11 weeks

I'm officially 11 weeks pregnant and all I can say is; thank God.  The nausea and crazy fatigue is slowly wearing off and I am anxiously envisioning the finish line to this first trimester.  God how scared I am each time I think about it.  I keep hoping that if I survive the first trimester that somehow I will feel better and things will feel a little less scary.  but the truth is that i think this crazy feeling of uncertainty is not going away anytime soon. 

Last night I fell into tears out of literally no where.  I was watching tv with my husband, just loving life, feeling so good and secure as i rested in his arms.  we were watching some dumb commercials and I began to say how excited I was for xmas time, particularly the xmas carols on the radio.  And that was it...that simple thought spurred a series of memories from exactly 13 months ago.  I remember hearing and singing along to Maria Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" and the song made me cry.  The thing is that when I first heard it I told ray that this was my song for our baby Rudy. that all i wanted for xmas was to see our little baby rudy be born...

its almost been a year since i was pregnant with Rudy, it was December of 2009.  and now almost xmas time again and i swear i can sing the same song, but i'm scared.

i want so badly for this wish to come true this time. i dont want to miscarry again....dear god, please help me.....the most painful part is that i wanted so badly for rudy to be born, and i miss my little angel..no matter how happy i am to be expecting again, to be 11 weeks, i can't help but to still feel sad for the loss of my first baby. i will always think of him/her this time of year...and so i guess i will sing this song again...because it's beautiful and so true for me today and always...all i want for xmas is YOU...baby...

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is...

You



I don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

You baby



I won't ask for much this Christmas

I don't even wish for snow

I'm just gonna keep on waiting

Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it

To the North Pole for Saint Nick

I won't even stay awake to

Hear those magic reindeers click

'Cause I just want you here tonight

Holding on to me so tight

What more can I do

Baby all I want for Christmas is you

Ooh baby

All the lights are shining

So brightly everywhere

And the sound of children's

Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing

I hear those sleigh bells ringing

Santa won't you bring me the one I really need

Won't you please bring my baby to me...



Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas

This is all I'm asking for

I just want to see my baby

Standing right outside my door

Oh I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

Baby all I want for Christmas is...

You

All I want for Christmas is you... baby