Financial Planner

So, we just got back from meeting with a financial planner, Ray and I.  Let me just tell you.  Frustrated is an understatement.

Let me back up. Ray is required as part of his bar license requirements to have his finances in shape.  It makes sense, you wouldn't want your attorney to be someone irresponsible right? So, in order to prevent this from happening, the state requires that attorneys have their finances in good standing.

Needless to say, coming from a background of low economic means, this is a task that is very difficult for students of color.  Anyhow, both him and I have spent a lot of time in school and well using up our government's generous student loans, which are now as he has graduated and me coming close to it, coming back to hunt us. 

At any rate, we had to to go meet with a financial planner/ advisor to go over our finances, budget, debt, etc. and help us out with this endeavor.  So we were blatantly honest with her, because, well frankly, both Ray and I are pretty tired of living check to check and also since we intend to try to have a baby again, well its kind of important for us to get it together. 

So there we were.  It was kind of romantic actually.  Ray and I, talking about our future.  But then out of no where things took a strange turn for us.  I was expecting to get some slack over how much we spend on direct tv, cell phones, etc. but the last thing I imagined was having the benefit of my education to be questioned.

I currently don't have a job.  but like many women, i do work, although it's not socially recognized.  I am pursuing my phd at ASU (I'm in the comps and soon dissertation stage).  So other than my student hat, I pretty much spend the rest of my time either taking care of our home, cleaning, cooking, and or volunteering at the migrant center in Naco.  I feel like I do a lot, but I enjoy it.  Most of my previous "jobs" were in the public sector, working at nonprofits or labor unions.  But when I met Ray, he really encouraged me to start focusing on school and finish my degree.  (I am so grateful for that opportunity)

But anyway, sitting there in that room with her, a room full of beautiful paintings, exposed brick walls, stylish shiny wood floors, I felt so mediocre and alone.  Particularly, when the financial planner turned to me and said, "well if you plan to have a baby, perhaps you need to just quit school now so you can start building a cash reserve."  And me, well I was schocked.  But the agony continued.

She continued to tell us that we had no means for having a baby right now, but she understood that emotional needs were just as important as financial ones, so in that case I should consider quitting school since I intend on being a mother, and if I want to be a stay at home mom, well my degree would have no financial value to us.

Now, I dont know yet what I want to do.  Be a stay at home mom or a career woman with a phd.  Both of these endeavors have proved so difficult already, that I'm still trying to get to the part of being able to visualize my graduation date and/or actually carrying a baby to term.  Arghh! It's difficult! 

The thing is, I never decided to go to school because of money.  I dreamt of going to school because I love to learn.  There is no alternate agenda for my desire to earn a degree.  I'm not trying to climb any latters or have it be a stepping stone to something greater.  An education is something that I find to have value in and of itself, irregardless of any financial benefit to my life.  And yes, on top of that goal/dream, I am dying to be a mother. 

While I was pregnant I got to experience how wonderful it feels to expect a baby.  To long so much for your little angel to arrive.  I'm still waiting for that day to come. 

Until then, I find it almost annoying to even fathom what I want to do after that happens.  (It's like yelling omaha too early).  I know I want to be there for my child, to be at home to help with their homework, tell him/her about the unjust world around them, and well just play with him/her, go to the park, make them a birthday cake...

So I guess if I had to pick right now, I would say I want to be a stay at home mom with a phd.  In the future, I might change my mind.  I know that doesn't fit into a perfect mold or a perfectly packaged box with a label that people can understand, certainly not the financial planner.  But, not everything has to make sense, it can just be what it is. another contradiction. and that's perfectly okay with me.
and with Ray (who loves me).

According to Ray, we will live our lives how we choose. Even if it means we live in a shack.  And that's perfectly okay with me (who loves him).

I never wanted to be married or have children.  but with ray, it's different, I want it all.  And, I think I'm pretty lucky to have a supportive husband, and I of course, support him all the way.  no matter what he wants to do.  I never want us to be people that do things they don't enjoy doing.  we have that agreement between us.

So yeah, it can be romantic to plan the future, responsible even, but sometimes, it's just nicer to live in the now.  afterall, isn't that the only thing we can really ever own? the now?

I think so.