midnight rant

days like today
loud noises live in silence amidst the exterior busyness of the day
people's desires and expectations
they suffocate me
like a snake they wrap themselves around my neck
as i gasp to breathe i'm reminded yet again how I'm not enough
how we are not eternal
i can't help it
i have come to realize that i am but this person
inappropriate and untimely
i fall short
and yet again

I'm tired god, please
please save me from this skin and its expiration
help me navigate this darkness que me atormenta
rescue me from the past I'm now creating
i may not know how tomorrow ends but i know these are my most beautiful memories
the routine of the ordinary happenings
these are the things you long and miss one day
i wish so badly to return to those instances of simplicity
where nothing mattered more than togetherness, and family
                 
                          -----------------

i lived in a house full of arguments and disputes
we had nothing better to do with our time i guess
we enjoyed the challenging nature of the next debate
i remember fondly sitting around the house, the couch or the dinner table
debating whatever came to mind
       race, politics, technology, music, gender
we had no place to go
no one to visit
we didn't follow sports or anything popular
at most jerry springer and montel williams played in the background
cristina while my mom was cooking rice
        claudia and us
we just sat around yelling, disputing, making sense of the world
what from afar may have seemed like a loud fight
for us it was much more intimate and innocent..the way young boys wrestle or compete
we found pleasure in our arguments
in discovering language and its power to convince, to frame, to stylize and empower a position
i enjoyed it, perhaps too much at that
but it was what we did

mexican people are many at times perceived as submissive and timid
the image of the probervial brown man under a cactus comes to mind
but they're wrong about us
our family was loud
is loud
our voices stood strong and as a kid you learned quickly to be opinionated or enable others opinions to shape and define you

i miss those days

the problem i've faced throughout my life, is that these lessons, these linguistic exercises would later on get me into trouble
most do not like confrontation or dispute
people find it uncomfortable
and so i've made a few people uncomfortable throughout my life
and while i have my regrets i realize now that its something in me
something that perhaps cannot be changed
i say what i think
the truth offends e incomoda

but what's my alternative?
to rest comfortably in politeness?
i don't make love to arbitrary words, its just not in me
i rather die
i don't want to live symbolically
i aint no fucken placeholder
i exist in this every edge of me which is rough and uneven and imperfect
and I'm ok with that

I'm sorry god for seeming insensitive
I'm sorry momma
i do care
i do long to be a good person
i owe that to you momma

i know biting my tongue would make you proud of me
and god knows i'll do anything for my momma

but

you also taught me to be proud

and i can't help it if i am, and very
   esp of you
of being your daughter
of being your enojona
peleonera
fea
  me siento podrida y agridulce
               pero soy fuerte mamita
fuerte like you

life ain't easy
it's shitty right now

i can always tell you anything and everything and today i can't
i can't run to you like i always do
i can't cry to you
i don't want you to know how much it hurts me to know you are going through this
i wish i could take your place

but i have kids too and I'm happy they are safe and that I'm here to care for them the way you cared for me and still today, you are teaching me this

 you are teaching me how to live and how to love without conditions, how to care

i learned as a young child how to fight and to swim in whatever current we encountered, i learned that from watching you and my dad struggle and fight con las unas for our future

and here we are again, life has never been perfect, but you always made it worthwhile
it's still worthwhile and while i may have my moments
i want nothing more than to live and to see you live many more years yelling at me and telling me how i've got it all wrong
i want your voice in my head screaming loudly and telling me to think with my head and not my heart


make no mistake, I'm swimming


i hope and pray planning life for tomorrow could be easier
but my heart is in a coma

it sits still

i can't breathe thinking about tomorrow

what came before today was lovely and I'm enjoying the now just as much,
you exist in these spaces of time and that's good enough for me
tomorrow i don't know
what may come will come
and i just can't envision more than that

I'm broken

fuck you cancer

Anger

today ray and the kids and i took a road trip to yuma, i was so afraid to leave for what seemed like an eternity away from Phoenix.  the thought of something happening to my mom and me not being near enough to come to her in time is something that had me worrying extensively.  the thing is though, that life is so short that it makes sense to live it.  i saw a sign on the drive there, it said "feed your body well, it is where you live" it was an advertisement for organic food.  i didn't eat well today though, i ate crappy, and that's not like me as of the last year or so.  I just feel so very angry about my mom.  it just doesn't make sense to me why she had to get sick.  out of all the people out there that this could have happened to, why her? at times the pain i feel gets translated into an urge to fix things, to do right, to eat well and to take care of myself and my children, and then there's days like today where I just want to quit...i just want to say "fuck you cancer, I'm not afraid of you, i'll do what I want!!" and yet that's exactly what I don't want to do...I want to have this experience be motivation for myself and family to do something positive, to live a healthy lifestyle not just for a year, but permanently.  I realize there will be days where I fail, but I'm committed to keep trying

t r y i n g

to just put in the work and try to live a healthy and productive life, i owe that to my momma.  we had breakfast at cracker barrel.  She loves that place.  I was thinking how nice it would be to be there with her.  ray emerson loves it so much too.  he loves looking at things and playing with the gadgets they have in the store while he contemplates a way to get us to buy him something.  he was so grumpy today, parenting is definitely not easy.  he screams and rages at times in ways that seriously makes me want to lose my cool, but i know its just not what i want for him.  i don't want to compete with his anger and be tough on him.  i want to have a relationship with him, where I'm his safe spot, not a person who controls and makes him afraid.  i'm working on it.  one thing that worked today is just letting him be angry, giving him permission and the space to hate me and everything around him and then allowing him to jump into being happy as soon as he was ready.  i assured him that we loved him and to let us know when he was done being angry.  we didn't lecture him as to why he was mad or why he shouldn't rage, we just worked on rewarding that he was ready to be happy.  i think cancer taught me that, i feel like we all need space to be mad sometimes, even if it's not pretty.  life is not always what we expect or want, and realizing that sooner than later is important

when i was little it always took me forever to find a way to be okay again.  i knew how to get good and angry but i had no idea how to come back from it.  sometimes things my parents said, the way they reasoned with me, or just in having space to think about things, made me realize i was wrong  and though i wanted to be okay again, i just did not know how to do that, how to go from having been at one end of the spectrum to the other.  sometimes my mom would just hug me and that would be just what i needed, but as i grew up, it did not get easier, others didn't know to hug me and help me cross over to being okay.  i had to learn eventually that happiness is just a choice.  you just have to decide when its time to let anger go...

i'm trying

the problem with cancer

it's been a bit over a month that we found out.

Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM

The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.

They found out a couple months earlier.  On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday.  It was confirmed that she would begin treatment.  I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions.  The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other.  I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling.  I'm not well.

It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.

that's the problem

Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know.  Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news.  I have nightmares.  I feel this urge to tell everyone.  I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore.  I'm angry.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life.  Even the sound of laughter bothers me.  All problems pale in comparison.  I don't want to care about anyone but her.  She made me, she's fire.

Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why.  It was all so mysterious.  We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.

5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me.  I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background.  I began to cry as I anticipated the worse.  And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?

8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays.  I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no.  She never says no.  It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.

9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do.  I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything.  She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.

I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do.  'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her.  That's the thing, she's always been there for me.  For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed.  She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart.  She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things.  I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism.  And yet, as a child I never appreciated her.  I took her for granted so many times.  I hated that she felt so overbearing.  That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right.  As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.

She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.

8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"

my heart dropped

through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry.  That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid.  That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry.  As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied.  I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried.  that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad.  That I knew she would be okay.  The last part I meant and still mean.

I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am.  I'm so afraid.  I'm more than sad, I'm broken.  Cancer breaks shit up.

that's my background noise.

AND YET cancer also unites.  it's a wake up call as my mom says.  it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships

there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast

we are all afraid

but,

       all we can do is

                                  Let it Be

and put it on faith,

put it on faith

god willing this nightmare will soon be over