Waiting For You

Ever since I lost my baby, my Rudy, It's been rare the days that I don't think of or dream of him/her. I often wonder what he/she would look like.  And then I cry or hurt some more.  I'm convinced it was a boy. 
I don't know why..I just always say he..when i think of him...but maybe that's just my own bias living in such a sexist society.  I guess I'm prone to think of my baby as a male.  In any case, I miss him/her, I really do. 

And with all the excitement over the last couple of months..I'm finally beginning to want to try again.  And so we have.  I keep thinking that this next time things will be different.  That I won't miscarry my little creation.  God how I hate that term...miscarry...it so sounds like it was my fault..damn it..i would do anything to carry the next one the right way..if  i only knew what that way was...i thought I was doing it all the last time..and I failed.

But this time, I know I have an edge...I have my little angel watching over the new baby to come...I know he will help me carry him right...

So yeah, we are trying again.  I'm praying and hoping that we are successful and I actually conceive. And secondly, and most importantly that I don't miscarry.

I'm praying so much for a happy ending to this journey. god help me.

It's so painful for me to write about this, but I think I need to just let it out. With our first baby, I wanted to keep it a secret until I knew he was safe and boy did that blow up in my face, because all I want to do now is honor its existence, to say and yell...that he was here with us...and though i miscarried..it wasn't my fault..and i love my Rudy..and I will love the next baby..with so much love...and i won't hide it or be afraid..because fear is for cowards, and i have courage..and i have Rudy with me..and the next time..if i fail..i'll handle it..and i'll have not one angel watching over me..but two..and there's nothing wrong with that...because i rather be a fool with faith than a coward with fear...and so here are my thoughts...uncensored...and stupid..but mine all the same...

Here's something for my baby to be...

Dear Baby,

I hate this world.

I'm sorry I want so badly to bring you into it...but I promise I will bend over backwards to try to make your world something beautiful..something better than what I ever had

I know you don't exist yet..but the good news is that Rudy will take care of you once you do..

I know it. Rudy is with me each and every day..and his existence has brought me strength and perseverance i did not have before...

I want you to know that I'm waiting for you with so much anticipation and excitement...and love..lots and lots of love...

love that is coming from me, from your dad, and most importantly from your baby brother that though not alive lives more than ever inside my heart and soon yours...

te quiero..

your mom