it's been a bit over a month that we found out.
Tue, Mar 29, 5:02 PM
The date and time stared at me in a text message as I processed 101 configurations of what news my dad would divulge to us at 8:30 pm that evening.
They found out a couple months earlier. On March 4th, we all went out to eat for my Dad's birthday. It was confirmed that she would begin treatment. I keep replaying the dinner over and over again in my head, attempting to remember every detail of that evening's interactions. The way my mom smiled at me and the way my parents smiled at each other. I remember how adamant my dad had been about all of us going to Rocky Point for his birthday the last time we'd gathered. It hurts. It hurts to know that as we sat there oblivious to the notion of anything wrong, they sat there, composed and 'normal,' they looked at us proudly from afar, asked to take photos of each one of us with our partners, they sat there trying to hide all the pain they must have been feeling. I'm not well.
It's crazy, you never think this will happen to you, to someone you love, to your mom.
that's the problem
Thu, Apr 21, 7:44 PM
As I walk into a room, if I cross glances with someone, anyone, I wonder if they know. Why would they? But these are the kind of thoughts that enter my mind ever since the news. I have nightmares. I feel this urge to tell everyone. I don't want people to think it's just a normal day, life is not normal anymore. I'm angry. I hate everyone and everything. I hate politics, I hate activism, I hate life. Even the sound of laughter bothers me. All problems pale in comparison. I don't want to care about anyone but her. She made me, she's fire.
Tue, Mar 29, 1:00 PM
I had seen my dad that day, he didn't say anything just that he was wanting us to go to the house, but just us, that he wanted to talk to us, but he wouldn't say why. It was all so mysterious. We had heard various news about my Dad's health not being well over the last year, so I along with my siblings automatically feared something was wrong with him.
5:45 PM
When Ray got home from work I told him, he seemed worried but told me that everything would be okay, that no matter what they told me that he loved me. I put my sweater on and got in my car to leave, as I drove off Let It Be played in the background. I began to cry as I anticipated the worse. And just like that, out of no where, the thought popped into my head, it's my mom?
8:15PM
my sisters, brother, and I gathered anxiously in the house, my mom suggested we sit in the large living room, an occurrence that seldom happens with the exception of holidays. I asked why we didn't go to the table, we always gather around the table, but she said no. She never says no. It was obvious this was serious, and I was not prepared.
9:30 AM
I dropped off the kids at daycare that day and I called my mom, as I usually do. I asked what she was up to and before she could answer I proceeded to tell her the laundry list of problems I had and what she thought about everything. She listened carefully and tried to give me the guidance that I've come to rely on over the years.
I spoke to my mom several times that day as I usually do. 'Go ask your mom' ray teases me sometimes...he gives me a hard time because of my inability to ever make a decision without consulting her. That's the thing, she's always been there for me. For everyone that ever needed her or didn't know they needed her, she's always been the kind of person that can't remain unnoticed. She's stubborn and she's so fucken smart. She's a problem solver, nothing is ever too difficult for her, because she always figures things out, she's a doer, a person with a positive and persistent drive to get shit done, to solve any dilemma and not dwell on things. I grew up blessed to have this resource of knowledge and optimism. And yet, as a child I never appreciated her. I took her for granted so many times. I hated that she felt so overbearing. That her opinion was always offered, and that she was always right. As I grew up, I began to realize more and more how much I needed her, how incredibly beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her daughter.
She's kind, she's good, she's resilient.
8:30 PM
my dad told us he had bad news, that it was a delicate subject and he was sorry he had not told us sooner, that they did not want to worry us, that this and that and it all blurred away into white noise as he spoke and explained and explained, eventually we asked what and who, my mom spoke up loudly as if she was claiming a prize, "Yo" "Yo tengo cancer"
my heart dropped
through the silence the scream of one of my sister's pain froze me, my mom proceeded to beg her and all of us not to cry. That if we loved her we would be strong for her, because she knows she will be okay, and that she's not afraid. That she assured us she would be just fine but she needed us to be strong for her and not cry. As I look at my siblings pain, I interrupted her and lied. I told her that I wasn't sad nor worried. that I was not going to be sad if she wasn't sad. That I knew she would be okay. The last part I meant and still mean.
I did my best to conceal how frightened I was and am. I'm so afraid. I'm more than sad, I'm broken. Cancer breaks shit up.
that's my background noise.
AND YET cancer also unites. it's a wake up call as my mom says. it wakes you up, shakes you up and tells you that all you thought mattered may not matter anymore, that the only thing worth a damn is family and love and relationships
there is so much happening right now, 2 emergency room visits later, one cycle of chemo later, drugs, tears, rage, fear, love, organic food, medical marijuana card, hair cuts, arguments with doctors, food, lots of food...family -- Its' all happening, and its happening so fast
we are all afraid
but,
all we can do is
Let it Be
and put it on faith,
put it on faith
god willing this nightmare will soon be over
No comments:
Post a Comment