Weeks

Week 7:

Something has changed

I can’t describe it

I just feel different

I know something is wrong

Week 9:

I’m screaming

I’m crying

Why is this happening to me

I’m angry

I’m so not alive

Week 10:

I cannot deny this void

This void of emptyness that has been carved inside my heart

That every morning when I wake,

My chest hurts to know that I will never hold you in my arms

I struggle.

I struggle to face the cold reality

that you are gone.

That I will never hold your little fingers

perhaps you never had any?

I may never be able to touch your skin,

or see those eyes that never formed?

That every night I stayed up worrying

Occurred

And yet in vain

Slowly…

Slowly my stomach has lost its volume

And yet you still lie inside me

But Dead.

Yes perhaps I’m crazy

Life in America is defined upon entering the great big world of oxygen, pain, and injustice

But this wasn’t a mistake

An unplanned occurance

An unexpected miracle

A mishap

I was counting on you living

I intended you to be

And yet life has shown me otherwise

You can’t plan life; It happens

Week 10: the blood from my veins continues to be drawn

HCG, slowly gone

Week 11: New nurse

“How you doing today?” “Looks like someone is having a baby!”

But I can’t hear or maybe I just don’t want to

I shrug my head and begin to explain

“No, I’m having a miscarriage

The baby is still inside me

But there’s no heart beat”

My heart also stops beating at the sound of my own words

Week 12: you are supposed to be an inch an a half long

I want to unsubscribe from the babycenter

You know that site

That site I so excitedly signed up for

Which sent me weekly updates about your growth

Weekly updates

The weeks continue to go by

My breasts have disinflated like day old balloons after a party

The weeks continue to go by

I know I will never forget you

September was your due date

The weeks continue to go by

Week 17: your fragile body finally exits me

The excrutiating pain

And yet no more tears

Blood rushing down my legs

I don’t want to look at him

my husband, the man whose hurting too

I feel ashamed

I don’t want to see him cry

His strong arms hold me and tell me it will be okay

I know he is hurting too

I know he is hurting too

The weeks go by

You are now in my freezer

I can’t flush you away

The only thing I wish to flush away is the weeks that took you from me

It’s over

The weeks are over

And yet continue to go by

I worried about what kind of crib you would have

What colors I would paint the walls of your room

Little did I know that the toughest choice I would make would be what kind of plant you would die in

Good bye my love

Goodbye my baby

The weeks will continue to go by

But my love for you

Will live forever.