I am officially 17 weeks pregnant and feel so excited and yet so incredibly terrified all at once. I suppose my mind should be focused on the joys of the holiday season, or saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming the new year of 2011. But, it's not. Most of my thoughts are centered around one little person; my unborn 17 week baby.
It's crazy, how life can all of a sudden change so rapidly, and make us into people that one never thought one could be. At this point in my life, I suppose I am nothing if not a mother or soon to be mother. And with this role comes an inmense amount of responsibility.
I've been extremely sick these past few days, and the very idea of my sickness harming my child worries me beyond belief. So I've been obsessed with reading up on ways that I can get better, naturally. Like most mothers, I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do and what not to do during pregnancy and like most find myself frustrated at the countless amount of conflicting information.
As I approach my 20th week of pregnancy, my most pressing concern is whether or not to get an ultrasound. I have read many things that indicate that ultrasounds are dangerous that they are a form of strong energy and radiation that can harm and mutate cells. So from the onset of my pregnancy, I opted not to have the 7th week ultrasound that doctors usually offer.
I remember how powerless I felt, as I sat in the waiting room with my husband looking over the sign-in sheets and release forms provided to us by the doctor. Amongst the stack of papers was a release form authorizing ultrasounds. We decided to leave this page blank and after discussing it with the doctor/midwife, we were 'allowed' to refuse the ultrasound. However right after this, I was told to lie down as the doctor/midwife rubbed a gel over my belly and placed a machine over my stomach, i.e. a handheld doppler.
I state doctor/midwife because we started off going to a doctor and switched to a birthcenter shortly after the first two visits. The experience of the doppler, however, was the exact same. Same in the sense, that right after I had expressed my desire for a natural birth experience and my concern for ultrasounds and soundwaves to my doctor and midwife on two separate situations, I was never asked for permission but rather simply subjected to radiation from their handheld dopplers. I never signed any sort of release form or was even told what the doppler was. Instead, like most women who go to a medical practioner...simply assumed that whatever they were doing to me was "safe" and "in the best interests of my child." I had no idea at that point what a doppler was or that it was similar to an ultrasound in posing similar risks....I simply "trusted" my midwife/doctor.
Granted, I was super excited when I heart the baby's heart beat. Seeing my husbands' glossy eyes as he loooked at me overwhelmed with joy "to know" that our baby was alive and okay is one of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet, today I am saddened. Scratch that, I am enraged and absolutely pissed off at the notion that even when one goes out of their way to do their research, to educate oneself and be prepared to demand our rights in birthing our child the way we choose to, we are still at a huge disadvantage because we are going up against a system that is not there to facilitate birth for us but rather operating to control us. There is a huge power inbalance, and in this system...we practically have no rights. We have no rights unless we truly direct every single energy cell to ensure that no process goes unquestioned, unless we become skeptical of everything and everyone until we drive ourselves mad with uncertainty. It is debilitating and exhausting...and I'm only half way if that there. I am afraid of what awaits.
I have read countless stories on blogs and internet posts of women whose birthing rigths have been taken from them, women who have been abused and violated in despicable ways. Women who have been cut, forced, and probed to have a birthing experience they never solicited but simply was imposed upon them. Perhaps my doppler experience is minimal to the stories of pain and anguish of having one's vagina sewn without anesthesia or water broken, labor induced, coerced and manipulated to take drugs, have ultrasounds, and whatever else women are subjected to during pregnancy and labor. My point however is that women are seldom asked, they are told and even when they question, they are tricked and deceived to give up whatever power and rights they have under the mantra of "its for the baby."
In reading these stories, I came across a blog post that talks about the notion of "birth rape." Sure this is a very powerful and yet perhaps "too intense" concept, but is it? I too felt uncomfortable at first with the idea that the violations that women experience in the birthing process could compare in gravity with "rape" of being sexually abused. But in retrospect, the concept seems to be quite fitting. What doctors and midwives are doing to women should be labeled alarming and shocking and disgusting, because it is all that. It should be labeled violence, because it is violence. They are violating our rights to our own bodies and our bodies themselves as they subject us to their bullshit technology, medicine, and science. A science some of us never asked for or consented to.
I am not trying to say that all doctors and midwifes are bad evil people, but some of them are. And this sort of birth rape is taking place.
As I sat here thinking about it...I am brought to tears as I remember the image of my mother's stomach after giving birth via cesarean to my twin sisters. My mother was sewn up in the most despicable way, leaving a horrible scar behind that she consistently complained about and hated to the point of tears. As time went by my dad told her that he loved her scar because it was a reminder of the birth of his children. I grew to assimilate the scar with it being simply a part of giving birth, a part of pregnancy. But in retrospect, I realize that I was wrong, that my dad was wrong. This scar is a symbol of mutilation to my mother's body. A symbol of her rights being taken from her. The scar didn't have to be done the way it was, I see so many people now in days, who've had surgeries with scars that are practically invisible. But for my mom, giving birth in the 70s in a small town in mexico, she had to take and accept what she was given. This is the way surgeries were done then. this is as good as things got.
today, women, myself included, continue to take what is available....for the most part. Sure we now think we've progressed because we can chose the hospital or birthing facility we want or because we can chose our doctors, or because we can chose to have a natural pregnancy...but even then...even then...it seems like our birth rights are on shaky ground...and we have to fight CONSTANTLY to maintain them.
The history of birthing in america and in the world is not a pretty one, it seems like the medical system is constantly fixing old mistakes...and here we are in the middle of it all...and our only weapon..against this beast of power and control...our only defense against being potentially 'raped' and 'violated' is our decision to become aware and to question absolutely everything we can....
here's hoping i survive this rollercoaster ride of pregnancy!
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