On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday.  It was confirmed that she would begin treatment.  I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions.  The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other.  I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling.  I'm not well.

It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.

that's the problem

Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know.  Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news.  I have nightmares.  I feel this urge to tell everyone.  I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore.  I'm angry.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life.  Even the sound of laughter bothers me.  All problems pale in comparison.  I don't want to care about anyone but her.  She made me, she's fire.

Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why.  It was all so mysterious.  We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.

5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me.  I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background.  I began to cry as I anticipated the worse.  And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?

8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays.  I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no.  She never says no.  It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.

9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do.  I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything.  She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.

I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do.  'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her.  That's the thing, she's always been there for me.  For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed.  She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart.  She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things.  I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism.  And yet, as a child I never appreciated her.  I took her for granted so many times.  I hated that she felt so overbearing.  That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right.  As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.

She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.

8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"

my heart dropped

through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry.  That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid.  That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry.  As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied.  I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried.  that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad.  That I knew she would be okay.  The last part I meant and still mean.

I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am.  I'm so afraid.  I'm more than sad, I'm broken.  Cancer breaks shit up.

that's my background noise.

AND YET cancer also unites.  it's a wake up call as my mom says.  it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships

there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast

we are all afraid

but,

       all we can do is

                                  Let it Be

and put it on faith,

put it on faith

god willing this nightmare will soon be over

Miguel Maldonado Vallejo

This year has been filled with so many highs and lows, one of the lowest was flying to Mexico to see my grandfather die.  I never did see him pass, I was there and while family gathered around him, and filled the room with love for him, he fed off our energy and in many ways, came back to life

it was

indescribable.

and yet i want to try to recall it because i know this moment changed me.  i never witnessed such strength, such love for family, as when i stood nearby watching his beautiful eyes hold me

the days, so many of them, have passed
and in moments I have forgotten about him,
and then I have days like these,
days in which I feel weak and scared or hurt and his image comes to my mind
he holds me once again,
and i feel loved
I feel lucky
I feel blessed that I had a chance to tell him, that I love him, and that I treasure him.
We spent the time that we had, loving him, listening, laughing at his jokes, trying to give to him what we couldn't give so many days that we did have
so many missed opportunities
that's what life is
we embrace one thing and lose another
I had to travel back "home," before he finally said his goodbyes
I had a job
a family of my own
a son
a life away from Mexico
away from the place that I most love, perhaps because it exist so far away from me now
because I can't live in it anymore
or so I tell myself

anyway these are just words
but i want to record it in my memory that i miss this old man
my grandpa
my papa miguel
my vallejo
the reason i proudly call myself maldonado

te extrano, hoy, y siempre

muchas veces no te entendi,
pero ahora eso es lo de menos

we learn that when it is too late

Writing about you

words often exist before ever having been written

it's been almost two years now, and I am just beginning to reconcile the whirlwind experience that mothering becomes, like a tornado being a mother engulfs you, swallows you whole and takes over every aspect of you

your thoughts no longer belong to you

they are no longer a part of you

your words, your language it too escapes you,

all you see is this new person 

their tiny feet and little hands 

their ambitious smile and pondering mind

i longed so long to be your mother my ray emerson

and it's been such an unbelievable ride that i never want to fall out of

the rough nights without sleep, countless runny noses and ear infections, you have awakened in me a fear i never knew was possible

a fear of never wanting anything to ever happen to you, to ever hurt you

and then from the torment and labor of it all is a smile, a laugh, that makes the world just right, that makes everything just perfect 

so much has happened that I wish i could record about you

i feel like already i have failed you in not jotting down every little wonderful thing you ever did, of which there were many, and in making notes about every cute thing you ever said, every wonderful sound you ever made

but the thing with time is that it always moves forward

too late

i guess i always figured that these moment were engrained my brain and somehow i could always go back and remember

but the days continue to go by and you become even more increasingly precious

i realize that this list has grown so long that i must, i need to write it down because my heart can no longer contain all you do to make this world a better place just by being you

also i suppose it was my own inexperience, the novelty of it all coupled with the challenges of being a new parent...i always felt like i was juggling so much that enjoying it seemed sufficient

but now that i think i'm getting the hang of this being a mom thing..i think it's only right that i share/record all that you have done to change my life, for the better

it seems fitting to begin writing, about you again...just now...a few days before our birthdays

you are currently looking more and more like a big boy, about to be 2!

you are now wearing pull-ups

you can tell me when you went potty

you love choo choo trains so very much it's insane

you now tell me to take you to the mall to ride the train

you love minnie mouse, mickey too-- you call him miska but esp. minnie 

my favorite thing to hear you say is "Mommy...?" you say it in a way as to seek reassurance, just for the sake of hearing me say..yes, ray or que, papi?  then you turn around and continue on with whatever you were doing

you love fideo, beans, tortillas, and cumbias

you dance, and its so contagious..that every time i watch you i want to dance myself

when you dont want to do something you let the world know..either by screaming it loudly or saying "no, not yet"

you are now able to chant "si se puede" and you love it!

you also chant "asu" and can recognize the university even from many streets away

you love sparky but still afraid to get too close to him

baseball, you watch with admiration and long to play, this makes your daddy so very happy

you are very athletic, you run so very fast and love to climb on top of everything

i sing to you at nights and you love to hold me before you go to sleep

you also love to read books, particularly the thomas books and that's not my train!

you are now counting and even have begun singing the abc's!

you love un elefante se columpiaba...and tonight you laughed hysterically during our reading of the cat in the hat in spanish, when i read the word "pum!" 

i would pay anything to relive that small instant of wonder and joy that emerged from your glossy and bright beautiful eyes

te quiero mucho mi ray

eres mi mundo entero

i can't wait for your birthday, you are going to be two very very soon, and im so excited for you! you sing happy birthday "arman ray" almost everyday and i know its going to be absolutely super special!

so many words existed before you were ever born, and with your birth the words seemed meaningless, nothing seemed good enough to describe you, it has taken me two years to be able to write about you, i know in my heart these lines will always fall short, they will always lack..but nonetheless im happy to begin to try-- because these moments that I'm living with you...i can't afford to ever forget

Birthday Mornings

Today is a special day.

For the last thirty years my sisters and I have developed a sort of refined tradition where we wake up early morning, rush to the grocery store, and buy whatever flowers, balloons, and birthday cards we can gather.  We search the bakery section for a cake that might have the already imprinted letters of "happy birthday," pickup starbucks or make some coffee and blast into the journey of waking up our beloved family member to "surprize" them with our bday wishes and gifts :)

I put surprize under quotations because frankly, after doing this year after year, most of us 'know' to lie and bed, waiting patiently for everyone to arrive, we keep our eyes closed pretending to be asleep and then try with our best acting faces to look unaware and unexpecting...

Well today, March 4th, 2011, is officially my father's 50th birthday!!
But, sadly, it is also the first year that i was unable to make it to wake him up :'(

I don't know how others feel about birthdays, but in our family...they are HUGE deals! and living in Tucson, last year in Bisbee, it has been extremely tough to keep our family tradition alive.  Needless to say..i'm a bit bummed about it...i love my dad sooo much!

I still remember being 9 years old and trying to orchestrate with my sisters the order in which we were going to enter my parents bedroom.  I would carry the cake, yesica might have carried our gift and jazmin the balloons and flowers, little Emmy would follow behind us with his own handmade bday card...

It didnt matter how tired we were, or how much sleep we had, we had to wake up every year on that birthday morning, and do this...

sometimes we would play a special song in the background, other times we would make WAY too much noise, most of the time one of us would argue with each other "shut up stupid, go get the cake idiot..." etc. but you know these are our memories.  Our family, like most, or like all is far from perfect, but we love each other like crazy, and no matter how many years go by, no matter how different our lives have become, no matter how much we all have changed, no matter where we live, I KNOW that every birthday morning, our hearts are not with us, our hearts wake up next to that person, that one person that we love so deeply, that person in our FAMILIA.

TE AMO PAPA.

sucede que tu amor es como el viento,

como el aire que respiro

nunca nos damos cuanta de lo que siempre hemos tenido

como un pajaro

que acaba de nacer

sus alas se estrechan

y aprende pronto a volar

bajo del siempre el ha estado

en silencio y en fortaleza

sosteniendole sus suenos

apoyandole sus alas

bajo sombra del ayer

sin reprochos

tu me amas

y me ensenaste a levantarme

cuando torpe yo cai

tu promesa

la has mantenido

siempre a mi lado,

ha estado un viento,

un aire,

un amigo,

un hombre,

            mi papa.

ahora yo...

te dedico una promesa

que no importa el tiempo, ni la distancia

aunque mi cuerpo estubiera ausente

            mi corazon siempre estara

           junto de ti.

levantandote cada manana

como los pajaros

que tanto cantan

con su ruido,

yo estare.

y que recuerdes siempre,

nuestros viajes a celaya,

nuestros recuerdos

las alegrias y peleas

nuestros triunfos y dolores

que sigamos siempre, asi

queriendonos

        cada

                  dia

                        mas...

The Holidays

Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!

and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's.  Yup, the holidays are here!  Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays.  I don't know what it is exactly.  Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family.  Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.

Not this year. 

Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated.  The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.

Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st.  Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried.  Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas.  The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation.  Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch? 

To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house.  That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys.  Dilemma solved right? Wrong.

Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt. 

I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays?  In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself.  I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...

aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....

Santa Fe

Despite how sad life can seem sometimes, the truth is that I feel so lucky to wake up everyday and live.
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe.  My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job.  So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe. 
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.

I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months.  I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up.  Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel.  After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!

This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra.  In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle.  I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food.  They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.

And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here.  I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way.  I even feel like drawing or watercoloring.  It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again.  I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.

Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe.  We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday.  It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it.  The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
 
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.

So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long.  Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower.  After that its baby names and baby registry.  So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).

a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:

..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....

sooooooooooo much has happened....part 1

Jeez...I feel like its been forever since I last wrote on here..I know that everyone who starts a blog..has one or two of these type of posts...but seriously...it's been absolutely crazy these last couple of months that I have no idea where to begin...my life has literally been turned upside down..but in incredible & wonderful ways...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...

I'M PREGNANT!

ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...

anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...

simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...

we felt so doomed in every which way possible...

but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!

it feels so magical...

i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...

i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..

i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...

i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.

anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...

still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that  I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)

so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!

we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
    ........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...

Our Anniversario...

This is a belated post...i've been so out of it lately...but i wanted to go ahead and hit publish on this old entry i had saved in my drafts...so here it is...more posts coming soon....

Sometimes i feel so grateful that despite all the shit that sometimes crowds my thoughts and my life...i'm extremely lucky...because no matter what goes down...i know that right beside me there is this amazing person...who will look at me like i'm nuts and love me anyway...his name is Ray, but for the last two years i have had the privilege of calling him "my husband," and damn does that feel so good!

It has meant that I have a best friend who will love me when I'm at my best and won't completely hate me when I'm at my worst, it has meant that when I least expect it, I will be surprized, hugged, loved, spoiled, and best of all understood.

This last Tuesday, August 24th, we celebrated our two year anniversary.

Our intention or the plan was that we were going to celebrate this upcoming weekend since it landed on a Tuesday, but Ray surprized me by taking the day off of work and we made a day of it in Tucson.  My words cannot even begin to capture how happy he made me.

Monday afternoon I received a text from Ray stating "are you ready for a mission?"
Confused, I replied "sure...what's going on..."  my initial thoughts were that he needed me to run an errand for him or something related to our bills..I'm not sure I was completely not thinking...

So next thing you know he states...once again..."i said are you ready for a mission..yes or no"
so i told him yes and he replied "okay then..your first task is to pack our bags with one change of clothes/toothbrushes, etc., you must complete this by 3 pm"  So...I agreed, and next thing you know..we are driving into the sunset like lovers.  It was absolutely wonderful.  We went to the melting pot and stuffed ourselves with chocolate and cheese.  The rest is history :)

i love love love my hubby.

Financial Planner

So, we just got back from meeting with a financial planner, Ray and I.  Let me just tell you.  Frustrated is an understatement.

Let me back up. Ray is required as part of his bar license requirements to have his finances in shape.  It makes sense, you wouldn't want your attorney to be someone irresponsible right? So, in order to prevent this from happening, the state requires that attorneys have their finances in good standing.

Needless to say, coming from a background of low economic means, this is a task that is very difficult for students of color.  Anyhow, both him and I have spent a lot of time in school and well using up our government's generous student loans, which are now as he has graduated and me coming close to it, coming back to hunt us. 

At any rate, we had to to go meet with a financial planner/ advisor to go over our finances, budget, debt, etc. and help us out with this endeavor.  So we were blatantly honest with her, because, well frankly, both Ray and I are pretty tired of living check to check and also since we intend to try to have a baby again, well its kind of important for us to get it together. 

So there we were.  It was kind of romantic actually.  Ray and I, talking about our future.  But then out of no where things took a strange turn for us.  I was expecting to get some slack over how much we spend on direct tv, cell phones, etc. but the last thing I imagined was having the benefit of my education to be questioned.

I currently don't have a job.  but like many women, i do work, although it's not socially recognized.  I am pursuing my phd at ASU (I'm in the comps and soon dissertation stage).  So other than my student hat, I pretty much spend the rest of my time either taking care of our home, cleaning, cooking, and or volunteering at the migrant center in Naco.  I feel like I do a lot, but I enjoy it.  Most of my previous "jobs" were in the public sector, working at nonprofits or labor unions.  But when I met Ray, he really encouraged me to start focusing on school and finish my degree.  (I am so grateful for that opportunity)

But anyway, sitting there in that room with her, a room full of beautiful paintings, exposed brick walls, stylish shiny wood floors, I felt so mediocre and alone.  Particularly, when the financial planner turned to me and said, "well if you plan to have a baby, perhaps you need to just quit school now so you can start building a cash reserve."  And me, well I was schocked.  But the agony continued.

She continued to tell us that we had no means for having a baby right now, but she understood that emotional needs were just as important as financial ones, so in that case I should consider quitting school since I intend on being a mother, and if I want to be a stay at home mom, well my degree would have no financial value to us.

Now, I dont know yet what I want to do.  Be a stay at home mom or a career woman with a phd.  Both of these endeavors have proved so difficult already, that I'm still trying to get to the part of being able to visualize my graduation date and/or actually carrying a baby to term.  Arghh! It's difficult! 

The thing is, I never decided to go to school because of money.  I dreamt of going to school because I love to learn.  There is no alternate agenda for my desire to earn a degree.  I'm not trying to climb any latters or have it be a stepping stone to something greater.  An education is something that I find to have value in and of itself, irregardless of any financial benefit to my life.  And yes, on top of that goal/dream, I am dying to be a mother. 

While I was pregnant I got to experience how wonderful it feels to expect a baby.  To long so much for your little angel to arrive.  I'm still waiting for that day to come. 

Until then, I find it almost annoying to even fathom what I want to do after that happens.  (It's like yelling omaha too early).  I know I want to be there for my child, to be at home to help with their homework, tell him/her about the unjust world around them, and well just play with him/her, go to the park, make them a birthday cake...

So I guess if I had to pick right now, I would say I want to be a stay at home mom with a phd.  In the future, I might change my mind.  I know that doesn't fit into a perfect mold or a perfectly packaged box with a label that people can understand, certainly not the financial planner.  But, not everything has to make sense, it can just be what it is. another contradiction. and that's perfectly okay with me.
and with Ray (who loves me).

According to Ray, we will live our lives how we choose. Even if it means we live in a shack.  And that's perfectly okay with me (who loves him).

I never wanted to be married or have children.  but with ray, it's different, I want it all.  And, I think I'm pretty lucky to have a supportive husband, and I of course, support him all the way.  no matter what he wants to do.  I never want us to be people that do things they don't enjoy doing.  we have that agreement between us.

So yeah, it can be romantic to plan the future, responsible even, but sometimes, it's just nicer to live in the now.  afterall, isn't that the only thing we can really ever own? the now?

I think so. 

Careless Afternoon

Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days I have experienced in a long time.  I felt like a lazy bone all day, but my husband decided that we should go outside and he could teach me about the different baseball positions by learning them in an actual field.

To be honest, I’ve always hated sports (and exercise), particularly those involving any sort of ball.  I remember sitting in PE class petrified and horrified at the possibility of getting hit in the face by one of them. My fear was not unfounded either, for it is something that has literally happened to me on more than one occasion.

Anyway, as I was saying, the day was gorgeous.  Prior to leaving the house, husband had made some delicious veggie sandwiches.  I decided to sit in the deck to eat mine and the minute I looked up, I was mesmerized.

The sky was covered with cotton-like clouds, and as a backdrop, luminous rays of light began to shine through them. The mountains looked splendorous, vibrant greens, hints of yellow, and redish brown rock witnessing the magical nature of the skies above them.  Then there were these birds.  Huge wings floating in the air, they appeared to be dancing around the sky, careless and yet so involved in what appeared to be their very own orchestrated performance. It was truly beautiful.

So beautiful, that when I looked down I felt like crying.  It was intense.

I’m not a crazy person, but I guess I am somewhat passionate about certain things.  One of these is the feeling or realization of being alive.

Nature does that to me.  It’s the energy that’s present—particularly in trees.  Here near Bisbee, upon entering sierra vista, is the San Pedro River.  It is surrounded by trees.  Tall ones, short ones, green leaves everywhere.  It is something truly worth seeing.  Even in the fall, when the leaves begin to yellow and the sun begins to set, the radiant energy of this landscape is one I will never forget.

I also feel this way when surrounded by lots of people.  I think energy is contagious.  In a protest, a concert, a church, or even in a basketball or baseball game, energy exists and for a minute or two it exists you.

Needless to say, it was quite difficult for me to leave our deck.  I felt captured by the beauty that was present. But boy was I glad I left.

What followed was a wonderful afternoon. My husband is a fabulous teacher.  He can make the most mundane thing seem fun and exciting. For the first time in my life I felt excited to learn a sport. He taught me about the bases, about hustle, and I even got to swing a bat. It was super fun.  I had no idea what I was doing, indeed.  But, you know, I felt present. I was there, not in my mind or in the sky, but out of my realm, con mi esposo, and I,

                                      I loved it.

Weeks

Week 7:

Something has changed

I can’t describe it

I just feel different

I know something is wrong

Week 9:

I’m screaming

I’m crying

Why is this happening to me

I’m angry

I’m so not alive

Week 10:

I cannot deny this void

This void of emptyness that has been carved inside my heart

That every morning when I wake,

My chest hurts to know that I will never hold you in my arms

I struggle.

I struggle to face the cold reality

that you are gone.

That I will never hold your little fingers

perhaps you never had any?

I may never be able to touch your skin,

or see those eyes that never formed?

That every night I stayed up worrying

Occurred

And yet in vain

Slowly…

Slowly my stomach has lost its volume

And yet you still lie inside me

But Dead.

Yes perhaps I’m crazy

Life in America is defined upon entering the great big world of oxygen, pain, and injustice

But this wasn’t a mistake

An unplanned occurance

An unexpected miracle

A mishap

I was counting on you living

I intended you to be

And yet life has shown me otherwise

You can’t plan life; It happens

Week 10: the blood from my veins continues to be drawn

HCG, slowly gone

Week 11: New nurse

“How you doing today?” “Looks like someone is having a baby!”

But I can’t hear or maybe I just don’t want to

I shrug my head and begin to explain

“No, I’m having a miscarriage

The baby is still inside me

But there’s no heart beat”

My heart also stops beating at the sound of my own words

Week 12: you are supposed to be an inch an a half long

I want to unsubscribe from the babycenter

You know that site

That site I so excitedly signed up for

Which sent me weekly updates about your growth

Weekly updates

The weeks continue to go by

My breasts have disinflated like day old balloons after a party

The weeks continue to go by

I know I will never forget you

September was your due date

The weeks continue to go by

Week 17: your fragile body finally exits me

The excrutiating pain

And yet no more tears

Blood rushing down my legs

I don’t want to look at him

my husband, the man whose hurting too

I feel ashamed

I don’t want to see him cry

His strong arms hold me and tell me it will be okay

I know he is hurting too

I know he is hurting too

The weeks go by

You are now in my freezer

I can’t flush you away

The only thing I wish to flush away is the weeks that took you from me

It’s over

The weeks are over

And yet continue to go by

I worried about what kind of crib you would have

What colors I would paint the walls of your room

Little did I know that the toughest choice I would make would be what kind of plant you would die in

Good bye my love

Goodbye my baby

The weeks will continue to go by

But my love for you

Will live forever.