Writing about you

words often exist before ever having been written

it's been almost two years now, and I am just beginning to reconcile the whirlwind experience that mothering becomes, like a tornado being a mother engulfs you, swallows you whole and takes over every aspect of you

your thoughts no longer belong to you

they are no longer a part of you

your words, your language it too escapes you,

all you see is this new person 

their tiny feet and little hands 

their ambitious smile and pondering mind

i longed so long to be your mother my ray emerson

and it's been such an unbelievable ride that i never want to fall out of

the rough nights without sleep, countless runny noses and ear infections, you have awakened in me a fear i never knew was possible

a fear of never wanting anything to ever happen to you, to ever hurt you

and then from the torment and labor of it all is a smile, a laugh, that makes the world just right, that makes everything just perfect 

so much has happened that I wish i could record about you

i feel like already i have failed you in not jotting down every little wonderful thing you ever did, of which there were many, and in making notes about every cute thing you ever said, every wonderful sound you ever made

but the thing with time is that it always moves forward

too late

i guess i always figured that these moment were engrained my brain and somehow i could always go back and remember

but the days continue to go by and you become even more increasingly precious

i realize that this list has grown so long that i must, i need to write it down because my heart can no longer contain all you do to make this world a better place just by being you

also i suppose it was my own inexperience, the novelty of it all coupled with the challenges of being a new parent...i always felt like i was juggling so much that enjoying it seemed sufficient

but now that i think i'm getting the hang of this being a mom thing..i think it's only right that i share/record all that you have done to change my life, for the better

it seems fitting to begin writing, about you again...just now...a few days before our birthdays

you are currently looking more and more like a big boy, about to be 2!

you are now wearing pull-ups

you can tell me when you went potty

you love choo choo trains so very much it's insane

you now tell me to take you to the mall to ride the train

you love minnie mouse, mickey too-- you call him miska but esp. minnie 

my favorite thing to hear you say is "Mommy...?" you say it in a way as to seek reassurance, just for the sake of hearing me say..yes, ray or que, papi?  then you turn around and continue on with whatever you were doing

you love fideo, beans, tortillas, and cumbias

you dance, and its so contagious..that every time i watch you i want to dance myself

when you dont want to do something you let the world know..either by screaming it loudly or saying "no, not yet"

you are now able to chant "si se puede" and you love it!

you also chant "asu" and can recognize the university even from many streets away

you love sparky but still afraid to get too close to him

baseball, you watch with admiration and long to play, this makes your daddy so very happy

you are very athletic, you run so very fast and love to climb on top of everything

i sing to you at nights and you love to hold me before you go to sleep

you also love to read books, particularly the thomas books and that's not my train!

you are now counting and even have begun singing the abc's!

you love un elefante se columpiaba...and tonight you laughed hysterically during our reading of the cat in the hat in spanish, when i read the word "pum!" 

i would pay anything to relive that small instant of wonder and joy that emerged from your glossy and bright beautiful eyes

te quiero mucho mi ray

eres mi mundo entero

i can't wait for your birthday, you are going to be two very very soon, and im so excited for you! you sing happy birthday "arman ray" almost everyday and i know its going to be absolutely super special!

so many words existed before you were ever born, and with your birth the words seemed meaningless, nothing seemed good enough to describe you, it has taken me two years to be able to write about you, i know in my heart these lines will always fall short, they will always lack..but nonetheless im happy to begin to try-- because these moments that I'm living with you...i can't afford to ever forget