Shared Environments

The weekend has ended. 
As I sat here getting ready to doze off into a restful sleep, I felt the sudden urge to reflect for a moment, and well, write. It's just that this weekend was particularly special.  I didn't do anything of great significance or anything but rather I guess I am just loving the way I felt these last couple of days.  It's almost like if I felt myself growing...or at least beginning to chip away at the edges of uncertainty that many of us know way too very well.

I had picked up the Bisbee Observer, a local newspaper that detailed upcoming community events, and was suddenly inspired to go hiking.  The paper detailed a guided walk to a ranch (I can't quite recall the name) and the other was a guided walk in the San Pedro River.  One was at 7 am on Saturday and the other was at 8 am, also on Saturday.  Though I love mornings, we ended up going to the 8 am one because we were way too tired to wake up on time for the 7 am.

So as I was saying, the walk was a guided tour of the San Pedro River and it was free! Though we had both been there before and absolutely loved it, we thought it might be a good idea to learn a little about this beautiful place, I call it the place with the trees and Ray knows I'm talking about the river.  So there we were.  Lucky for us no one else showed up so we had the guides all to ourselves, they gave us so much information, and encouraged us to ask as many questions as possible and even asked what our interests where so they could taylor what they shared with us to meet our interests. 

They shared that there are many people this time of year who come out to see the birds, and so they focus on all the information about birds, and then there's others who come for the plants, or whose interests are focused on the cultural history of the place, or who are archeologists, or people interested in the water, or in the insects, and that depending on what we were interested in there was wealth of information to share.  At first, I had no idea what to say...I mean first I would have to ask myself...why am I interested? and second, what am I interested in?  I had no answer for myself so I was silent.  My instinct was that I just found the place beautiful but I was unsure if that was a good enough answer.  Lucky for me Ray jumped in and said..well we are interested in the history.  and I was.

So the walk began.  The guides are all volunteers and they call themselves "Friends of the San Pedro River."  They are extremely knowledgeable, and super kind.  Slowly they began to point out a series of details, about the kind of grasses that grow there and which ones are native to the area and which ones are not.  Then they began to point out particular insects, and then they pointed out these checkered butterflies that I had not even noticed.  They pointed out the mequite trees and how they grow in bosques, or woodlands, and the cottonwood trees and how they rely on the water of the river.  Then they showed us these birds and the seeds of certain plants. With each step we took a new detail about our surroundings was unveiled, sounds that were previously dormant began to dance around in my ears, images and details I had glanced over became crystal clear and even my nose began to notice a myriad of smells and scents that slowly triggered my curiousity and mind to wander.  This layer of sensory experiences was then followed by a series of details about the cultural history of the people and the animals that had existed and lived in this area before. 

And then out of all of it...reflection kicked in.  The guides were showing us the many ways in which all of those individual elements of nature were so very alive and interconnected, how each insect, each grass piece, each bird, how they all share a relationship with each other, and the ways in which they rely on one another to accomplish their own existence.  One example they mentioned, was regarding the birds, the birds use the San Pedro to migrate from north to south and from south to north (yes! despite the stupid border, birds migrate to and from Mexico too :)!).  That without the water and the monsoons and the rain that maintains the river, the trees would not grow, so the birds would not have the shade, shelter, and food they need to migrate and survive.  

I learned so much in just that moment.  I know that I should know this but I guess knowing can have many layers and levels of comprehension.  And I guess I had not realized it in the way that I realized it in that moment in time.  I realized just then, after 30 years of existence, that our lives are shared.  Our existence is a series of shared environments with so many different creatures, plants, and nature.  We all depend on one another and we all have our own internal knowledge of fixing and defending and displaying and existing and problematizing what is needed and what nature requires of us.  I've always believed that there's a shared energy in the world, but after saturday, I'm convinced that it goes beyond energy, its a shared existence, a shared environment with the world.  And with that we share a responsibility with all these ecosystems.  I learned that whenever a change occurs with one thing it affects intentionally and unintentionally a series of other things.  So of course, given my passion for immigration, I can't help but wonder what great damage, environmentally, the border does to our shared environments.  I wonder what animals can no longer migrate during harsh weather conditions, what they must think when they confront that steel wall.  I wonder how confused they must feel upon that barrier, or if they simply find ways around it.

I could write pages and pages about all the neat factoids and realizations that came about that lovely morning, but my words would pale in comparison to actually experiencing, understanding, and most of all feeling what I felt in that moment.  I was absolutely and positively present.  I was with the trees and the birds and the butterflies, and the noises of the wind against the cottonwood trees, the sounds of the our guides voices, the steps of my husband's footsteps, I was so very present and felt so very alive.

So before I put myself to sleep, I guess I just wanted to write about this experience, it's definitely one I do not want to forget. 

Oh..and it's worth noting that after that walk, (aside from the beauty of the place) I guess I have a series of things I know I'm interested in and I also know why...so much so that I had to pick up a book from the San Pedro House Bookstore...I was so fascinated and intrigued and excited, I wanted to learn more and more.  I'll have to write an update about what I discover...but I'm so excited about the title: Conservation of Shared Environments: Learning from the United States and Mexico.  One reviewer wrote "a comprehensive look at the challenges of conserving the interconnected ecosystems and migratory linkages shared by Mexico and the United States" (I can't wait to read it!)

but for now...in the words of my hubby...sleeeeeepy time...:)

Waiting For You

Ever since I lost my baby, my Rudy, It's been rare the days that I don't think of or dream of him/her. I often wonder what he/she would look like.  And then I cry or hurt some more.  I'm convinced it was a boy. 
I don't know why..I just always say he..when i think of him...but maybe that's just my own bias living in such a sexist society.  I guess I'm prone to think of my baby as a male.  In any case, I miss him/her, I really do. 

And with all the excitement over the last couple of months..I'm finally beginning to want to try again.  And so we have.  I keep thinking that this next time things will be different.  That I won't miscarry my little creation.  God how I hate that term...miscarry...it so sounds like it was my fault..damn it..i would do anything to carry the next one the right way..if  i only knew what that way was...i thought I was doing it all the last time..and I failed.

But this time, I know I have an edge...I have my little angel watching over the new baby to come...I know he will help me carry him right...

So yeah, we are trying again.  I'm praying and hoping that we are successful and I actually conceive. And secondly, and most importantly that I don't miscarry.

I'm praying so much for a happy ending to this journey. god help me.

It's so painful for me to write about this, but I think I need to just let it out. With our first baby, I wanted to keep it a secret until I knew he was safe and boy did that blow up in my face, because all I want to do now is honor its existence, to say and yell...that he was here with us...and though i miscarried..it wasn't my fault..and i love my Rudy..and I will love the next baby..with so much love...and i won't hide it or be afraid..because fear is for cowards, and i have courage..and i have Rudy with me..and the next time..if i fail..i'll handle it..and i'll have not one angel watching over me..but two..and there's nothing wrong with that...because i rather be a fool with faith than a coward with fear...and so here are my thoughts...uncensored...and stupid..but mine all the same...

Here's something for my baby to be...

Dear Baby,

I hate this world.

I'm sorry I want so badly to bring you into it...but I promise I will bend over backwards to try to make your world something beautiful..something better than what I ever had

I know you don't exist yet..but the good news is that Rudy will take care of you once you do..

I know it. Rudy is with me each and every day..and his existence has brought me strength and perseverance i did not have before...

I want you to know that I'm waiting for you with so much anticipation and excitement...and love..lots and lots of love...

love that is coming from me, from your dad, and most importantly from your baby brother that though not alive lives more than ever inside my heart and soon yours...

te quiero..

your mom

Sin Gente

Summer days at the Naco Migrant Center have been pretty lonely.  While in the spring the center was crowded and full of commotion..the recent days are filled with reflection and most of all, silence.

I always bring a book, but tend to spend most of my days talking with the other volunteers about the center and or exchanging our own theories about whether or not people are still crossing.  We've concluded that they are, but that due to the repatriation efforts and new funding/programs, people are either not crossing through Naco or they are crossing but simply being repatriated through Nogales or flown back to Mexico City after being processed in Tucson.  According to the volunteers who've been there longer, this summer silence is normal...


The heat is so unbearable that I'd like to convince myself that people stopped crossing but then one or two people come in and you realize this is not the case...people continue to cross...

Unfortunately, their stories are also harsher...one guy today expressed that he had been robbed and no longer had any money to return home or keep trying...he looked defeated...as if he had tried to conquer this huge beast and in his case, he had lost...

He asked me how long this repatriation was going to happen, whether enforcement was this hard all the time or just in the summer...he told me he just wanted to go home..but maybe in the fall, he would return and try again...

It's quite amazing to me..their strength...

I know I may sound like I'm objectifying or romanticizing but I'm not..I really see something truly special about people who migrate...they are not like everyone else...

most all the people i've met, their hearts are filled with hope and strength, lots of strength and perseverance...

amidst the many obstacles they face...they continue to try again...and again.

like a passionate love that doesn't die...their courage motivates me to love too...to love humanity...and our ability to fight so hard for a dream, to maintain hope when it's so hard to keep on
most everyone does it for their family or for the dream of "making it" or whatever that should mean...

And yet like love, hate also co-exists...in the background beautiful mountains and desert landscapes observe with indifference

millions of dollars, nativist hate groups, politicians, media, and innocent folk who buy into the rethoric...work together to ensure that the border, the coveted border will keep out the brown folks who are trying to come in...

Just this last weeked the so called Tea Party held a rally in Hereford, AZ, about 15 minutes away from Bisbee and Sierra Vista.  We organized a counter protest in opposition of their rally.  It was awesome...Just to make the statement that they weren't welcomed.

Supporters, in their red white and blue gear drove in with their out of town license plates...to claim ownership of a land they hardly know or recognize...to urge enforcement of the "illegals" who are "invading" their country...

It's quite funny, actually.

Land. 

People feel so entitled to claim it...and yet..they hardly take the time to really get to know it..to explore it..to imprint their existance upon it...Land. yup. Land.

Migrants spend hours getting familiar with the desert, they walk and walk for days on their journey up north...they risk their lives in that land...their spirit resonates in the air...in the gravel, and the many paths that thousands have walked upon...

and like nothing...strangers to this particular land..arrive in their trucks, and suv's with their clever bumper stickers and american flags...to gather..to talk about how they can make the lives' of migrants so difficult, so unbearable, that they'll want to leave...

little do they realize that if the desert didn't defeat them..their ridiculous laws won't either..

sb1070 has brought so much attention to the immigration issue...and yet the border and militirization continues to be a non-issue for advocates...no instead it's all about racial profiling and getting out the vote...we encourage and lie to ourselves that the next candidate won't be a shmuck, but who are we kidding? i hate politicians..i really do...morons without a conscience...all they care about is winning...and then there's the dream act people...message being..let's give the students a chance...and screw everyone else...truly selfish and individualistic messaging...but oh well...i guess i too would be happy to get something rather than nothing...and i do like the dream act..just dont like the whole "stand alone" bill deal...

in any case im glad sb 1070 happened..its truly about time that these injustices came to the forefront, even if through something as awful as sb1070, perhaps that's my privilege talking, but even friends who are undocumented are truly sick of marching without results...at least this blatant attack can stir some action....i just hope its for the benefit of our people...

And then there's the border patrol...can you believe they are now checking people before going into Mexico? Yes...they are..the US is checking people for papers before they leave the states to go into mexico! is it not our right to effen leave when we freaking want to? damn it...just another sign or illustration of their power...and how much its effen growing...(i have a lot more to say..but i'll come back to this) clearly i'm angry...but how can we avoid it..when people are dying over a childish game of this is mine and that is yours...couldn't we all get the point back in kinder garden? it's okay to s h a r e!

pero bueno...enough of my ranting...my only point is that it's been quite an experience volunteering at the migrant center, even when there's no people to help...there's always so much to reflect upon...the irony of it all...con o sin gente

Going Home

The month of july was crazy hectic and yet so amazingly beautiful...so much has happened that this post will probably be all over the place, but that's ok...

rambling is good from time to time..(so i tell myself)

Anyway...

Bisbee weather was absolutely amazing for most of July, flowers started blooming once again, and then of course the smell of rain against the dirt is so absolutely unforgetable...my favorite part, however, is the deep greys and blues that dress the sunsets and skyscapes in the afternoons...i wish i could cherish each and every one of those moments and or put them in some sort of scrapbook to take with me no matter where I go...I suppose there's always the camara...but though I'm fond of photos I don't believe that even a photo can capture the gracious beauty of experiencing it all...for one i think our senses simply don't function as well in isolation...i.e. you can view a beautiful image..but to couple that vision with sound and smell..and even taste..it's something different...perhaps only the mind can store it away in a place where maybe memory alone can find it...but with time memories fade...and then they're gone

oh i don't know..i've been feeling kind of melancholic and lethargic...so i guess the weather is a good place to begin...and then of course there was mexico

with that alone i should be super happy...but everytime something good happens, there's always it's counter opposite, and then there's you...in the middle of it all...

i had the most amazing trip...i took a one week vacation to my hometown (Salvatierra, Guanajuato, Mex) with my family.  It was super fun...but most of all it felt like a relief...a sort of going home feeling for me...

though i now live in the states...i'm not sure I will ever feel like this is my home...my home is salvatierra...

no doubt about it...

yet i don't know why..i mean..i've lived in arizona for most of my life...i only lived in guanajuato till I was eight...i'm now 30...so you do the math...

yet still..i just feel more alive when i'm there...it's the food, the people, the colors, the streets, the smells, and the green, oh man the richness of the green pastures down there are just unreal...i guess that's why i love bisbee...it reminds me in subtle ways to being somewhere different...and yet it's not enough...

anyhow...we drove for about 24 hours until we arrived at our destination...this is a picture of the road there...

 

strangely enough..i believe this is the one and only picture I took...i kept relying on others in my family to take picutres...i so regret this...but anyway...the minute we got there I instantly felt like crying...i was so emotional..i just love the streets of salvatierra...life seems so simple there...

anywho..i tried to make the best of the time i had there...we arrived on a friday..and spent the afternoon with my aunt alta and my cousins, then of course, we made our way to the portal to eat some largas....hmmm...largas!

Largas are these large and particularly thick handmade tortillas (kind of like a huarache...if you are familiar with the term)...you fill them with a variety of foods..from beans de la olla to zuchini to cactus to pico de gallo and/or rajas (strips from a chile poblano with sour cream and onion) and for meat eaters..there's of course lots of choices such as steak and other items...at the portal near the town park or jardin.  The jardin's are very popular in central and southern mexico..it's like a plaza or piazza in italy, they usually sit at the center of the town and typically near a church, there people tend to gather and eat ice cream from one of the many vendors, they also sell cake and other yummies...well in Salvatierra..right across the jardin, is a portal where food vendors gather..and there's anything you can imagine..from largas to enchiladas to tamales to pozole to atole and bunuelos (a sweet desert that will kick your socks off) to hamburgers and also jello with eggnog...yup jello..lol..

So as you can imagine the smells that radiate from the portal captivate and lure you in..pretty much every night...:) and we of course..took full advantage....strangely enough, however, though we ate soooooo much..we actually lost weight...mainly because the food in mexico is just so much fresher and beyond that I think its because you walk everywhere down there...

So as I was saying...we got there on a friday and then spent all of saturday preparing for my cousins wedding.  The ceremony was beautiful with the exception of a bit of drama in the middle of it all..but oh well..the important thing is that the drama did not involve the groom and the bride...so i think that's all that matters...on the contrary their love held on strong throughout the night...it was beautiful...and fun...

We also were lucky enought to make it to the beach...we went to Ixtapa for a couple days and it was so perfect.  My favorite thing to do at a beach is to eat french fries with lots of ketchup while under the influence of a rum and coke...it was a todo incluido deal..i.e. all inclusive hotel..so you could eat and drink as much as you wanted.  In the evenings..they had some amazing shows...with wonderful dancers and singers..and lots of laughing..my dad actually got on stage our last night there and entered some crazy contest where he pretty much made  fool of himself...we cheered him on as much as we could!

And then, as our week vacation came to an end...my husband got sick...it totally sucked because we spent the next day or two indoors..but in a way..it was good to sneak in some rest...after a hectic and exciting few days.  I think it was the cheese in a chile relleno. Unfortunately, some of the cheeses that are unpasteurized can make you sick because they carry bacteria we arent used to unless we lived there...it's the well known travelers diar..ewww! i will not type that word..but you know what i mean...;)

Our last day was pretty magical...Ray surprized me by booking an amazing amazing hotel in the middle of mexico city, with the most amazing panaromic views you can imagine...it was literally a condo...with two rooms, two bathrooms, modern furniture, 42 in LG TV, the works! They even had a brownie waiting for us...in the room...it was so amazing..did i mention the word amazing?

and then just like that...our vacation ended.  So yeah.  That was my vacation. 

We flew back in lieu of driving because my family stayed back an extra week and we needed to get back to Bisbee.  We flew into Hermosillo, the plane ride was a breeze but it was once we arrived at Hermosillo that the problems began.  A crazy cabdriver completely drove us to the wrong bus station..so we missed our bus back to Naco.  Fonally at around 4pm, after putting up with hunger and the unbearable heat...we took a seven hour bus ride back to Agua Prieta, and then Ray's mom generously picked us up and took us back to Bisbee...whew! we were t i r e d! and so relieved to be back....but amidst it all..in the silence...i began to miss salvatierra, my home sweet home.