November 4, 2021
I believe at some point we all have to figure out a way to see ourselves the ways in which others see us, and what's scarier is to accept and embrace these images as truths about ourselves. I don't know why inherently we are so afraid to come to terms with the reality that maybe some of us are not good people. Maybe some of us are the monsters, the pieces of shit that society despises. I am a piece of shit. I am a person that is deeply flawed, afraid, confused, and eternally unsettled by the idea of staying the same. I want to grow daily into a person that dares to accept herself for who she is; irregardless of how ugly that makes me. I am not going to change. I perhaps can learn to make new decisions that keep who I am in the dark corners where nobody minds, like the dust and dirt under the carpet or a spider in the corner of a room, I may be able to successfully hide these nasty dirty edges that make me an undesirable woman, an angry woman, a violent and mentally ill woman, but at the core, who I am is there and it's so engrained within every cell of my body that to destroy its presence would in essence be to suffocate the life out of my very being; my soul. We all make such great mistakes to assume that souls are to be pure and meaningful or pretty; some of us have souls that were birthed in struggle and in rage and in a refusal to let things slide. I am in a way proud of who I am becoming; a person that dares to stand in the middle of any space and yell " I am that piece of shit" and I am okay with that; there's absolutely nothing wrong with me as I am, I deserve to exist as much as a beautiful flower in a garden or an intense skycape that simply radiates in all its beauty. Anger and darkness have their place and right to exist too. Action requires fire and fire is anything but calm and peaceful and proper and right; fire grows and permeates and rises and burns and does not ever apologize for its flames because that's what gives it power. All this to say; that as I get older, and my face begins to show lines and wrinkles, as I continue to fight and destroy relationships and inconvenience order in the spaces I enter; I am beginning to finally come to see that I am made of fire and have no intention of extinguishing my flames; in spite of those who try to suppress my spirit; I will continue on this journey that only God can take away from me; and if anyone has a problem with that; they can prepare to get burned.
