Alright, it's 5:06 am and I have been awake for at least three hours.
I have so much on my mind lately that this is starting to become a pattern. I wake up at 2 or 3 am and no matter how hard I try to silence those internal and bothersome thoughts, I fail each and every time. By nine or eleven am at the latest, I am sure I will be crashing and wanting to sleep myself into oblivion.
What's wrong with me? I kept thinking for awhile it had something to do with the pregnancy, but now i'm not so sure. I'm officially 26 weeks pregnant! yey! well..sort of..this is one amongst other things that have kept me up in the wee hours of the night....(I am starting to believe that I have my pregnancy dates wrong, I can't for the life of me remember when the first day of my last menstrual period was--& for those of you who know about pregnancy, you know how 'critical' this day is to determine your so called 'due date') so anyhow this thought is one amongst others that refuses to go away...why does it matter anyway when i'm due? it's not like due dates are a hundred percent accurate...right? I guess it really comes down to my own need to know, afterall we did plan this pregnancy for quite some time, you would think i would have the date (of my last period) recorded, somewhere! but nope...this is what happens when you completely rely on technology...you see i had the damn date recorded in some dumb application i downloaded on my cellphone...then my cellphone broke..and upon replacing it with a newly functional one...there went my recordings of this important factoid in my pregnancy! grrr!!! and the thing is that this whole doubt unfolded upon my last prenatal visit, according to my midwife...my uterus is measuring 3 centimeters longer than expected. Initially, I thought this was great news..our baby is certainly growing..but then she began to recommend that I get an ultrasound to verify the dates, she stated that "we" needed "to know" and that I either have my due date wrong or I may be having twins..or there might be something wrong with me...Ray and I dismissed her concerns immediately and told her we were not interested in an ultrasound until there was reason to believe that that there was something wrong with me or the baby...and she agreed to wait to see my measurements the upcoming month and go from there...so naturally, ever since this stupid interaction..i have been driving myself nuts trying to remember if i in fact gave the birth center the correct dates and i'm not somehow behind...oh well...i guess this is where faith needs to come in..and i need to just trust that things will turn out okay...the baby(s) is moving around..i feel good..minus the lack of sleep..i should be happy...and i am...just a bit neurotic sometimes..that's all...
so anyhow..i began by stating that i thought my insomnia was not due to the pregnancy..and there i went rambling away about my pregnancy worries! lol! i guess what i'm trying to say is that like this worry..there have been others that continue to invade my ability to sleep...another example is the fact that my dissertation is finally coming along. My proposal and comps portfolio is officially due today...so naturally..i'm worried about getting it turned in as promised to my professors. I was supposed to work on it this weekend..but like all plans..life happens. My hubby got extremely sick with some awful cold or flu not sure which..and so we spent all weekend being sickos...at first I was completely fine..and focused on taking care of him and our house...but next thing you know, I started to feel not so good myself and yeah...there went saturday and sunday...
i also have this strange fascination with chocolate lately...i know..for most people this is not or should not be strange..since most of us love chocolate..but you see..i was not amongst this group..in fact for the most part, prior to being pregnant..i was never a sweets type of person...i always loved spicy foods, and sure the occasional kit kat..but never a craving for anything sweet...and now..i've truly became a monster for sweet things...i try and try to avoid them...because i know it's not healthy for my baby...but sometimes..i simply fail...yesterday...amidst the rutt that ray and i found ourselves in...i decided to satisfy my fleeting craving for chocolate..and made a batch of fudge brownies...OMG! they were sooooo goood!! and sooooooooooooooooooo unbelievably awful..i spent the rest of the night with acid reflux and feeling the aftermath of what seemed like a good idea completely gone wrong!! my heart was beating like crazy..and i felt like i was on some crazy caffeine high...sooooo not a good idea...
perhaps this too...contributed to my inability to sleep...but truthfully...this is more than a one night thing...i has been happening for numerous nights now...i wake up wanting to go pee..and next thing you know...i can't sleep the rest of the night/morning...
so today, i finally decided that instead of wasting my night held hostage and captive to my crazy mind and all its worries..perhaps it might be a good idea to stop resisting this insomnia and use my time awake..in a more productive manner....so here i am...blogging or rambling...i have a load of laundry in the washer..and hopefully in a couple of minutes...i will start working on my dissertation proposal! jeez...perhaps this no sleep thing is a blessing afterall...i'll just have to gather sleep when i can get it....
the other thing, is that ray and i have began this pattern of waking up at 5 am to go to the gym...it's not a consistent one yet..but for well over two or three months now we have been trying to fit excercise into our schedules..and it seems the early mornings are the best times...but like i said...ray is sick..and i'm getting there...so im taking this as a reason to not go today!
okay...enough of my rambling...hopefully this waking up will help me actually get some writing done! here's hoping!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
February Fatigue
Being pregnant has made me so very happy and yet at the same time filled me with an inmmense amount of frustrations, worries, and um, lazyness.
okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself. I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am. just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...
i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason.
The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics. And, I'm officially married to one. My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops. My mother, just the same, she is always up to something. Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!
So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...
my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!
problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(
okay perhaps its just fatigue..but either way, i honestly don't feel like myself. I AM NOT COMPLAINING...okay, I am. just a little anyway..but i think it's always a good thing to be able to vent through writing some of the frustrations that one feels too embarrassed to speak out loud...
so as i was saying...i clearly remember the days where i would do do do and no matter what time of day it was, it seemed i always had the energy for more...
perhaps it's just my age?
i am getting older....but...nah...I don't believe that's the reason.
The truth is, I come from a family of workaholics. And, I'm officially married to one. My father, is like a horse, he goes and goes and never stops. My mother, just the same, she is always up to something. Needless to mention my brother and sisters, yesica is always working overtime and jazmin, well the girl pretty much worked everyday throughout her entire pregnancy!
So what's up with me? why am i so non-chalant about everything lately? the truth is that my scattered mind has simply became even more scattered with the passage of time...
my interests have became more diverse, and i can't even recall how many mental to do lists I have going on in my brain...i suppose that like a computer..my memory or speed just seem to slow down with the myriad of open windows and tabs!
problem is that unlike a computer where you can simply buy a new one, or repair the old one by clearing some space in the hardrive or adding additional memory or whatever technical term exists for it, with the human mind or brain...these are not valid options! :(
so...im screwed. or at the very least...fatigued.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Birth Rights and Birth Rape?
I am officially 17 weeks pregnant and feel so excited and yet so incredibly terrified all at once. I suppose my mind should be focused on the joys of the holiday season, or saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming the new year of 2011. But, it's not. Most of my thoughts are centered around one little person; my unborn 17 week baby.
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Last Two Weeks
The last two weeks have been absolutely crazy and exhausting and I just can't wait for December to be over! Seriously! I am just soooooooooooooooo tired.
It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.
But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success! Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect. The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch." We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne. The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:) The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes. Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it!
We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City. But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me. I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!! Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...
i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!
And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....
It all began with having a gazillion to do's for my sister's baby shower, which I volunteered to do, and while I don't regret it..I highly underestimated the amount of work it would take.
But alas...I accomplished my side of the deal...and the shower was a great success! Everything looked super duper cute..particularly the food, which I ensured was absolutely colorful and perfect. The shower was held in the late morning, so we had a "snoopy themed brunch." We had croissants, these adorable yellow lemon cakes from costco, chocolate fudge brownies, raspberry and cheesecake pastries, mini quiches, watermelon, canteloupe, pineapple, berries, grapes, a cheese and meat tray, tamales, and breakfast burritos, yogurt, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee, and mimosas with your choice of cider or champagne. The food was displayed buffet style with the most adorable signs made by yours truly...:) The signs had clever little names (an idea I stole off a website) such as charlie brown chocolate fudge, or lucy and linus lemon cakes. Everything looked amazing and everyone absolutely loved it!
We decorated with ivory and blue balloons and these other decorations we got from Party City. But anywho...after that was over...a challenging and tiring week away from my hubby awaited me. I stayed in Phoenix to help my mother in law pack and move...and needless to say i don't want to see another cardboard box or tape in a very very long time!! Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced...yet it is absolutely exhausting...and I'm not used to giving myself breaks or allowing myself time to rest..I enjoy the hecticness or rush of things...i just tend to work much better under pressure...but with my new little baby...it just doesnt work that way anymore...
i constantly have to go pee or drink water or take a break because my back is killing me from all the moving around...not to mention the fact that my boobs have gotten so big and heavy! and it really really sucks...none of my bras fit me anymore and i constantly have to 'adjust myself' but, i am not complaining! simply saying....i am tired!
And now..here we are just a couple of days before xmas! and i'm barely sending this post...a draft that has been sitting in my blog for at least a week...but i guess we all have those days...at any rate i am hitting the publish button just so i can move on..and hopefully start blogging as things happen and not having to rewrite what i did two weeks ago....jeez i really suck sometimes! ohhhhh well....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
UP - d o w n
So despite all my fears for a depressing and catastrophic thanksgiving..it all turned out to be a surprisingly wonderful holiday weekend. I had an amazing time cooking with my dad and getting schooled on the proper way to cut an onion...it was amazing! it was so good to be with my husband and thank god for all the ups and downs that life can bring us...in one year had a new job twice, moved twice, and got pregnant twice, not to mention losing Rudy. Not everyone we love was present at our thanksgiving table..but it was a beautiful table and they were definitely present in our hearts. We ate a gazillion amount of food...it is almost sinful if you think about it..but it was what it was and we loved it. By the end of the night everyone crashed tired as can be, there was no dancing as there usually is...but that's okay. There was enough dancing of flavors in our mouth as it was, any more movement would have ended in a painful and regretful experience....:)
Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about. Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time. My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts! (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!
The next day, my mother in law came down to see us. This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together. We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite). We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall.
Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate. I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine. You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense. Before you know it you feel so insignificant. That's life I guess.
So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program. I hate them! Literally. They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it. Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.
So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal. I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...
so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?
That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)
Anyhow, the next day was of course Black Friday...and while my hubby and I are not experienced in this quite grand event...we figured we would make an effort to check it out and see what all the fuzz was about. Sure enough..it was a very big deal! for a lot of people...and we make as much fun of the deal while having fun as we could...my conclusion is that it's definitely a fever that you can catch...the deal hunting is contagious..and the energy of the crazy people running around in a frenzy...made us laugh and overall we had a great time. My husband found a wonderful deal on a suit...and we got matching ASU sweatshirts! (which we are planning to wear to my very first live football game! ;))( < --The smile is for my husband, I'm still hesitant to cave in..but for him...anything!) Anyhow...we also stood in line at banana republic to purchase what is for certain the greatest deal on a shirt ever! $6 bucks! can you believe it?! We just made the best of the experience and got what we put in...a fun time!
The next day, my mother in law came down to see us. This was the cherry on top of the whole weekend, because it had been a while since we had hung out together. We went to the movies and hung out and were lazy bums watching desperate housewives and the food network (my favorite). We had a wonderful time overall! and wish every weekend was as up and this one was for us, afterall.
Of course....reality is always a bully...and soon enough has pushed me down so badly that just yesterday i was envisioning a way to crawl into a rock and suffocate. I did not want to breathe or live, I swear! How does this happen? How do wonderful things happen and you feel this life high that is so profound and wonderful..and in seconds...you get pushed back down into the lowest low you could imagine. You feel like your life has been turned upside down and nothing, i mean nothing makes any sense. Before you know it you feel so insignificant. That's life I guess.
So what happned....aghh.....it's something we knew would happen..but weren't counting on it, till say a year! our house in phoenix got foreclosed, sold, within one freaking month of being denied for a loan modification program. I hate them! Literally. They totally screwed everything up and I don't want to go into more details..because its pointless...but b a s i c a l l y (as i like to say)...something went terribly wrong..and we are dealing with it. Happily..i have a wonderful husband and family...and we have faith everything will be okay in the end.
So today, I've been soooo out of it all...My sister's baby shower is this saturday and I've tried to stay focused on helping her out with that..but i swear im so out of sorts over the whole deal. I feel like such a failure for losing the house...but it is what it is...
so when things seem to go wrong for me...the only thing that will cheer me up is food....that sounds so bad...like i'm some sort of addict...but that's okay, right?
and so...my most recent accomplishment...butternut squash soup....yumm! just waiting for hubby to come in and say husband home! so we can dive in....
That's the wonderful thing about food, you make it and its done...no waiting for the rewards...:) it lifts you up...when you feel so damn down...:)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Holidays
Well....we are officially back from Santa Fe!
and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's. Yup, the holidays are here! Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays. I don't know what it is exactly. Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family. Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.
Not this year.
Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated. The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.
Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st. Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas. The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation. Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch?
To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house. That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys. Dilemma solved right? Wrong.
Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt.
I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays? In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself. I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...
aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....
and the week has already been filled with a gazillion to do's. Yup, the holidays are here! Normally I am super hyped and excited about the holidays. I don't know what it is exactly. Perhaps its the christmas carols on the radio or the yummy scent of pumpkin spice, the seasonal drinks and pastries or the chaos and excitement in the streets, redecorating the house, or the simple fact that you get to spend it with family. Perhaps its all those things, that culminate and make me feel like a kid before my first day of school. Nervous, happy, excited.
Not this year.
Yup, I said it...I think for some reason as you grow older things just get so freaking complicated. The holiday drama you heard about in passing, somehow becomes your reality and there you are, in the middle of it, dreading thanksgiving, dreading christmas, and just wishing; just wishing for january first to come around so you can start writing the date wrong on things and smile at the realization that once again, a year has passed and a new one has begun.
Yes, I am so very ready for January 1st. Still, I don't live in a rock, and like most difficult things in life, sometimes you just have to suck it up and face the music.
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated, anxious, and worried. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and soon after that is the dilemma of christmas. The dilemma lies in the fact that now that I am married holidays no longer have anything to do with cheer and everything to do with negotiation. Where to go? Whose house to visit? Who's mad at us? Why are we not staying in touch?
To try to resolve this dilemma my hubby and I decided that the best way to be fair and inclusive of all our family, would be to have thanksgiving at our house. That way everyone is invited and we don't have to be the bad guys. Dilemma solved right? Wrong.
Instead, we now have more questions to haunt us. Who's coming for thanksgiving? Who's not coming? Why aren't they coming? Who's mad at us? Who are we not including? Who feels left out?
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I really don't want to deal with it! No matter which way you place things, it seems someone always ends up being hurt.
I simply don't get it, why can't everyone just come together and celebrate the meaning of holidays? In the end, its not about the food or the carols or the pretty surroundings, or even the holiday itself. I think it's really about picking a random day--stealing a moment in time-- to love life and reflect on all its given us, or on how its kicked the shit out of us and yet we are still here; living...
aghhhhh.....i dont know how thanksgiving will actually turn out, or if i'll succeed in my plan to boycott christmas, but for now..i think i'll enjoy the journey there....i'm off to get the house ready for thanksgiving...and perhaps take a couple of breaks here and there to enjoy a yummy piece of pumpkin pie...why not? yeah, i don't love pumpkin pie..but it is that time of year...minus will enjoy it while it lasts....
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Santa Fe
Despite how sad life can seem sometimes, the truth is that I feel so lucky to wake up everyday and live.
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe. My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job. So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe.
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.
I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months. I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up. Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel. After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!
This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra. In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle. I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food. They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.
And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here. I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way. I even feel like drawing or watercoloring. It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again. I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.
Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe. We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday. It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it. The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.
So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long. Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower. After that its baby names and baby registry. So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).
a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:
..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....
Most recently, I find myself feeling so blessed to be on a one week getaway to Santa Fe. My husband is here for work, at a training for his new job. So while he gets to sit in his training learning lots and lots, I get to pretty much enjoy Santa Fe.
Needless to say, the horrible pregnancy symptoms of bloating, nausea, fatigue, and constipation seem a bit less awful when surrounded by such beauty and pleasure.
I must admit that this is the most I've gotten out in a couple of months. I have been enclosing myself in a cocoon or nest back in Bisbee/Tucson trying to gather the energy to smile after a long day of nausea and dizziness. But slowly, things are looking up. Here in Santa Fe, I can't exactly sit myself in a room all day, so I've gathered the strength to tough it out and get out of the hotel. After all, how lucky am I to be here?! Very!
This place is simply beautiful. The buildings are so charming full of galleries and shops (sort of like bisbee) but with a jardin like in salvatierra. In short, it really is magical, and the food is abso-lutely delicious...I've been eating as much as my stomach can handle. I love love chiles, and this is an ingredient as crucial to Santa Fe cuisine as salt is to mexican food. They have a variety of versions, red and green chile and surprizingly many of their plates are vegetarian! Which is just amazing.
And even more strange, is the fact that I actually feel like working and being productive here. I dont know what it is about me, I think I am just plain crazy sometimes, irrational in so many ways...but I swear that whenever I find myself in beautiful or interesting places, instead of having the urge to explore and look around, I instead get this pulse and urging desire to just write, to be productive, to use my mind and brain in some sort of way. I even feel like drawing or watercoloring. It's like the creative part of my brain, or whatever is left of it, suddenly revitalizes and feels young again. I feel like exploring...but not the beautiful exterior elements and environment of the town, the shops, the streets, the churches, the buildings, the restaurants, the people, the weather---no, i feel like exploring alright, but exploring the interior part of my world, a part that seldom gets any attention these days.
Anyway, here I am. In Santa Fe. We arrived sunday evening and are here till friday. It's tuesday now, and I am loving every minute of it. The days are filled with thinking and pondering and the evenings are filled with love in the sweet company of the man that gives me this; space to be myself and to love waking up everyday and live.
The nausea and feelings of sickness comes and goes, but overall, I'm pushing myself to get the many piling tasks scratched off that dreaded mental list of to do's.
So far I'm working on a narrative for my comprehensive exams portfolio, an assignment I have put off for way too long. Alas! There is progress! ....And on an entire different level, getting the details finalized for my sister and her hubby's baby shower. After that its baby names and baby registry. So much to think about before the baby comes (yes, I do feel scared to think about the future, but i keep telling myself..nope nothing but positive thoughts in this scenario).
a couple more to do's i am forcing myself to accomplish before my trip is over:
..........take some photos of this beautiful place.....
.......enjoy...don't take any minute for granted....
Monday, November 15, 2010
11 weeks
I'm officially 11 weeks pregnant and all I can say is; thank God. The nausea and crazy fatigue is slowly wearing off and I am anxiously envisioning the finish line to this first trimester. God how scared I am each time I think about it. I keep hoping that if I survive the first trimester that somehow I will feel better and things will feel a little less scary. but the truth is that i think this crazy feeling of uncertainty is not going away anytime soon.
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby
I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...
Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is...
All I want for Christmas is you... baby
Last night I fell into tears out of literally no where. I was watching tv with my husband, just loving life, feeling so good and secure as i rested in his arms. we were watching some dumb commercials and I began to say how excited I was for xmas time, particularly the xmas carols on the radio. And that was it...that simple thought spurred a series of memories from exactly 13 months ago. I remember hearing and singing along to Maria Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" and the song made me cry. The thing is that when I first heard it I told ray that this was my song for our baby Rudy. that all i wanted for xmas was to see our little baby rudy be born...
its almost been a year since i was pregnant with Rudy, it was December of 2009. and now almost xmas time again and i swear i can sing the same song, but i'm scared.
i want so badly for this wish to come true this time. i dont want to miscarry again....dear god, please help me.....the most painful part is that i wanted so badly for rudy to be born, and i miss my little angel..no matter how happy i am to be expecting again, to be 11 weeks, i can't help but to still feel sad for the loss of my first baby. i will always think of him/her this time of year...and so i guess i will sing this song again...because it's beautiful and so true for me today and always...all i want for xmas is YOU...baby...
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby
I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...
Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
You
All I want for Christmas is you... baby
Thursday, November 4, 2010
soooooooooooooo much has happened part 2
Tucson here we come!
so part of the reason(s) i've been so out of it..is because one i'm pregnant..and 2, as of sept 21st we had to begin a desperate search for a house in Tucson, asap, help get our house in bisbee rented, and after that spend pretty much everyday packing and getting ready for our big move!
but we did it! we left the beautiful and gorgeous city of Bisbee on october 16th, 2010!
the pregnancy fatigue had began to kick in and my usual energetic 'can handle it all' self was pretty much a gonner...but to the rescue came my awesome sister yesica. She came down to Bisbee for about a week..and really helped us get it done..and we did...we packed everything up just in time for our move...
it was a crazy ride...but we are now happily moved in to our new home...
it was actually really sad..because i do do love love love bisbee..it is a beautiful place full of charm and natural beauty...not to mention the people that you meet...the volunteers at the migrant center were some of the nicest people i've ever know...people con corazon..and i am going to miss them...but still...i wont deny that it was equally exciting to begin yet another journey with my husband....
my new house does not have the exagerado..gorgeous view of the mountains staring at me from the window...but there are certainly some wonderful perks...
for one...i now have a huge walk in closet :) and since i love to cook...my kitchen is so freaking beautiful! it even has an island! and finally...the best part is that i have a bathtub!! i am literally obsessed with water...i think i was a fish in another life..because i can spend hours in the shower...and so a bathtub...its like a xmas present, everytime you use it...for reals!
anyhow this pretty much wraps up all the recent news...
oh yeah..one more thing...we have a snake behind our house...not on purpose..it just showed up..but some people say its good luck so im not about to mess with it...let the good luck pour in...:)
so part of the reason(s) i've been so out of it..is because one i'm pregnant..and 2, as of sept 21st we had to begin a desperate search for a house in Tucson, asap, help get our house in bisbee rented, and after that spend pretty much everyday packing and getting ready for our big move!
but we did it! we left the beautiful and gorgeous city of Bisbee on october 16th, 2010!
the pregnancy fatigue had began to kick in and my usual energetic 'can handle it all' self was pretty much a gonner...but to the rescue came my awesome sister yesica. She came down to Bisbee for about a week..and really helped us get it done..and we did...we packed everything up just in time for our move...
it was a crazy ride...but we are now happily moved in to our new home...
it was actually really sad..because i do do love love love bisbee..it is a beautiful place full of charm and natural beauty...not to mention the people that you meet...the volunteers at the migrant center were some of the nicest people i've ever know...people con corazon..and i am going to miss them...but still...i wont deny that it was equally exciting to begin yet another journey with my husband....
my new house does not have the exagerado..gorgeous view of the mountains staring at me from the window...but there are certainly some wonderful perks...
for one...i now have a huge walk in closet :) and since i love to cook...my kitchen is so freaking beautiful! it even has an island! and finally...the best part is that i have a bathtub!! i am literally obsessed with water...i think i was a fish in another life..because i can spend hours in the shower...and so a bathtub...its like a xmas present, everytime you use it...for reals!
anyhow this pretty much wraps up all the recent news...
oh yeah..one more thing...we have a snake behind our house...not on purpose..it just showed up..but some people say its good luck so im not about to mess with it...let the good luck pour in...:)
sooooooooooo much has happened....part 1
Jeez...I feel like its been forever since I last wrote on here..I know that everyone who starts a blog..has one or two of these type of posts...but seriously...it's been absolutely crazy these last couple of months that I have no idea where to begin...my life has literally been turned upside down..but in incredible & wonderful ways...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...
I'M PREGNANT!
ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...
anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...
simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...
we felt so doomed in every which way possible...
but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!
it feels so magical...
i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...
i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..
i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...
i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.
anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...
still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)
so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!
we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...
in short...I'm happy************
first and foremost...just a couple months ago i was still struggling with the loss of our little angel, and till this day I sometimes wake up from a dream filled with tears and frustrated feelings of loss, incompleteness, and pain...yet today..this void feels a bit less empty...
I'M PREGNANT!
ray and i had began trying pretty much since about the end of june, but our efforts were yielding no results....i found myself obsessed with taking pregnancy tests only to discover no hope whatsoever...now that i think about it..i kind of wish i had written more about this experience because it was without doubt, soooo frustrating and difficult...
anyhow...i began to feel so horrible about myself...i dont know why..but to see the look on my hubby's face when i told him the tests were negative, was so absolutely depressing...
simultaneously...ray had been coming home extremely exhausted and pretty much fed up with his job, he had applied to some positions with the federal public defenders office and had even gotten a couple interviews but had not heard back in quite a while...
we felt so doomed in every which way possible...
but like i said...things are different now...as of august 27, 2010...we are officially pregnant again!!!
it feels so magical...
i cried and cried when i found the little faint blue line on the pregnancy test...
i called my hubby immediately at work..and he was equally ecstatic..of course a little more hesitant to celebrate than me..considering the many fears associated with this news once you've had a miscarriage..
i guess he was afraid that if i was wrong..that i might be too hurt to recover...he was protecting me...but like i tell him often...
i'm not going to live my life in fear...this is the information i have right now..and im going to be happy and if tomorrow i have to cry...i'll cry, tomorrow..not gonna ruin the present with the future or the past..not gonna do it...yup. not gonna do it.
anyhow, this (living in the now) is something im still learning to do and to apply to the rest of my life..but i swear i'm really trying...
still..i immediately made an appointment to get my blood work tests so that I could confirm the pregnancy and also my hcg count (i.e. pregnancy hormone levels)
so just when we found ourselves without hope...we got some fabulous news, on september 21st...we got a call from the doctor's office confirming our pregnancy and that my hcg levels were 'normal'..and literally that same day...ray got a call from the federal public defenders office! he got the job! i.e. we were moving! and we were pregnant!
we cried so much that day! tears of joy and happinness and relief! it looked like things were looking up for us once again...looking up after a terrible and difficult year...and without a doubt there is one little person that always comes to mind in times like these...our little angel..our little rudy...we know he is watching over us..and we know he is watching over his little brother/sister ....
........and that alone...brings sooooooooooo much hope and happiness...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)